Coming home…

Written Saturday, November 23rd @ 2:20pm

A thankful Thanksgiving next week! Now let’s hit the road and get home!

I can’t say enough about the power of prayers, the power of believing and the strength it takes to trust the path.

 

 

Today is a new day….

Written Saturday, November 23rd @ 6:55am

Good morning. Today is a new day. I am happy to report that they removed 4 tumors from Crystals liver.

Early yesterday morning it was dark, chilly and peaceful as we walked across the street to the St. Mary’s Hospital from our hotel. It was crazy how quiet it was and yet busy. And at that time of morning so many people are coming into work to start their day of helping others. We arrived at 6:25am. I was happy to know that the doctor doing her ablation was the one who has worked on her before. I must say it gives comfort.

The procedure should take about 2 hours. We thought there was 2 possible 3 tumors. We learned there was now 3 possible 4 tumors. And our talented doctor was going for all of them, if he could.

As they prepped Crystal for surgery, we had a little issue with the IV, she seemed a little dehydrated so it was difficult to put it in. Not a great start but everyone was confident they will take care of that in the operating room. Hugs, kisses and she is off down the hallway to begin.

Gage, Rod and I go get a little breakfast. Every time there is an update done on Crystal, which is in the form of a text sent to Gage, he immediately let’s us know, such a good man. I am so proud to say he is our son in law.

4 hours later she is finally out of surgery. The doctor comes and chats with us. He explains that he did get the 4 tumors and that she will be in pain. We are happy with the news. We are relived it’s over. Our doctor is kind, a determined doctor and truly cares for my daughter. You can feel it. I quickly and quietly thank God.

We are excited to see her but she is still in recovery. We see that she will be sharing a room, so for now we find a waiting room, the size of a closet, with three chairs and a tv. As we watch tv, it seems like it’s taking forever so I go check to see maybe how much longer. And then I spot them taking her into her room. I walk a little faster to tell her we are here and I will get the boys. And that’s when she looks at me and I know it’s not good. I don’t move. I stare, I watch the two nurses help her, I take a deep breath and ask God for strength and guidance.

As they are switching her from bed to bed, I can see her face, glistening, her eyes are fixed on me and she has no strength. I also notice this shared room seems small and whomever is on the other side has no respect.

As the nurse gets her situated and begins to ask her questions, Crystals wants my hand. That small little hand with an IV in it. She whispers, “Mom, I’m nauseous, I don’t feel right, they’ve already changed my clothes because I’m sweating so bad”. I can see sweat on her forehead and they are questioning a fever. She is dry, she is struggling to talk, she needs water. Her ears are always sensitive after surgery, and the nurse is trying to ask questions but the people on the other side are talking loud, the tv is loud, the banging around is loud, eating food that they brought in brings a smell that this hot room didn’t need from just getting out of surgery. As a mom, you are being polite, asking for a fan, a washcloth you can wet for her forehead and a private room, like now! I knew Crystal was not doing well, when she just wanted mom. No one else just mom. As beautiful as it is to hear her say that, it breaks your heart terribly. And then you see the tears she says, “Mom, I’m done doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I just can’t do it”. I immediately told her, “I don’t understand Gods path for you honey and I’m sorry. And you don’t have to do this again because right now they got the 4 tumors so let’s not put anything negative out there let’s just focus on right now”. And that quiet little voice says, “okay”. It was so hard not to cry, it was so hard not to be angry.

I went and told the boys what was going on and Gage began the process of needing this private room. I went back to my very ill daughter. I tried my best to hold her hand and ask for prayers to the people that were texting. The doctor on the floor stayed with her, along with the nurse and myself as we tried to get her comfortable. It is hard to ask question and hear her response with the commotion going on from her roommate. I explain again that her husband will be staying with her tonight and I know that you can’t do that in a shared room so how is finding her a room coming? I could tell her nurse wanted her out if that room too but it was out of her hands.

As time passed, Crystal asked me to take a pic and send it to her sisters. To get Gage and her dad. Which I was ready to do so I could call my mom.

Trust me, I understand that we all can’t have private rooms. I understand that manners and respect are different for everyone that’s what makes the world go round. Trust me I asked God to help me forgive the thoughts that were going through my head on her roommate. To help me be more compassionate. And in about 5 hours we were blessed with a private room and my daughter finally could rest, in quiet.

Arriving in this private room, Crystal still was not doing good but you could also feel the relief from all of us including our fighter.

Finally by 6:45pm, Crystal was getting the pain under control, she asked about her sisters. She asked for her phone so we went to eat dinner and told her we would be back.

Dinner was good but coming back to the hospital and seeing my daughter looking rested was even better. And that is when I learned that when I went to get the boys, she stated to the nurse. I will not stay here tonight, I’m going back to my hotel if I can’t get a private room. Hearing her tell us that story made me smile, I thought, I have raised a strong fighter.

I hope when I get to the hospital this morning I see a rested Gage and a fighter ready to go home sometime today.

Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day and Appointments at Mayo

Written on Thursday, November 21st @ 8:30am

It is a rainy morning here in Iowa. I am sitting in my kitchen, no lights on, drinking some cold water but wanting Starbucks. Looking out the sliding glass door, I can see the trees blowing, pine needles are falling from our trees and I’m thinking, it seems so dark out. Well ironically today is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day, so it is a perfect day for you to wear purple. And Crystal and Gage have already left this morning for Rochester, MN. That is right, they have left and tomorrow is her surgery. Time just flew by since October 9th. I can’t believe it is already here.

Today, Crystal will be getting all of her tests done before her early surgery tomorrow. Rod and I will be heading up later today. With that being said, we would love those prayers to begin. I know we got the news to have this procedure done and it was a miracle but now I just hope that they can get all the tumors in her liver, that she can recover well, that we get home safely and that we can enjoy Thanksgiving next week with our family. Goodness writing all of that out I feel so demanding. I want, I want, I want… Let me just say, we are thankful for all of you, we are thankful for our miracle to get these out of her liver and I am doing my best to trust his path.

Some people have said, “I am so happy for your news, once they get these tumors, she will finally be cancer free”. Well, that is not true, she does have her tumors in her lungs, they just have not changed. Once I explain that to them they say, “I am sorry, you just seem so happy with the results from the last appointment. I assumed they were getting them all”. Cancer is a tricky thing. That is why when people are fighting it, they say it is a courageous battle.

“Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you” ~Bethany Hamilton

I have to admit at the last appointment, that early morning in the hotel room before we were to go to the appointment to get our news, I was brushing my teeth. I was looking in the mirror. I was thinking I don’t even know how much more I could pray, I had nothing left to say. I felt like a broken record. I felt anxiety because I prayed so confidently for this miracle that hadn’t even happened yet. I was afraid of not hearing what I believed I was going to hear. Like did I just set myself up for devastation? And then does that mean there is no God? It was a weird feeling, it made me nervous and then you know what. They told us our great news, yes we were happy but I could tell deep down I was in shock! I was like God you really heard me? Like there really is a God? Like did that just happen? I mean those prayers, they worked? It was the craziest feeling and just like that, we got our wonderful news and everyday life began again. Everyday hustle and bustle.

Life is a journey.

On another note we have been very busy. Very busy but in a positive way. Crystal’s sister Courtney is engaged and will be getting married in May of 2020. So lots of wedding planning going on which means lots of special moments coming up.

And then remember this journey of another Spirit Show in 2020. Crystal, had stated that her cancer was going no where and that she needed to dance. That she wanted to do another Spirit Show. She said, “Please Mom”. I guess that is what a mother will do, it’s a mother’s love. I must admit I wasn’t sure where I was going to get the strength or even find the passion again but for her, for my daughters, I will try anything. Well, God knows what he is doing because I am more inspired today than I ever thought. Crystal’s journey has brought new life not just to me but to 23 dancers in that room. And after dance last night, Crystal and I drove home together as we both said how blessed we felt, that God was with us, that everything seemed so good right now at this moment. Even though deep down Crystal is scared, Crystal wants it just to be over. But instead of talking about how scared she is or how worried I am, we changed the topic too…We sold 202 tickets in four hours last night to our 2020 Spirit Show. Which is shocking!!!! Seriously, we surprised ourselves. On that note, if you are interested in this Spirit Show, please message us, we will give you details. 

Again, Thank You for your love, support, prayers and positive feedback. I will stay in touch…

He listened…

Written on Wednesday, October 9th @ 10:15am

I have thank God in advance for the Miracle he was going to give our family in October. Well, he has been listening & honestly I am at a loss for words. We are so happy!!!! Well everything is stable, the same!!!!! We are not going to worry about the lungs at this time, they have not changed for over a year. However, we are going after the tumors in the liver with an ablation procedure in November!!!! Which means if everything goes well there will be a check up in March 2020!!!! This also means no chemo!!!! God is good. 💜 This photo was taken right before we went into our appointment in the Gonda Building on the 10th floor. #godisgood #ourfighter #miraclesdohappen

Next Step Mayo, October 8th-9th…

Written on Tuesday, September 24th @ 1:00pm

Good afternoon our beautiful prayer warriors. Thank you for your kind thoughts, positive energy and little messages the last few months. What a beautiful day in Iowa today. The sun is out, I can hear a breeze, I can hear lawn mowers and then I see my neighbor mowing away and I think goodness, his oldest is off to college and they only have one at home. It puts a smile to my face to see how life continues and how blessed I am that they are my neighbor. And now I wait for Crystal to get here and go on our afternoon walk.

Crystal did it! She got through her last round of chemo before her next visit to Mayo. Has it been easy? Well, she is extremely good at making it look easy. Since I have last updated you Crystal has done three more rounds of chemo, a total of 8 rounds of chemo just this year. It is getting tiring.

Crystal has learned with her last visit to Mayo that she is not a candidate for immunotherapy but we try to stay focused in the moment and not worry about what we can’t control. Just push forward with what we are doing.

Before starting this last round of chemo, Crystal had her typical Hall Perrine Visit with her doctor to make sure her blood levels were good before starting. I met Crystal there and arrived with a Starbucks Coffee for her, she had already finished her blood work by the time I had arrived. With a smile I hand her the coffee and sit right next to her in the waiting room. I am positive and full of energy, Crystal smiles and looks at me and whispers, “Mom, I don’t want to do this anymore”. My smile immediately went away, I was surprised by the remark, she has never said that. I looked at her and saw a tired little girl, and then they called “Crystal” it was time to go back to the room. I followed behind her as we walked, I stared at her feet and held back the tears as my stomach turned. What was I going to say to her that she hasn’t already heard?

We get into the room, we wait for the doctor, it is quiet, we sip our coffee and I quietly say, “You know honey, you are here today because you keep fighting. You have to keep fighting. We don’t have a choice.” Crystal says, “I know mom. I know. But I have done this for 6 years and I am tired.” I must admit, it sure is hard staying positive all the time.

As our beautiful doctor enters the room with that contagious positive energy she has, it lifts you again. And again, you feel hopeful. And then Crystal asks question, a question that deep down we already know and think about but to hear the words come out of her mouth is hard. Crystal begins, “When I go back to Mayo in October, and lets say that new spot they found last time I was there, they now can see is a tumor? Or maybe they found another new spot? Or maybe the tumors I have, are now growing? Does that mean my chemo no longer works?” As I sit in the chair and watch the doctor listen to Crystal, my heart begins to hurt. And when the doctor answers her and explains that yes, it would mean it is no longer working. And then explains to Crystal we can try other types of chemo. As soon as the doctor is done and they finish up the conversation, the doctor turns to leave the room and I watch Crystals head drop down. I can’t seem to get that vision out of my head. And she looks at me and says, “Mom, I am tired”.

With all of that being said, Crystal began her round of chemo.

What keeps us positive, is living. Living life to the fullest. Embracing the moments you have together. Being thankful for what you have and how life can be so much worse. With that being said, we have had some exciting things happen the last couple of months. We took a family trip to Chicago at the end of August, in the beginning of September, Courtney got engaged in Colorado!!! And yes, like Gage, he asked for our blessing before he proposed. I am very excited for another beautiful blessing that will be happening in May of 2020. And of course, the CR Spirits started their training for the Spirit Show in February 2020. You know, I said yes to another Spirit Show for Crystal and deep down I wondered if I could find that desire again in me to pull it off. The creativity, choreography, organization and strength can be challenging on normal day and then to throw in a Show. But I truly believe that God has his hand in this. I have my quiet time with him every morning and I have put my journey in his hands. I have asked him consistently if I am doing the right thing and to give me a sign. Well, to have 23 women volunteering on this dance team, to make up Team #27 is definitely something higher than me. And crazy, I have found me again. I have found new energy, new love and peace that I never thought I would have. And that is because of Crystal’s Journey.

You know I met a beautiful woman in Ulta Beauty a couple of weeks ago, I firmly believe God wanted us to meet. Rod had recently lost his brother suddenly, and the worry of the last doctors appointment with Crystal had been bothering me. After talking briefly, I could feel a connection, as she says, we need to thank him daily and I jump right in and say I do. She says no, we need to thank him in advance for the miracle he is gong to give your daughter next month. That is how we are going to pray. And you know what, that is exactly how I have been praying. I am thanking him in advance. Please join me.

