June 2015

Sorry, it’s been awhile…

Written on Thursday, June 11th @ 11:30pm

It has been a struggle for me to write. I have been extremely busy and then when I find sometime to write I become depressed. Just the thought of reliving the memories and what we have gone through is heart breaking. But sitting here on this dark rainy night in my living room, I know if I write I will feel better. Rod is making a yummy snack for all of us, Cassidy is continuing to write her Thank You letters from her recent high school graduation party, Courtney is doing homework and Calvin he just lays at my feet…yep it is a good night to update you all.

Where I left off…Crystal did meet with the fertility doctor in Rochester. His name was Gaurang Daftary, M.D. and he was a blessing that day. He made us smile, he made us laugh, he was personable, funny, kind and willing to help Crystal. However, she would need to start that day, if Crystal was ready to begin this journey.

After the two hour appointment with the doctor, which I believe God had him be our gift for the day, Crystal stated she would like to wait. She smiled and said, “I am happy that I came here today. I feel if it is meant to be, it will happen but for now I need to focus on myself. I feel good about my decision.” When she then turned to me and said, “Mom, What do you think?” I stated, it was her decision. She is 23 and it is her life’s desires, her future. I didn’t want to influence her thoughts. As she comes right back with a quick remark, “Mom, I told you my thoughts and I want to hear yours”. I smiled and said I have to agree. Focus on the moment, God will do the rest.

As we drove home we chatted about the doctor. How it would be great to see him again and how he made us both feel so very special. I have to admit sitting in that office you can’t help but tear up when you are going over things that are life changing. I tried hard to stay strong for Crystal but sometimes you just can’t help it. Listening to her talk about her future and the quality of life she has left can break a mothers heart and then Dr. Gaurand Daftary looks at me, the tears are running down my face and he says…”Oh Mom, you gave a birth to a hero. Not very many moms can say that.” He is right! My Crystal is a SuperHero! And I am so very lucky to call her my daughter.

Getting home we don’t have much time to think, we have so much to do before leaving for Vegas! And when we leave Cancer & Chemo will stay back in Iowa. No talking of it, No thinking about it, just living life. Living life to the fullest. Leaving the worry back home in Iowa but honestly it was difficult to do but when you surround yourself with a group of fun loving positive women, you are bound to have a great time and that we did! Crystal had the time of her life, hard not to when you are treated like Royalty. As I told my team on this Spirits Trip the one thing I do know in life is…kindness will take you far.

It was hard to come back to Iowa…back to Reality. Between doctors appointments for Crystal and her dad, enjoying Cassidy’s Graduation Day and getting Cassidy’s Graduation Party done with. Plus all of the other graduation parties you are invited to and then staying focused on the Spirits Show at the dance studio, I found that keeping busy helped me not think about what is going on. Which I guess is a good thing.
Crystal’s doctors visit at Mercy Hall Perrine Cancer Center was hard for me. It was hard for her. The last time we were there it was when I was giving a lecture on Melanoma. The use of a tanning bed. Interesting enough I have learned that three women who listen to me speak have not tanned since. Now, if I could get my daughter Courtney to listen.

Anyway, as we get into the elevator, we are both quiet, the ride up to third floor I could feel the mood changing. Here we go again…Deep breath. Everything seemed the same, just like we left it in 2013. We remembered everyone and they remembered her. Dr. Wilbur was wonderful. Crystal made it very clear that she wanted to start her Chemo on Monday, May 25th, Memorial Day. The same day she started Chemo in 2013, Dr. Wilbur said okay, but no later.

Well, I am proud to say she has done her first round. It was a struggle here this last week but she did it. I think today was even a better day for her.

What I can tell you about Crystal, is she doesn’t look sick. She takes so many pills with this Chemo but doesn’t complain. She still tries her hardest to workout everyday, she puts a smile on and continues to go to the dance studio and keep up. But let me tell you, when you have not seen your daughter for a day and she comes into work, you take that moment to smile at her and when she smiles back at you, the look in her eyes, that is when it gets you. You can see in her eyes how sick she is. Monday & Tuesday were very hard for me. You can see she is sick but still trying to hang on. Thank you to the parents in the dance studio who see it. I know you don’t know what to say but your smile, your hugs, the fact that you still have hope with us, means the world. Again, Thank You.

