March 2014

Emotions are Exhausting…

Written March 12th @ 10:45am

Can’t wait for spring!  Crystal and I are looking forward to warmer weather, green grass, and flowers.  Oh we can’t forget, having our windows down in the car with the music on.

As I sit in the kitchen this morning and the sun is beaming in, I think it is a good time to update Crystal’s Story…It’s been a rough week and I always feel better after I write.

Crystal showing off her scar. It is so much lighter than a year ago.

February flew by.  Crystal and I were so very busy with the Spirit Show.  The Spirit Show was a dream of mine for years.  Celebrating being in business for 20 years I decided it was a good time to conquer that dream.  However, Crystal’s Cancer got in the way and so; I canceled that Spirit Show that was to take place in September.  I never knew how hurt Crystal was going to be with the choice that I made.  She cried so hard.  She wanted to be on that stage.  I remember Crystal making me tell the Professional Team at practice the following week that the Show must go on, even if she does not win this fight with Cancer.  There was not a dry eye in the room that night and I thought I could never do it but we will reschedule it for March and we will put it in God’s hands.

Our Poster for the Spirit Show! You should see the Calendar!

I never knew how much joy the idea of the Spirit Show brought Crystal, just wanting to be a part of it.  It gave her a goal.  It gave her something positive to look forward to.  It gave her Hope.  Well, for our first Spirit Show…it was Sold Out!  It was a Hit!  I probably put more passion into putting on that Spirit Show for my daughter than I ever could before.  She gave me the drive.  My mother (Shari) said it was the happiest she had seen Crystal in the last year.  It was a blessing…

In the meantime, I had joked with my mom about going on another vacation.  Let’s hit up Cali and go to the Ellen Show?  I stated.   As my mom laughed and said sure, I made the remark let’s go in April.  As my mother freaked out and said we can’t leave then, I am busy at work; it’s your daughter (Courtney) and Uncle Bret’s birthday!  A year ago no one felt like celebrating, Crystal was fighting for her life.  We can’t leave.  We both got off the phone thinking of the last year.

A shot from the Spirit Calendar. Showing off the color purple!

I must say it immediately took me back.  I remember Courtney feeling guilty having an 18^th birthday and celebrating on April 6^th knowing her sister had huge surgery on April 9^th.  Courtney felt like she shouldn’t be having any fun.  And then my Uncle, his birthday was literally the next day after surgery.  All he wanted was for Crystal to get through surgery and hear good news.  It made me so sad thinking about all we have gone through and all the emotions.  How did we live through that?

About 30 minutes later my mother had called me back to say, “Wouldn’t it be great if you could just take Crystal to Cali with you.  I would send you both, if you could get tickets to the Ellen Show on April 9^th a year from a huge life changing surgery”.  It made me smile to think on that terrible day we could be doing something fun a year later.  To go to the Ellen Show, a positive woman who makes you laugh and dance would be a dream.  But Ellen tickets maybe FREE but HARD to get.  It can take a couple of years to get them.

So, I reached out to a friend/acquaintance of mine from an event the Spirits did back in California.  I asked if she had any contact to get me tickets for the Ellen Show in April.  Interesting enough she had been following Crystal’s Story.  Isn’t funny how people come into your life?  She said she knew someone and will see what she can do?  I really never thought anymore about it.  Until…

On a Tuesday, I am sitting in my office at work, paperwork everywhere and up pop’s a message.  She got me tickets to the April 9^th Ellen Show!  I immediately was in shock and tears began flowing.  I called my mother and then called Crystal into my office.

Crystal had a worried look on her face.  She could see I was crying.  What is it mom?  Crystal on April 9^th you were fighting for your life in a major surgery.  Do you know what we are doing this year on April 9^th?  We are going to the Ellen Show in California!  Crystal dropped to her knees and cried.  With both of us on the floor in my small office, we hugged, cried and we were dying to share the news.

By the next day I had asked Crystal, does everyone think we are going to be on the show?  Because that is the feedback I am getting.  Crystal said me too.  And then we smiled.  As I then stated I kind of feel like my show tickets are not that great of a deal.  I mean isn’t it exciting to be going to Ellen, going to Cali?  It’s a vacation.  We laughed told each other some stories…are favorite is “Oh My God you are going to be on Ellen…Oh you are just going to the show…Oh that is too bad”.   Awe, we love our support from all of you.  You have all changed our lives.  So, thank you for thinking we should be on a great positive show!

Now why has our week been so rough?

The girls in Panama City, FL. This is actually the photo of Crystal that we used for the back of her shirts. She had Cancer at this time the photo was taken and we knew nothing.

The emotions of reliving what we were doing last year.  March 27^th was the day we learned of Crystal’s Cancer and you can’t help but think of the events that led up to it.   A year ago we went to the PINK Concert in Chicago…a Great Spirit Trip.  Crystal was so ill and kept up with all of us girls.  She walked all over and never complained.  None of us knew how sick she was.  Spring Break is coming up so you think of how we were getting ready to leave for Panama City, FL and how Crystal felt like she was slowly dying but none of us knew that is what she was thinking.  It breaks my heart as a parent; I can’t imagine how a sister feels let alone how Crystal feels.

Another emotion that hit this week, my niece, Amy walks into the Studio with a smile on her face.  She looks good in love, she is newly engaged, she is handing out her daughter’s 1^st birthday invitations and she just got done performing in the Spirit Show which was a dream of hers.  To top it off Amy is expecting her 2^nd little one.  Amy is glowing; her life is good, she’s on top of the world, she knows her purpose.  How lucky to have that feeling in your life at least once.  But I see Crystal staring at Amy; she didn’t take her eyes off of her.  I could see pain in Crystal’s eyes when I asked, “Why do you keep staring at Amy?”  She broke down.  It was heart breaking.  We will never know how Crystal feels.  Instead of thinking if she will marry and have children she thinks will my cancer come back and can I beat it.

When your body does not feel right?  Is it because of what you ate or is it because you don’t have a gall bladder?  Is the Cancer coming back?  Is it a different form of Cancer?  Or is it the chemo still in your body that makes you feel this way?  Can it be the flu?  Am I worrying too much?  Am I over thinking?  If I go to the doctor can they do a blood test?  Do I want the results?  I don’t’ want to talk about it?  I don’t like thinking about it?  But last year, last year?  Those questions I hate.  And when your daughter asks you, I must say you can feel your heart break just a little bit.  Life is a journey…

I do feel better after getting a little bit off my mind, Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you All.  We all have a story and when you share them you always have the chance to help or change someone.