To the woman who has recently messaged me and asked how I found God and how come I believe. Oh honey, my mom has raised me to believe. She always would say, when you feel you have no one, when you feel alone, GOD is always there. That there will be a time in your life that you will need to know that, otherwise you will go the other way.  But honestly, with so much bad stuff in my life growing up, I didn’t believe it. I always felt it was my grandmother guiding me, watching over me. But when Crystal became ill, you feel so alone, lost, mad and scared. Then you start seeing strange things happen. Like something higher than you. Realizing that “believing” fills you with hope. You feel better, you feel like you make a difference, you feel at peace. And you understand that everything you have gone through has brought you where you are suppose to be. Everything. 

Stop. Sit still. Listen. Trust. And remember when it is quiet, that is also a gift from God.

Feeling good.

Written on Tuesday, July 2nd @ 6:15pm

I am in the backseat of the car, as Gage is driving us home. We are smiling and laughing about our day.

A perfect time for me to do an update.

We started off early and got our results before heading home, all in one day. Are we exhausted? Yes, our emotions are all over the place, even though you do try to stay focused in the moment without worry. We want to say Thank You for all of the messages and prayers today.

Here is our news…

Nothing has grown. The lungs look the same, still two spots. The liver has something new but too small to decide what it is, so three spots. We are happy. She will continue with chemo for the next three months. The next scans will determine if she will be doing an ablation or something different. Before leaving Mayo we had to do more blood work for genetic testing, that will help determine if she would be a possible candidate for immunotherapy, if we end up not doing the ablation.

That is the blessing, Crystal has been able to stay ahead of her cancer for the new technology that is coming around. So very important to help with research. Research is important, it is a must.

As for the USA Women’s Soccer Team, Congratulations! We loved watching you today, it kept our minds busy.

I can also tell you before Crystals first early morning appointment, right after checking in at the desk, she came right over to me and began talking about the Spirit Show in 2020. Another reminder that this is what I’m suppose to be doing. It fills her mind full of ideas and thoughts vs thinking of her journey with cancer. Thank you God for the reminder to continue to apply the gift you gave me.

Crystal will begin chemo again on July 8th, so she gets to enjoy her 4th of July Holiday Weekend. YaY. Courtney & Cassidy, a time to embrace.

On another note the CR Spirits will be performing at the Great Jones County Fair in the Beer Tent around 6pm. Crystal will be on the 6th round of chemo at that time and actually during the difficult part of that round, she would love to hear you cheering her on while she is doing what she loves.

Happy 4th of July to Everyone.

Almost three months later.

Written on Wednesday, June 19th at 9:00pm

It is a damp, cloudy night as I sit on my couch with the sliding class door open. I can hear the birds chirping and “Christopurr” is enjoying staring out the screen door wishing he could catch a bird or at least play with one. With a blanket and my laptop I begin to think about what we have done the last few months. I told myself I was going to wait with an update until we were closer to her next appointment. I almost caved in though last month when things were getting bumpy on chemo. However, her prayers were quickly answered and things turned around for her.

Tiffany Wrote on FB May 13th:

Prayers for this angel, please.

I hope you all had a beautiful Mother’s Day. Crystal just celebrated her 27th birthday on Saturday, such a blessing.

I’m reaching out today for some prayers for this warrior. She is struggling with this 4th round of chemo. And she comes over this afternoon for some mom comfort and sunshine with a possible walk…she says “Mom, I think I need some prayers”. We have a doctors appointment scheduled for tomorrow. She is suppose to be done with this round Wednesday.

She is determined to dance this evening…Such a fighter.

Tiffany Wrote on FB May 13th in the Evening:

Thank you for the prayers, the positive vibes. Crystal Marie Barnett came to dance. She has a blue Spirit Shirt on, it lights up her eyes. I ask her, “How are we feeling?” Crystal’s response, “Well I would say the prayers are working. I am not a 100% but I feel better and I feel I can keep going”. This morning that was not the case.

I know her chemo round is not done until Wednesday night. We meet with her doctors tomorrow afternoon and we will be able to check her blood work to make sure she is doing well in that area.

As for now, she is dancing.

Crystal Wrote on FB May 14th:

Thank you everyone for all the prayers yesterday!  It was a tough one… I haven’t been that sick in a long time. The prayers must have worked because today I am feeling much better. Thank you!  Also I had a wonderful birthday on Saturday. Thank you for everyone that reached out!

Well, Crystal has now done 5 rounds of chemo this year. Crystal looks great. However, I am sure you can imagine the feeling you get when you don’t feel well. She does go through that every month, somedays it is very hard to put a smile on and go forward. On those days she rests a little more. Last week was very difficult for her to walk. Her type of chemo can be pretty hard on her hands and feet. Again, on those days she tries hard to stay positive and she does her best to take it easy.

Again, Crystal does the same form of chemo she has always done. It is a pill form, she is lucky to be able to take it at home, it is 14 days on and 14 days off. It usually takes about 3 to 4 days after chemo before she begins to feel normal.

It is funny how many people that do follow her story and are shocked she is doing chemo. As they usually say, “I thought you got good news”, “I thought you guys were happy with the results and things are good”, “I didn’t realize she still has cancer?” I always feel so bad when you see their face, their embarrassment of not understanding. But honestly, I don’t know if you could understand it until you live it. Until you breathe it. Until you live every three months waiting for news that will could change your life. I mean somedays I don’t even get it. As a mother, somedays I am so tired and I eat everything in site. I can’t imagine what goes through Crystals mind and heart. We all handle it differently but together we are so much stronger. Together when one is weak, unsure, scared the other is ready to fight. I love that, I think that is what keeps us going.

Lately I have listen to a few stories of others fighting cancer or other medical issues including losing loved ones unexpectedly. It is heartbreaking, I am blessed that you reach out to me but I really don’t even know what to say. I hope you can feel me listening though. I think sharing your story is a start. I always say, if you share your story, you own your story. It is easier to embrace the journey you are on. I learned that from Oprah at a very young age. Trust your gut. Listen to your inner voice. Get those second opinions if you are not happy. And the most important thing, do something you love, Live Life.

