May 2014

We were taken back…

Written May 29th @ 11:05am 

We had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend filled with family and friends. There were grill outs, bonfires, grad parties, a baby reveal party, walks and bike rides, now it was time to head to the Rochester, MN.

Crystal drove on this trip to the Mayo with Gage, Rod and I as her wonderful supportive passengers.

Early Tuesday morning the testing begins. Lab work starts first than onto an MRI. As we wait, we chit chat, play on our phones, read books, stare around with amazement of this remarkable place and pray to God things are good.

For Mother’s Day, my mother gave me a book that I thought would be a good time to start reading, “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult. It’s a hard book to put down and yet very sad. It’s funny; you can feel the emotions in the story like you are living it. My mom said she felt I could relate to some of it, that’s why she wanted me to read it.

Another interesting thing that happened to me while we waited for Crystals tests to be done; I got to visit with a couple of people who have been following Crystal’s Story with the updates I write. It was a wonderful surprise to me to meet them. I was so happy that they reached out. One of them I was hoping to meet by a previous email she had sent, she happen to be at Mayo the same time we were going to be there…how ironic is that? The other person was just sitting in the same waiting room in this large Mayo Clinic…how ironic is that? And she recognized me from the posts. Hearing from them, made me realize why I write. See you think it is to help yourself but in reality it is helping someone else.

As for Tuesday, we were done with tests by early afternoon so we decided to walk back to our hotel. It was nice out, it felt good to be outside. We decided to walk over to St. Mary’s Hospital to see the Church. I had to get a photo of Crystal at the crosswalk.

That crosswalk, I walked many times carrying stuff back and forth from her room in the hospital to our hotel room. I remember the night that she came to stay with me at the hotel before we went home. I was excited and scared, she had major surgery and they didn’t want to release her to go home to Iowa just yet, so she got to stay a night with me in the hotel. That is where the crosswalk comes in, I was afraid she would not make it across the street. It took every bit of the 20 seconds to walk across it and today she could run it.

I have to admit walking into the hospital brought back many memories. Crystal couldn’t remember much, just a few things. Where I could remember where I ate, where I cried, where I question this journey we were on, where I flipped on the nurses, where I made phone calls, where I wrote in her journal…so many emotions. And today, Crystal did it, she lived it! Crystal looks great and feels good!

For the rest of the day we took a very long nap, longer than we thought, I think your emotions run high and wipe you out. It was then off for a little shopping and dinner.

Throughout the day I was thinking off and on what I would do if we got good news or if we got bad news. It is amazing how your mind can change in a split of a second. I could feel me getting sad just thinking about bad news. I didn’t want to think it, let alone speak it and my mind would switch to something else. You think that hearing it for the first time is the worst ever…it will never be like the first time? Well, I think it is all bad.

Wednesday is here; our first appointment is at 10:15am. I know all of us are ready for answers but yet nervous at the same time. Sitting in the room, I know I have said it before, you can hear the footsteps outside the door and constantly wonder if the door is going to open, your heart races and then you take a deep breath. We really didn’t think we would learn much in that appointment but we were wrong.

We learned from Dr. Rubin that there was a tumor in her liver. That something was already being scheduled with Dr. Que for the next week to remove it, whether it is with chemo, surgery or ablation. They would be letting us know more about what they are going to do at the afternoon appointment.

It was shocking and very hard to hear the word “Tumor” coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Yes, there is always the possibility…always a possibility that they will find something. But when you hear it and you know it’s a fact, you can feel yourself gasping for air and yet trying to find all of the strength to get through it and not cry like a baby in the office.

We left his office and had a few hours to get something to eat. No one was really hungry however; I have found comfort in food this last year which is depressing in itself. I found myself heartbroken for Crystal and wishing it was me instead of her. I found myself so sad for Rod, he struggles with emotion, he would do anything for his daughters and he can’t fix this. I found myself feeling sorry for Gage, he is in love with a girl and he is learning this journey along with us.

It was a beautiful day in Rochester, the sun was shiny and we sat outside. It was so very quiet. None of us really talked. We actually found ourselves questioning the visit, why did he tell us so soon. He had no answers and here we sit sad. But now I think we needed those hours to pull ourselves together and prepare for the fight.

Each one of us had time to think, time to react, time to prepare.

I found myself staring at Crystal…and Crystal was just staring out into space. What was she thinking? Was she ready for this fight? Will she always be ready to fight for the rest of her life?

We met with Dr. Que. She is our gift from God. I truly enjoy her. She is confident, smart and God gave her miracle hands.

