May 2015

Sad but determined…

Written on Tuesday, May 12th @ 8:45pm

As I sit at the CR Spirits Dance Studio tonight, hair in a pony, make-up smeared from tears, voice tired from telling the story all day, I try to find my positive attitude. However, wearing sweatpants with flip flops which maybe comfy does not help with the attitude, tomorrow is a new day and I am ready, we are ready.

Yesterday was Crystal’s birthday. When we picked her up that morning to head to the Mayo Clinic, she was happy, looked beautiful in a mint green Victoria Secret open back sweatshirt. She had her new walking shoes on her feet and a smile that would melt anyones heart. Gage and Crystal talked, smiled and giggled all they way there, she was making plans for that evenings birthday dinner. Crystal loves cookies and a big cookie/cake was what she wanted.

Arriving at the Mayo Clinic we were ready to get this appointment over with. Hearts were racing but honestly we just wanted answers. As we were sitting on that little couch again in the exam room, I was reminded of the post I did for “Crystal’s Story” with the kittens which made me smile, yet made think of what we were actually doing there.

Well~ her cancer is back. There is a spot in her liver and a spot/lymph node near her left side of the aorta. The part that probably bothers me the most is the spot/lymph node near the aorta is not able to be surgically removed because it is near a artery which means our option is Chemo.

So…We have a plan. A plan, funny how you are excited that you have a plan but yet it is Cancer. It feels so much better than guessing everything, I guess. Crystal will be doing the same Chemo as last time, oral. She will be doing her Chemo check-ups at Mercy’s Hall Perrine Cancer Center like last time as well and then heading to Rochester, MN every two months.

I can’t describe what it feels like to hear it. To hear that your beautiful, kind hearted daughter is sick again. To hear that it can’t be surgically removed probably upset me even more. But I still have HOPE. I still believe in MIRACLES. Now do I questioned it? Sure, I am human. By the way, thank you Michelle for listening to me vent. Someday I will write a book and tell more of the story, Crystal will be so proud of me.

Driving back home on her birthday, Crystal slept…Rod and Gage did a little bit too. They all got some rest before it was time to celebrate. Crystal was happy and I found myself feeling sorry for everyone there who didn’t really know what to say but hey we got through it.

Tomorrow morning, very early tomorrow morning Crystal and I will be heading back to Rochester for a doctors visit. Crystal has a consultation with a fertility specialist. At least this time she might have the opportunity. Funny I always say it’s beautiful drive to Rochester. It’s an easy one, hmmmm I will be doing it three times in less than a week and two of those days we will have done drive in one day (over 6 hours), okay it’s not that great:)

We will then be coming back for Cassidy’s Senior Presentation before dance practice and then Vegas! It will take every ounce of strength I have got to get through this trip without a tear or a question but I will. I will for Crystal. Crystal is very excited for this trip. Very excited for the experience. I won’t take that away from her.

Today was rough for me and I have learned it was for Crystal too. It’s hard to get out of bed when you are angry and sad. It is okay to have a bad day or two but more than that can be scary…So we will give ourselves today and then tomorrow, dress up, take a deep breath and enjoy what this weekend will bring. Live in the moment. Make a memory. Laugh. Smile and plan for the future. Yes, life does go on.

And again, the waiting begins…

Written on Saturday, May 9th @ 10:30am

Sitting at the kitchen table, drinking some coffee and reflecting on what we just all went through the last few days.

As I stated in the last update, Crystal’s appointment was rescheduled for Wednesday, May 6th. We were lucky, we got to sleep in a bit before having to head up to Rochester, MN. Crystal’s first test was going to be blood work.

It was a nice ride actually it always is. We didn’t talk much. I asked her if she was nervous, she said a little. But really we just turned up the music and practiced our routines in our head. Oh I guess we did talk about work little bit but that usually never seems like work. Lucky us.

We checked into our hotel and then walked to the Mayo Clinic. It was nice out yet a little chilly. Such a beautiful town. So clean, cute and looking around you are reminded of how special it is here. You realize what a miracle this place is. What a gift this Clinic is to many people, to many families.

Crystal of course does her first few tests like a pro. We even got to visit with a very special person who has been following Crystal’s Story. She is very knowledgeable on the type of Cancer Crystal has because her son is going through something similar. It really is crazy how people come into your life and how much joy you can find in it, if you just take a moment.

The MRI was the last test of the day. By this time, Crystal was so very hungry, tired, and getting shaky which honestly made me think about when she was first diagnosed with Cancer. Those shakes, the worries…Oh how I hate those feelings. I couldn’t comfort her and I knew that Rod and Gage were just leaving home to head to Rochester, MN after a long day at work.