We have gotten so many messages over the years on trying this, smoking this, eating this, drinking this, reading this…And of course, all of it cures cancer. So trust me, you read it all, you actually get anxiety of thinking maybe I am doing it wrong, maybe we should be doing more. Why are the doctors not talking about this. Is it a government thing that they are keeping from us and then you feel depressed. It really makes you sad. But see long ago, I began to let that young 21 year old begin reading with me through all of the literature that others gave us. I let Crystal make the choices for her body, I taught her to listen to her gut, I explained to her, that is her power. And then as a mother I would not have guilt of not making her try everything that was being given to me, it took the pressure off of me. I am thankful that my daughter was old enough, I can’t imagine her being so young that the pressure would be completely on mom and dad. And as time went by I learned, we learned, that she has already beaten the odds and maybe, just maybe it is because she is doing exactly what she should be doing. She has stayed true to who she is, she continues to do what she loves and what she is passionate about. She continues to pray and listen to others. And we thank God everyday for what we have. As I said to Crystal that morning after watching Good Morning America, listening to Alex Trebek with Jeopardy, his interview was beautiful and reminded me of you Crystal. He is living life like you. And if he could bottle that up, maybe he would say, try Jeopardy…Like you could say, try Dance…What it boils down to is that you both are doing what you love. Maybe that is the key and with that key you inspire others.

Since April we have celebrated Courtney’s Birthday, Easter, Gage’s Birthday, a concert in Des Moines (CardiB which was horrible) but we made memories so I guess a win, the Tulip Festival in Pella which was crazy busy on that beautiful day, Crystal’s Birthday, Mother’s Day and…. Crystal, Gage, Rod and I went to Seattle. Why did we go to Seattle? To watch Crystal and Gage leave for an Alaskan Cruise. A very thoughtful gift that they received. Memories that they will cherish. And when that week was over, listening to their stories was like when the girls were little getting off that bus and hearing it all. Something I dearly enjoyed.

And we hope everyone had a nice Father’s Day. Rod enjoyed his day. He got to enjoy it with his family of women. Lucky him. And now we get ready to celebrate the 4th of July hopefully with good news as well.

So with all of that you realize that life goes on, time just keeps moving, and Crystal says, “Mom, my cancer is not going anywhere, I need to do another Spirit Show! It helps keep me positive.” Here we go, God please guide us, the planning begins! The Spirit Show coming in February 2020! Cancer please stay at bay.

Crystal’s next appointment is July 2nd. I sure would love to see another miracle but if that is greedy, then could we please have no growth, no multiplying of the tumors and no spreading to other organs. Please. Amen.

As for our family, Courtney is very busy with her new home with Alec and she enjoys her job. She is still passionate about working out and loves her sisters so very much. Cassidy is also a very dedicated employee and loves her job, she at the moment has her summer off because of working in the school system but she is working lots of side jobs which keeps her busy. Cassidy would also do anything for her family. Actually she would help anyone, sometimes to a fault. The one thing I have learned is you can raise your children the same, love them the same, sacrifice everything for them and preach to them about life daily. You can have your expectations, you can dream what you want for them but ultimately it is their life. Someday God will want them back. You were lucky to raise them, to have them be a part of your journey but you as parent will also have to learn that your child/children, will all learn different, they will all make their own choices, their own mistakes and you have to love them through it even if we have to sit back and watch…Again, Life is a Journey. Always look for the good, it can always be worse.

Keep swimming 6 years later.

Written on April 1st @ 3pm

On our way home. Thank you for the prayers. We did get news that we can handle. Nothing has changed. Nothing has multiplied. Nothing has grown. So chemo seems to be doing its job. She will remain on chemo until the next appointment in July.

I must admit the three of us have not been feeling well since last night after arriving in Rochester. Just a nauseous feeling and we were questioning what it was and how the three of us had it at the same time. The minute her doctors appointment was over we were all strangely feeling better at the same time.

I guess stressed spelled backwards is desserts…So we will be having that tonight when we get home.

6 years ago today…

Written on Wednesday, March 27th at 11:30am

6 years ago today, around this time in the morning, I was heading to my uncle Bret and aunt Michele’s home to tell the news that we just had just received. I knew that they would help me find a way to tell my mom. Rod, Crystal and I remember sitting at that kitchen table with Bret sitting across from us. I could barley talk. Rod and Crystal were silent.

This week has been extremely hard for me. I think it has been 3 years since I have truly broken down. Sunday, we were on our way home from our Spring Break Vacation to Nashville and what do you do for 9 hours in the car, besides talking, listening to music and looking at the beautiful country side, I guess you also play on your phone, look through your photos and smile. On my TimeHop App it shows memories from this day in the past, I go take a peek and see that 6 years ago we were coming home from Florida on this day.

Gosh do I remember that trip, I remember how sick Crystal was, how we had no idea what was going on. I remember we didn’t do much on that trip because she had no energy. As I begin to start thinking of the last 6 years I realize that everything is coming down to the exact time and day of events.

Instead of coming home Sunday from Florida we were coming home from Nashville.

6 years ago on Monday Crystal was teaching dance in the 5:30-6:30pm time slot when she had an attack at the dance studio, it was scary. I remember standing behind a door in the dance studio calling our family doctor that night. I then start to think my goodness Crystal will be teaching dance again in the 5:30-6:30pm time slot and she will even have a few of the same students in the class. Then my mind races to think of what those students would remember from that night.

I realize quickly that Tuesday, was a scheduled MRI Scan 6 years ago and that this coming Tuesday was going to be a Doctors Appointment at Hall Perrine, blood work and a check up from her last round of chemo.

And then that Wednesday morning walking into our family doctors office, it was quiet and I was ready for answers, I will never forget it. Never.

Which now brings me to Mayo we were immediately going to be seen the following week at Mayo in Rochester, Monday April 1st, 2013 and crazy to think that 6 years later we will be going back to Mayo, Monday April 1st, 2019. The scare, the worry, will never be like the first time but it also never gets easier.

Arriving home from Nashville we all had a wonderful time but for some reason Monday morning hit me hard and the tears would just not stop. I tried so hard to get it out of my system before seeing Crystal that evening at dance. I received a phone call from a friend of mine who could not get me out of her head. As I told Shannon, it has been a horrible day and don’t know why I keep thinking of her cancer. At that moment Crystal walks into the room and sees that I am a mess. She panicked, “Mom what is wrong?” I quickly get off the phone as I try to convince her that really it is nothing, I then thought to myself, tell her the truth. So I said, “Well honey, I seem to be struggling with your cancer today and I just don’t know why, I must be tired”. And she says, “Oh mom, my cancer? Here I thought someone just died. See mom no one died and I am good”. As I stared at her and smiled we both laughed. I told Crystal you are right. I need to embrace this moment. And then I ask Crystal, I know we have sad days but have you been like this where it is uncontrollable because I feel like I have not done that in so long. She explains mom, I am scared, I do worry, I do feel sick but I feel numb to it at the same time. And I told Crystal, yes numb to it, that is a perfect way to say it because that is how I normally feel.