We learned that Dr. Que was surprised that there were not more tumors. She was very happy with only finding one. We learned that Crystal will not start chemo at this time. We learned that Crystal will visit Mayo every three months. We learned that Crystal will need to be back to Mayo next Thursday for more tests and then she will have a procedure, Friday morning at 8am and stay in the hospital thru Saturday if all goes well.

The procedure is Radiofrequency Tumor Ablation. Basically they take a needle into her liver and burn the tumor. No dancing for a month, other than that, as we say…”We’ve Got This”!

By 2:15pm the text messages were starting from her sisters. We knew we were going to have to make some calls however we didn’t want to do it over the phone but we knew staying quiet would make their minds go crazy. Crystal said, “Mom, call them”.

It was hard to tell them. Cassidy cried so hard, she had just got home from school. I think she had hope that it was going to be fine but then the hurt in her voice I could tell she was in shock. Courtney was just getting off of work. She stayed strong yet quiet I am sure she was in shock and trying to figure out her schedule with work and Crystal’s procedure. Courtney has said before without tears, I am not the one with Cancer however she is the first one crying at dance practice. There was no one was home to comfort them. But we got through it. We got home safely and we have a plan…that is huge and that gives us hope.

As I wake up today from a deep deep sleep I find myself not motivated at all. Who is that going to help I say to myself? I think of the future and then realize I need to take one day at a time. I talk with Crystal, she says, “I am in shock mom. I am just laying here.” I told her I feel the same way but we have to get up and stick with a routine because we are smart enough to know if we don’t we will be lost.

She agrees…Happy Thursday to you all. Be kind to others. Talk to you all soon….

I hate Cancer!

Written May 22nd @ 6:25pm

What a day it has been. Crystal has been on an emotional ride today, last night she was good, today she has struggled. So many tears on this Thursday afternoon…

Why?

Because next week is Crystal’s Check-Up at the Mayo. Next Tuesday, May 27^th & Wednesday, May 28^th we will learn how Crystal is doing.

I asked Crystal what she is feeling, she said, “I feel lost mom.”

Your mind races with questions and worry. Even I have drove myself crazy thinking about it, but then I take a deep breath and try to think about something else without filling Crystal in on it. I seriously don’t know how I will react if this news is not good. I am not even sure I know how Crystal will take it besides the family. But we put it in God’s hands; at least that is what I am saying to myself a lot today. Crystal and I went on a nice walk to get some of the emotions out of the way before dance.

Oh everyone, we so want your prayers. We want to feel that power like we did a year ago. We need your positive thoughts to help us through it. Crystal gets energy and strength from me, I get mine from her but my whole family needs all of you to get us through it. Together we are more powerful.

I have no idea what it feels like to be on this ride as the one living it but I sure know how it feels to be the parent watching someone you dearly love fight this battle. It is heartbreaking. It is sad.

So many people say they watch us go through this and are amazed at our strength. Honestly, I think it is hearing from all of you that makes us get up each day. Some days you feel like you are watching your life play out from above. It is scary. I have even tried to go back and reread where we were a year ago and I can’t even finish one post without thinking, “How did we live through that?”

On some good news, Crystal celebrated her 22^nd birthday on Mother’s Day. Crystal also did graduate from college. She has her degree in Marketing and Business. It is a huge accomplishment and even though her plans had some big changes in them, she did it. I am so very proud of her. It is time to order her graduation cake!

Another big event Crystal had to do was to take out the other three wisdom teeth. If you remember Crystal had one removed during chemo because it had gotten infected. It was already scary to take one out during that time but we had to. Well of course she was getting ready for finals at school and sure enough it was happening again with the other ones. She had a very painful week and then once she finished her last final, out they came! She is handling it very good. However, because of her going through chemo we had to go get some blood work done at the Mercy Cancer Perrine Center before surgery. Walking into that place was extremely moving for both of us. I would have to say I never thought we would get that emotional walking in there but after being gone for 6 months and then opening those doors all of the memories came rushing back and hit us like a brick wall.

To all of you that are living with Cancer or a loved one helping someone through it…I never ever realized the journey is so long…so very long.

God Bless you all.

To the ones that are battling a similar life changing event and have reached out to us, your story is meaningful. We actually gain strength from hearing from you. Remember, I am here to listen, I think God gave me a big heart for that reason.

Some of your stories I would love to share with Crystal’s followers but they are not my stories to tell but what I can ask is that her followers pray for you, pray for others, pray to remind us all to treat others kindly. People come into your life for a reason.