I shared this on FaceBook “As I sit in this quiet waiting room, tickling her arm to take her mind off her IV, to take her mind off of food…I can’t help to where my mind goes…oh the worry. I reflect on how lucky we are that we are together, that we get along, that we’ve met some wonderful people today that have touched our lives and then I think of Crystal…such a brave kind person. So thoughtful & positive today as I can see the hunger & worry that she tries so hard to forget. Her eyes are closed, then the pager goes off, we both jump…it’s time for the MRI…she smiles & says I can’t wait to eat. Oh please please let there be good news tomorrow…”

The minute her test was done she ate up an orange that a nurse gave us early that day. I think the nurse could tell she was hungry and then it was off for Ice Cream and Chocolate before the boys showed up. She knew exactly what she wanted.

Once her dad and Gage arrived safely we hit the restaurant, “Newt”…It is kind of turned into our place. The best Cheeseburgers around. After dinner we called it a night.

I was so tired but yet it has been very hard for me to sleep lately. My mind is racing with everything going on around me, personally, family, career…I guess life. It is almost like I try not to think about Crystal’s tests or new doctors because when I do negative thoughts try to take over…so I ignore it but then maybe I don’t because I find myself tossing and turning, my leg just shakes as I try to lay still to sleep. My last words that I remember…”God help me sleep, Help me help her, What am I suppose to be doing, What is my purpose, Am I suppose to be helping others, Am I not listening to you?” And then I am out for at least 4 hours…I have been saying this to myself a lot lately and honestly it gives me a headache but once my mind is full, I fall asleep.

Next morning was an 8:40am appointment for Crystal. We got to meet one of her new team of doctors. Doctor Robert McWilliams. He is nice looking, kind, and younger than I thought he would be. He focuses on Melanoma and Pancreatic Cancer in younger patients, Crystal loved all of that about him since all of those things were in our little family.

When he walked out of the room for a moment, Crystal, Gage, Rod and I all said out loud at the sametime, “I like him”. So I think that is a good sign. I think we were all nervous but meeting him took some worries away plus we know Crystal has been looking good and everyone has been praying so I am sure we are going to hear good news.

Have you ever seen the kitten video with the five little kittens that follow the light. Their heads nod back and fourth so cute, so innocent. That is probably what we look like when a doctor or nurse enters the exam room. See we sit on a little couch. Crystal sits closest to the doctor, then Gage, then Mom, then Dad…and I bet every time a doctor or nurse walks in we look just like those kittens…we follow each person in that room with all of our eyes on them and our hearts racing.

So when the door opened back up, the doctor this time came in quietly and said, well we have talked to the Radiologist and they have found a few things. They are not quite sure so we will need to investigate a little further. There are possible two spots in her liver and a spot/lymph node near her aorta on the left side.

My heart dropped. The tears began and since we sit in a line I knew no one could see me crying but the doctor. I tried so very hard to stay positive and listen to the words biopsy not cancer…biopsy but let me tell you it took everything I could to hold back.

All four of us were in shock, no one was really talking, just taking it all in. We went to the Gonda waiting room on 10th floor to wait for our orders. That is a large waiting room. It was busy. The nurse came out to explain what we needed to do, blood work and then followed by a procedure early the next morning. That is when we all realized we would be staying another night. Crystal let out her emotions, the tears and crying began. Rod and Gage were quiet taking it all in. I remember trying not to cry, trying to hold it in and looking up and seeing strangers wiping their eyes as they watched her. What were these strangers thinking. How hurt they must of felt watching our family be lost for the moment. What is their story? It just made me cry harder. The nurse very kindly, and in a loud tone said…”You are to young for this, get this blood test done and get out of here for a while. Go to the Mall of America…it’s an hour and 20 minutes away…take a break, get out of here.” Typing this is extremely hard but I think a good cry is needed.

Before we walked away I did ask the nurse about a Vegas Trip Crystal and 10 of her Dance Team members are taking next week. I wanted the nurse to ask the doctor if we should be canceling this trip. And the nurse was on it, we received a phone call by the time we got off the elevator that the doctor has made it very clear that she must go on this vacation. We will get our results on Monday and figure out our next step.

As Crystal looks at me and says…the doctor didn’t need to tell me that, I was still going on that trip mom. To all of you, the Spirits got the opportunity to perform in one of the Casinos in Vegas next week. The last time this happened, we were offered a job however my daughters were little that I turned the job offer down. But we did get some fun opportunities with it, one of them being the Country Music Awards and another Dick Clark’s New Years Eve Bash in LA…So I think Crystal has some big dreams she would like to fill with this opportunity.

So as I try to listen to Crystal’s thoughts on Vegas, I am thinking it is so hard to be creative, positive and think of a future when you just want to cry. I just want to be a mom not a coach. I just want to protect my daughters, focus on their futures. I can’t think about Spirits and Vegas, I have a daughter graduating from high school, another daughter leaving for Ireland for study abroad. I don’t have time. But then I realize this is what keeps my daughter Crystal going and I knew I needed to focus on her sisters at the moment as I kept getting messages from them which Crystal said, mom you call everyone not me.