So here we go again Monday, April 1st. I pray, I beg for another miracle for my daughter, for my family. I pray, I beg you all to join me in lifting my family up again at this difficult time.

And I try to remember…

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.  Matthew 6:34 NLT

Happy “New” Birthday Crystal!

1st Round Done…

Written on Thursday, February 21st @ 11:30am

The sun is out in Iowa. It is so bright it hurts your eyes but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

The last update I had told you how Crystal was excited that she would have dance and not another surgery but with this weather we have had, we really have not had dance. But I can tell you she has finished her 1st round of chemo.

How is Crystal doing? Well, she has had some rough days. She has been pretty nauseous but she is pushing though it. Her chemo is just like last time, 14 days on – 14 days off. So as of today, she has a break. She just needs a few more days and hopefully she will be feeling a little more like herself. We did meet with Dr. Wilbur at the Mercy Hall Perrine Cancer Center before she got started with chemo, it brought back memories of last time but Dr. Wilbur’s personality sure makes you smile.

Crystal tries her best to live life normal. She continues to workout, stay positive, and focus on upcoming events. She smiles through it all which makes everyone around her feel positive that she has this but somedays it is hard. Maybe you can say a little prayer for strength right now.

Since our last update we had a fundraiser for Crystal. Mr. B’s and my brother Casey, gave a night to Crystal. The money raised will be going to hotel expenses at our stays in Rochester. Here is a post that I had put on FB…

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a fun night. Let’s see, I smiled, I laughed, I cried that makes for a full night.

I tried my hardest to chat with you all but it just seemed like more people kept coming in and I could never get ahead. I am sorry for all the people that drove there and couldn’t get in. I tried to go outside to see some of you and just know I appreciate you trying. 

As for bartending…Extremely hard job. And I know that no one would ever hire me to do that job again but I loved that I knew most of you around the bar which made it easier. And by the way my daughters did not help behind the bar😂 On another note, people please appreciate your bartenders💜
As for the fundraiser, we are Thankful, so very Thankful💜 Originally we didn’t think Crystal would be able to attend but she didn’t have that surgery and chemo has not started so this was her second fundraiser that she could attend. And she said, “Mom, it’s so nice to see everyone. I can’t believe all the people”.

I also got to witness a thankful huge smile on a couple of faces, their eyes said it all. Crystal and Gage received a beautiful thoughtful gift from her/our family doctor. I must say, it made me cry. Such a kind heart he has and a blessing to call him a dear friend. Thank you.

And of course, Valentine’s Day just happened. Gage sure loves to spoil his wife and I am so thankful that they have each other.

God has given my family many blessings but what is even more important is that he has helped me to see the blessings. I try so hard to focus on that everyday, which in return gives me Peace. It is not that this journey is easy for me, or for us. Somedays I want to cry and give up. Somedays I question God and the deck of cards he has handed me but that helps no one around me and it doesn’t make me feel better. So as they say, I try to be the person that I needed when I was younger.

7 days later…

Written on Thursday, January 17th @ 9:15am

A early morning in Iowa, drinking some coffee and finding sometime to emotionally write. Happy Thursday to our Prayer Warriors.

I can’t believe it has been 7 days. A week ago Crystal was prepped for surgery, the next thing we know, we were getting news that her doctor who was scheduled to do the procedure, had come down with the flu. We were shocked, taken back, decisions had to be made quickly. Crystal remarks, “God is keeping us on our toes’. Crystal listened to her inner voice, we all listened to our inner voice, with the help of your prayers, things turned out well for our fighter.

I did my best to keep you all informed and I sure appreciate the kind words, positive stories and the prayers. I will say again, you can feel the prayers and the love. My first experience with that feeling was when Crystal was first diagnosed. It is an incredible feeling and I have thanked God that I am lucky to feel it.

This lung ablation went a lot smoother then the last procedure. Yes, she was/is tired, it’s hard to breathe, hard to speak, in pain but has kept that under control with the pain meds and is slowly weaning off them now. But after the procedure  she was talking, her face, her coloring was completely different from the last one. Gage, Rod, Shari and I were so relived after seeing her.

The first day was a long day, the blood work, the scans, the MRI, the pulmonary tests, etc. went well. Meeting for the first time her lung surgeon also went well. Matter of fact, she seemed pretty incredible. And then we all sat down with her oncology doctor, Dr. McWilliams, it was hard to hear that they found two more lesions in her right lung and two more lesions in her liver. It was hard to listen and think of the next plan.

The thoughts, the questions you ask yourself quietly as you are hearing the news; So Crystal is going to have the lung ablation that is scheduled but you are not sure you can get all of the lesions when you go into her right lung? Like two of them are too small? But, the one by her airway is very important to get because if it continues to grow, they will have to remove half of her lung? And the only way to try to get it, is by the ablation?  If they can’t get the one by the airway, then we decide if the following surgery for the left lung is something we should do or if we should begin Chemo? And it seems that since May these lesions keep popping up and now are beginning to spread. Can my daughter handle all of these procedures and the Chemo? Like if we do this will she get another two years of no cancer? This is not fair. This is exhausting. I just don’t understand. And then, you look around the room and focus on the moment.

And when you come back to being present in the room you hear, it is like maintaining your yard. When you see a dandelion, you pick it. And then the next day, you see another dandelion, so you pick it. You don’t want those in your yard but by the end of the week you see several dandelions so you decide to treat your whole yard. In this case, that is what we will do, it worked before, Crystal handled the Chemo before, so we treat her body again.

Now to the present.  They did get the two lesions in her right lung, one being the important one by the airway but the other two lesions were too small at this time. Her team of doctors feel that she should hold off on next weeks surgery. Yes, there is a lesion that they surgically can get but they would like to see what happens after a few rounds of Chemo. As for the two in her liver, we are hoping Chemo helps with those as well.

It is sad, it is not what we want to hear. When I called her sisters, they cried, they cried and it killed me. I don’t know why, why Crystal, why our family, why but I will continue to have hope, to believe and to write and beg you to help us through it. 

She will be doing her Chemo here in Cedar Rapids again at the Mercy Hall-Perrine Cancer Center. Her next appointment will be Friday, February 1st. As for now, Crystal says, “Mom, I get to got to dance January 30th”. 

Home.

Written on January 12th @ 4:30pm

On this snowy cold day in a Iowa, I’m thankful that we came home yesterday from Mayo when there was no snow.

Yes, Crystal was able to leave yesterday afternoon. Her sisters, Courtney and Cassidy were there bright and early Friday morning, another reason I’m glad the snow stayed away while these two drove up. Together we all got news that Crystal could go home. 

Crystal is doing well nothing like the last procedure and oh how I’ve thanked God for that. She is resting this afternoon. And again, trust me when I say we can feel the prayers. It’s uplifting and we feel blessed. Thank you. 

I would go into more detail about this experience and a couple of scares but I’m exhausted, I have just been hearing from some of you today wondering when she was going to be going home so I wanted to make sure I could answer your questions. 

Crystals next surgery will be January 24th💜

Thank you again, I could never thank you enough for your prayers and kind words. Through this journey, I’ve learned that there are good people out there, since we seem to always hear about the bad. 

Thank You.

Written on Thursday, January 10th @ 3:15pm

Well we got to see our fighter💜 She looks good, she even talked a bit and now she is going to rest.

As I say to Crystal, another miracle happened, they got the lesions, including the scary one by your airway. Crystal says they did? No one said anything to me yet. What a blessing that we got to see her reaction with the news…bonus.

Thank you all again for loving our daughter, our family, our journey.

Another added stress this morning…

Written on Thursday, January 10th @ 9:05am

Surgery has begun and goodness what a ride of emotions to start. Everything has gone well this early morning but we have learned that Dr. Schmit, who was the doctor who gave us a good feeling at the consultation, is very ill with flu today. We were shocked, nervous and Crystal says, God is keeping us on our toes. Now we had a decision to make, do we cancel and wait until he is better or go with another doctor on her team. Well, a quick meeting with a doctor on her team. Dr. Schmitz, he is kind, he talked about Crystals case with Dr. Schmit yesterday, he stated Dr. Schmit is his mentor and then we learn that his father is from Cedar Rapids and also went to Regis. So….trust your gut. Crystal said I’m at the best place, let’s do it.

 

 

We can feel you, God can hear you.

Written on Wednesday, January 9th @ 10:15pm

Trust me when I say, we can feel your prayers. Todays consultation went well, it was positive and we feel confident. Surgery will be tomorrow morning for the right lung. 

As we drove to Mall of America this afternoon, I stared out the window as Gage drove, the sun was bright and as my eyes filled with tears I thought to myself, I felt good about that last appointment, we all felt good…I can feel those prayers. God is listening, he really is listening.

 

 

 

More Prayers Please

Written on Tuesday, January 8th @ 9:55pm

We are in our hotel, ready for bed. Thank you for the love today and we sure would take some more prayers. Tomorrow morning we have another doctors appointment and at this time surgery is still scheduled for early Thursday morning. 

Here is what we learned today: There are 5 tumors in the lungs now, one still in the left side and now instead of 2 in the right, there are 4. They are going to try to ablate the lung with four on Thursday but one is tricky because it is close to the airway. Then they were thinking about getting the one on the other side in two weeks potentially but we will know more on that one tomorrow. In addition, there are two new tumors in her liver. So the goal after surgery is to do chemo.

Dr. McWilliams is hoping that the chemo will help reduce the others in size and also make stuff go dormant in the body again. Her last doctor had thought that way and then she was good for two years, so the hope is, maybe that would work again. Chemo for 3-6 months is what he is thinking, same chemo as before too. Then after doing Chemo for awhile we can see what the next step should be.

Was it the news we wanted, no but it could be worse. It really could be so much worse. 

It was hard to call Rod and tell him the news, he was shocked that it was back in the liver and I could tell he wanted to be here. And then calling her sisters was even more heartbreaking. I called them each separately and hearing their voice crack, the quietness on the other side, it made me want to see them. I can’t imagine how they are feeling as it is their sister, their best friend.

How is Crystal? Well, she woke up today feeling under the weather. Crystal is fighting a terrible cold, so trying to do all these tests and get that news and not feel 100% is frustrating. It’s hard to stay positive when it seems like you keep getting knocked back but we are doing our best and trusting our path.

Tonight at dinner Crystal said, “Mom, remember when we were little and if it was late or if we were busy all day and we would be getting home late, you would ask us what our plan was when we would get home? Remember? And then we would have us say what the plan was and then that is what we would do. Well mom, I still do that and right now I have a plan when we get back to the hotel room and what we are gonna do”. You know it’s funny, I remember that when they were little it helped me keep them organized and helped them feel big making their own agenda. Sometimes it would be as simple as…I’m going to take off my shoes, clean out my book bag, get ready for bed, eat a snack and then read before bed. Each one would tell me their plan… Oh how I wish it was that simple. 

2019 we are ready to fight!

Written on Friday, December 4th @ 12:00pm

How were your holidays? Did you find your blessings? Do you have goals set for 2019? I know our holidays were good, I know we found our blessings and our goals are set. However, we do know someone else knows our future, our path and I sure hope he is giving us strength and listening to our prayers.

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9 

Since our last update we have been pretty busy.

You know when the girls were little I would always surprise them with little things to do together. I never really thought of them growing up and showing the same love. I received a group text from Crystal, Courtney and Cassidy to be ready at 8:30am, we will be picking you and grandma (Shari) up.  We had no idea what we were doing but we were ready. They took us to a very early morning movie to see the Grinch. It was a perfect way to start the holidays off. Actually that morning it was fun to see other moms in the theater with their little little ones. Listening to the little ones made you smile and take you back. I needed that.

Next thing you know, we are celebrating Thanksgiving. Rod is an amazing cook. We make a good team, I clean, he cooks and together we watch everyone enjoy.

We also celebrated Cassidy and my mother’s Birthday by going to “Elf”. It was a fun night out to dinner, then seeing a show as a family. On Cassidy’s actual birthday we took a limo ride and looked at Christmas Lights. It was relaxing. Rod and I had bid on that limo ride at a fundraiser for someone else who is battling cancer, crazy how that worked very well for our family and making memories while helping someone else.

Christmas is always at our home with my family on Christmas Eve. The girls had a wonderful Christmas however, Courtney was very ill. It is funny how we worried so much about Crystal and then here, Courtney was struggling. It is so hard to watch the ones you love be sick. As Courtney cried to me she says, “Mom, I think I just needed to cry and I know it’s not cancer.” Gosh I must say that broke my heart to hear her say that. But Courtney was feeling much better in a few days after Christmas.

Crystal is the one that decided our New Year’s Eve plans. She just wanted everyone over to her home to play games. And that is what we did. Board Games & Mario Kart = Laughs & Smiles.