Courtney was first, I knew she was home. I could hear her voice shake, I could tell she wanted to change her plans but I got her to listen to me. I got her to stay focused and stick with her game plan. Next was Cassidy…that one was harder, she was at school and the emotion and shock took over. Thank Goodness for Mr. Anderson and her teachers at Prairie…I felt assured they would help her, they would calm her down. I hated not being there for them but at least I could hear their voices and talk to them.

But before calling them, I called my mom. I knew she would hear me and give me good advice before making the calls to my daughters. I could hear my mom crying which made me so sad for her. So sad that we had to do it over the phone. Sad that there were no answers just more questions. What would I do without my mom?

Here is a text Crystal and I received from my mom after our phone call, “My beautiful strong girls this is why u go there every few months.  To attack it!! And that is what we will do! And to u my sweet Crystal I have no idea why u, but someday we will all know. Love u so much ❤️❤️

We then realized after a few more phone calls that an update was needed on Facebook because messages were beginning to come in with some of the kids at Prairie seeing Cassidy crying. Plus the Spirits had a performance that night at Lindale Mall which Crystal and I of course would not be back for, and our parents in the Studio needed to be told what was taking place.

Once it was all taking care of, off to the Mall of America. I must Thank Gage. He was upbeat, positive, willing to drive so we could all sleep. He helped Rod. He helped all of us. And watching Crystal and him ride the rides in the amusement park made me smile and cry. They were little kids again. I can still see her laughing on the swings and the funny thing is Gage filmed it and I never knew until he sent me the clip. So ironic.

Friday was a long day. The procedure was more than I think any of us really thought. She is tough like her dad and because she is tough you get a positive feeling that she is fine and this will pass. Sitting in the waiting room for over 2 hours on something you thought would of taken an hour makes you antsy. As I look around the room, play on my phone, my mind begins to worry. Gage goes to get checked out of the hotel as Rod and I sit there quietly. Then here comes this clean cut young man, “Tiffany? Your daughter, Crystal is calling for you. She is very emotional at this moment. She is not in pain, we have given her some medicine but we need you to come back.” It was devastating to hear that. I started to cry and then I stopped, took a deep breath and pulled back the curtain to see a little girl laying on a hospital bed, wrapped in many blankets, looking scared to death but relieved to see a familiar face. It is heart wrenching. Her eyes were blood shot. I couldn’t quit kissing her and tickling her face. I could feel her calm down…They never allow people back in the recovery room but they did let all of us come back. It was wonderful, it took about two hours to recover. She could go home but needed to be near a hospital. So many different kinds of scares. Exhausting.

We are now all home safely. Crystal’s 23rd Birthday is Monday, May 11th. She has an afternoon appointment at Mayo to learn more about her tests and what our next step is. We sure would take more prayers and again…Thank You. I don’t know much more to say.

As for Rod, Crystal’s dad. His ankle surgery in January did go well. However, Rod has gotten a severe Staph Infection from it. He was in the hospital a few days last week. He has a pic in his arm, which is an IV that his daily antibiotics are given into. His nurse comes to the house once a week. Rod is very tough but honestly he is very sick. He is doing good but his leg is extremely infected, very sore and tender. He struggles to walk and cannot lift more than 10 pounds. I know he is not a communicator but I do know that watching his daughter Crystal go through this, worrying about work, getting ready for a graduation party and trying to fight his own illness is exhausting. Please send Rod some prayers as well. This morning I did ask Rod to take some time for himself. I schedule a haircut for him this morning that always can make you feel good. Rod is kind, very hard working and loves his family. He would never ask for help but I know that he needs it and I think starting with prayers is a great start for him.

I know this was a long journal entry but there was so much to say. To all of the mothers out there, whether you are married or single, whether you are a step mom or a foster mom, if you have adopted a child or have given birth or a man doing a mothers job…I wish you the Happiest Mother’s Day. I hope you find yourself looking for the positive things in your life and bestow it on your children. Being a mom is a rewarding job but I would have to say it is the most difficult job there is.

You love with your whole heart unconditionally. You raise them, teach them, nurture them, praise them. You sacrifice, you would do anything for them because you are a mom and that is what a good mother does. And when you do your job right there is always the possibility that your heart will be broken.

Stay strong Crystal, Courtney & Cassidy, embrace the love from others at this time, they are gifts from God. The three of you are so incredibly lucky to have each other. I’m extremely happy that I get to be your mom. God gave me three gifts, three lives to watch over until he needs you back. I’m blessed & so are you girls. My little hero’s all I need for Mothers Day is my three daughters finding joy in the day.