Now the questions, how is Crystal doing? How are we doing? Well, Crystal looks wonderful as always. We did have a scare during this month with a mole that popped up out of no where, she of course had to have a biopsy and they also did a biopsy on her head for the alopecia. The results from her mole came back good however her alopecia is an aggressive form (Lichen Planopilaris). It broke my heart as Crystal got her news and explained it to me. Why does she keep getting stuff? On another note, Crystal is still dancing but at our last practice it was very hard for her to breathe. She gets upset. It frustrates her that she struggles with breathing when she is trying to do the things she normally does but yet she has not let that slow her down. Crystal has said she can tell she is more short tempered. She snaps. She gets frustrated. Crystal said she loved her holidays but they were different. And I would have to agree.

I did really enjoy our holidays. However, I found myself anxious for January, wanting to know the next step. Wanting to know the outcome, wanting everything to be back to normal. I had to say to myself multiply times, live in the moment. Another thing, I find myself wanting to talk to God and pray and yet not wanting too. I actually have been doing that the last few months. I have come to the conclusion it is because then I have to think about our circumstances and what we are going through when I ask for a miracle, guidance and help. It just makes me sad, I just don’t want to do that, I don’t want to feel it. So I say nothing. I say Thank You. I pray quickly. I don’t even know if that is the right thing to do but telling you all seems to make me feel better.

I would like to take a moment and thank a family for the generous gift to a movie and dinner, just so you know Novak’s we will be getting that in this weekend before we leave. Also, my cousin Kathy…it was fun to get our nails done at dance practice.

Yesterday the sun, the weather here in Iowa was beautiful and today it is repeating itself. Go enjoy it, take a walk, take a deep breath that is what I am going to do.

Crystal’s next appointment at Mayo with testing will start at 7:00am on Tuesday, January 8th. It is a full day of tests, new tests, doctor visits, surgeon visits and then more tests on Wednesday, January 9th. Her surgery is schedule for early Thursday morning.

We have four options.  They are the facts.  1.) There could be a miracle with all of these prayers & those tumors could be gone.  2.) Those tumors may not have grown, they may not be able to get them but they are planning.  Those doctors are focused to get them.  3.) They have grown, they have not multiplied, they are going to operate and yes your lung can collapse, the pain, the journey is scary but we want them out of there.  So you fight.  4.) They have grown, they have spread and we will have to figure out a form of chemo.  Oh my beautiful daughter, the one that made me a mom.  I hate your fight, I wish I could take it for you.

20 Days Later.

Written on Tuesday, November 20th @ 8:40pm

Sitting on the couch, listening to Christmas music, sipping on cold water and thinking, we need to always look for the good.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  A time to find those blessings and a time to remember to be thankful for what you have because it can always be worse.

Well, since I last updated you, I have had time to be upset, sad, mad and not focused.  It lasted about 4 days.

As you recall Crystal received her news that her tumors had spread to her lungs on October 31st, Halloween.  Now what you may have not known is Crystal and Gage were going on vacation the following day, November 1st.  Some dear friends of theirs had gotten married and invited people to join them on their vacation to the Dominican.  Crystal had no time to be sad, mad or worried.  She was in shock and then getting on a plane.  I would say a great form of medication for her.

As I received her text messages and her snapchat stories I could tell she was having the time of her life.  Thankful for Gage, a strong, confident, positive husband.  Who enjoys living life and making sure she stays just as positive.  They compliment each other well.

As for mom, on Thursday, I was in shock and sad.  Friday, Saturday and Sunday I tried so hard to think of the holidays, Cassidy’s Birthday, Christmas gift ideas, Amanda’s upcoming wedding but I found myself crying or just tearing up.  I could tell the people I would bump into when I was out and about didn’t know what to say to me.  They would be quiet and smile with a sad stare.  I then found myself feeling horrible for them, such an awkward feeling.  And usually after starting up a conversation, we all would begin crying.  Bumping into Emily and her family while we were shopping, even Cassidy had to walk away.

I even caught myself on social media getting upset when I would see a post from someone having a bad day, I would think, that’s a bad day?  And then I would have to remind myself we all have a story.

So Monday morning comes, I lay in bed not wanting to get up.  Almost 5 days of that attitude.  I didn’t have dance that week which was perfect because I didn’t have to see anyone.  As I lay there, I am thinking so this is gonna be my life.  I am just going to pout, be sad, not be motivated because I know the future?  Like I am allowing this?  I am going to show my daughters that life throws you a curve and it’s over?  I mean it is okay to be sad and mad for a few days but I sure in the heck don’t want to live in that frame of mind more than a few days.  Crystal is going to come home from vacation to a mother who is depressed and then she will begin to worry about me.  And that was it, I got out of bed, immediately went to the basement and decided a deep cleaning would be a good thing to do to keep my mind busy.  I cleaned and cleaned, periodically thought of my daughters, my life, the holidays, my family, my childhood, my friends, my dear friends.  And by that evening, I decided for the first time to put my tree up early.  Rod came home and was relaxing after a long day at work, then he heard some crazy noises downstairs, as he comes down the steps he asked me what I was doing with a funny look on his face.  I said, keeping my mind busy, focusing on happier times with the holidays coming.  He went back upstairs which I thought, I am not crazy.  Next thing I know he came back down and staring helping with the tree.  I was up very late that night making sure that basement was perfect.

Now comes Tuesday…I didn’t want to get out of bed again, but then it felt so good yesterday to accomplish something.  So I got up, made some coffee, started laundry and began a long day of book-work.  It felt good to get a jump start on taxes and figure our holiday budget too.  

But when Wednesday came, I was struggling.  I could feel the happiness I had for Crystal’s vacation and then suddenly getting upset for the worry I will have in January.  Life is not fair.  I am not sure what to think but I didn’t allow that negative thinking to continue.  I got up, made that coffee and deep cleaned the upstairs for Thanksgiving.  Again, I cleaned and cleaned.  Rod comes home from a very long day at work, it is late, I look at him as he had tracked mud throughout the house.  I think he could tell I wanted to flip out but instead of being angry (trust me, it does annoy me, it would be like my following him around at work and pulling out every nail he just pounded in) I looked at him and said Rod, you know the work Crystal and I wanted done at the dance studio?  I think we should do it, I think we should start tonight.  I only have a few days before she is home.  I want to surprise her, I want her to see we are not giving up.  I want her to see that we will still keep planning.  After Rod had tracked in mud, I think that helped him not say No to me.  Instead he said get your coat, let’s go.  And as we drove to the studio, I thanked him for caring and for having the talent to do that kind of work.  Courtney had to work late as she does on Wednesdays but Cassidy she was ready to tear down that wall.  It felt good, it felt right, it felt positive, it felt up-lifting.  We took some anger out on that wall and left it at that.

Rod and I worked at the studio Thursday evening.  And then early Friday morning, I had called my mom to talk about Crystal coming home and how Crystal stated this was the best vacation she had ever had.  That she wants the whole family to go there next year.  That she had the time of her life and loved the people she was with.  As my mother asks  what I am doing today, I explain I have to finish this studio, it is a surprise for Crystal.  She will see that we are not giving up.  Trust me, I even questioned doing this work when come January who knows what will happen but I have to try.  I have to keep living.  My mom offers to come to the studio and help, I really didn’t want my mom to feel she had to be there all day but she insisted.  And I am so very grateful that she did.  14 hours straight of updating/cleaning that dance studio.  I could have never done it by myself.  I rehung every poster/calendar/photo in order of starting this business.  After talking to my mom, Rod and her sisters we decided to say nothing to Crystal until Monday when we were going to work.

After enjoying Crystal and Gage being home and hearing all about their trip.  It was already Monday.

Picking Crystal up for work and I could tell something was wrong.  She says, Mom I have horrible news.  I got it about 5 hours ago.  I needed time to myself to take it in.  Mayo called me.  I will be going back January 8th with testing for two days, some of the testing is the same but there is more new tests.  Not including I have more doctors added to my team of doctors I already have.  They have scheduled a surgery on the 10th for one of my lungs.  They will do each lung separate just incase one were to collapse.  Then two weeks later if everything is good, they will have surgery on the other lung.  Mom, what are we going to do about dance?  I want to dance mom and it’s like everything is in the way.  Why is this happening?  I didn’t even want to go to the studio today, I just keep crying.  It makes me so sad.

I took a deep breath, as I listened to her.  I even thought to myself, not only was it great that she got to have that wonderful vacation.  But with her leaving it gave me a week to cry, be sad, be angry and not feel like I had to be positive because she was home and would need me.  Maybe God gave me that time to find my focus?  As I explained to Crystal, be sad, be mad, cry, sleep I did it for four days.  I couldn’t find my focus.  You my sweetie have not had time to do that.  You have been on the go, so take that time.  You deserve.  You’re right, I dont’ know what to do about dance but you know what I do know?  We need to keep planning.  We can’t stop.  We can’t give up.  We have four options.  They are the facts.  1.) There could be a miracle with all of these prayers & those tumors could be gone.  2.) Those tumors may not have grown, they may not be able to get them but they are planning.  Those doctors are focused to get them.  3.) They have grown, they have not multiplied, they are going to operate and yes your lung can collapse, the pain the journey is scary but we want them out of there.  So you fight.  4.) They have grown, they have spread and we will have to figure out a form of chemo.  Oh my beautiful daughter, the one that made me a mom.  I hate your fight, I wish I could take it for you.

As I open the doors to the studio she looks at me and says, Mom did you? Her arms wrapped around me as she cried and said Thank You Mom, I needed this.  I need to keep moving forward.  Just then her dad walks in and smiles and says what is all this crying about?  

I find it interesting that we did everything we could to get that studio ready in three days. for her new journey that she wanted so bad with he Spirits.  The timing of Mayo calling, our drive to Lindale Mall with the heartfelt conversation and then her seeing the studio.  I feel God planned it that way.  I can’t explain the joy of us hugging her and actually seeing her find hope with staying focused on living life, on planning, on moving forward.

As for Crystal, she is putting up her tree, excuse me, trees.  She is thankful for all of the support, kind words, thoughtful messages.  She is ready to enjoy her holidays.  And as I explained to the family again this year, embrace this holiday because you never know if you will all be together for the next one.

 

 

 

Driving Home…

Written on Thursday, November 1st @ 8:15am

What a long day.  Crystal’s last appointment for the day was at 4:05pm.  We had been up already for 12 hours and still had our drive home.  The day comes with anxiety, your emotions are all over the place and that alone can make you exhausted.  We sat in the doctors office just like we always do, Crystal, Gage, Mom and Dad sitting on the bench waiting for the news.  Each of us have our own thoughts, each of us make small talk and somehow we all find time to giggle.  As the nurse finishes taking her blood pressure, the velcro from taking the cuff off her arm seemed loud to me that day, which I thought to myself, it’s funny how that sound almost makes me sad anymore.  The door opens and in walks her doctor in his orange tie.  So nice looking, reserved and polite.  And we hear her news.

The liver has two spots that they’re watching and they still are not sure what they are.  We did know of those spots and we are very happy that those are the same.  Such wonderful news.  But the new news is, it has moved to her lungs.  Since June’s appointment the spots in her lungs have grown and a new one has been found.  We also know that the spots are too little at this time to try get.  Two tumors in the right lung and one tumor in the left.  We have options, we wait until January, see if more multiply, see if they grow and then we try to go get them.  We could also go back on chemo to hopefully keep them from growing and multiplying, there is no guarantee with that and then she could end up being on chemo for the rest of her life.  There is also a few other things that she might be able to do.  I tried my very best not to cry as I ask the doctor if she was your daughter what would you tell her to do…and he says as he looks at Crystal.  I think you should enjoy your holidays, the spots are small and we wait to see what they do.  So that is our plan.  We wait, we pray, we trust, we believe and we do our very best to not take these holidays for granted.

As we walk out of the office we hug each other, we say it’s not the news we wanted to hear but now we enjoy the holidays, we have a plan.  Crystal is quiet, Rod is quiet, Gage calls his family, Crystal asks me to call her sisters and then I call my mom.  We make a plan to meet at BWW when we get back into town.

We stop at a gas station not to just get gas but to get some chocolate, some candy, I guess it’s our Halloween Candy for the ride home.  As Gage and Rod get out of the car, Crystal says, “Mom, I just want to dance.  Don’t quit the studio, I need the Professional Team, I want to perform this year.  I really need to mom”.  I said okay, we’ve got this.  I took a deep breath, I could feel my tears.  The boys get back in the car and it is quiet.  We do of course go through a few small towns on the way home, we could see some trick o treaters and how happy they probably were.  What a beautiful night for them to be out.  As I continued to drive home, the three of them slept.  I watched the farmers on their combines working in the fields, the dust, the semi trucks, the smell, all the deer coming out of the fields.  It’s actually very beautiful to see, it’s peaceful when the sun is coming down and you see them working in the fields.  It is like a picture you see in a magazine of the midwest only I am really seeing it, seeing the beauty.  That morning when I drove, right when the sun was coming up, the three of them were sleeping again and I watched the farmers getting their day started in the fields.  I wondered what their life is like, must be a long day for them too.

So I count my blessings, we still all have each other, Crystal is very loved, she is not fighting alone and it can always be worse.  I know where my children are and I am lucky they are still with me.  Thank You God I found some blessings but I need sometime to cry and be mad.