Crystal’s next round of Chemo will begin Monday, June 22nd. It actually works out great. She will be able to do what she loves on Saturday, June 20th at the Spirit Show and not be sick on Chemo. It is a blessing. If you would like to come to the show you can visit www.crspirits.com

Thank you for all of your messages, I have not forgot you. You are the ones that are praying, you are the ones that help bring awareness it’s just lately it has been hard to write. It makes me sad, it makes me bitter. It was hard to write this update this evening, I didn’t want to get into to much detail of everything that is going on but to let you know where she is at. Thinking of everything, I can feel my heart race, feel the anxiety as I type, then the emotions come in. I realize I did what I said I was going to do tonight and now it is time for sleep…No sleep makes it 10x worse. Good Night to you all…

 

 

Crystal is in the middle of her 2nd round of Chemo…

Written on Sunday, June 28th @ 1:30pm 

Happy Sunday! I can’t believe June is almost over. It has been so busy that sometimes you forget to slow down and enjoy.

As I reflect, here are some memorable things we have enjoyed since the last time I posted…

Crystal, the CR Spirits and I had the opportunity to meet Dick Vitale again this year. Thank you to Craig and JoEllen Mettille, owners of The 380 Companies who bring The V Foundation here to Iowa. Dick Vitale is so passionate about raising money for Cancer Research. His stories make you cry. You cry because they are truthful, yet you listen to him speak and try your hardest to find hope. You do your best to not compare your daughters story with someone else’s outcome and honestly, it can be very difficult to do.

This year Crystal received a $10,000 grant in her name, for her charity of choice from Dick Vitale and The V Foundation. What a beautiful gift. It made Crystal’s night. Thank You.

Next, we learned Crystal’s Cancer Ribbon Color.

When I go speak at events, I will sometimes start off by the color purple.
How purple is my birthstone color. Purple is the color of royalty.
As I grew older, I learned that purple represented Alzheimer’s. Something that has always concerned me. I think because I am very forgetful of my past which scares me.
Then as time went on, someone very dear to me was in an abusive relationship. She actually is lucky to be with us today. And that is when I learned that purple was for Domestic Abuse.
Next, on March 27th, 2013 is when I learned that Crystal was fighting Pancreatic Cancer. The ribbon color is purple. I must admit that color has changed my life.

But then I met a woman, Nancy, who’s son is fighting a similar form of Cancer that Crystal is fighting. She meets me through my Caring Bridge page. Although her son is older than Crystal we still feel the hurt the same way. I learn that everyone grieves and gets strength in different ways. Nancy is more private and she gets her strength, her hope by reading every doctor’s book. Learning and knowing everything about the Cancer. That is very different than the way I heal and find hope. I am a people person and trying to read what Crystal has makes me very sad and depressed. So I just write about Crystal’s Journey through my eyes, which helps me and I have learned that it has helped others. Bringing awareness is really what matters. So together Nancy and I make a wonderful team.

Nancy is the one that brought up Crystal’s Cancer Ribbon Color which is ZEBRA! She told us the story of why it is Zebra. You could hear her passion in her voice, you could tell she had read everything. It was wonderful to meet another mom looking for hope in her way and sharing it with us gave us hope.

If you are interested in learning more go to: www.netcancerday.org I absolutely love the Facebook page. It is very informative.
Crystal has a form of Pancreatic Cancer, PNETS (Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumors). It is what Steve Jobs, with Apple had.

Funny when we were in Vegas and there is a place called the Purple Zebra. Crystal bought her sisters many gifts from there. Purple Zebra is her new thing…

We then got through our Spirit Show! I must tell you she lights up on Stage. Putting that Show on was a difficult one but thinking of her being on that Stage and forgetting the Cancer for a night was worth it. Thank you all that attended the event. Crystal will never forget.

But that morning before the Spirit Show, Crystal Marie got engaged! Yep, she is getting married. She was on Cloud 9. Whatever would go wrong that night at the Spirit Show really didn’t matter, she was getting married!

I wrote this on March 12th, 2014…

Another emotion that hit this week, my niece, Amy walks into the Studio with a smile on her face. She looks good in love, she is newly engaged, she is handing out her daughter’s1st birthday invitations and she just got done performing in the Spirit Show which was a dream of hers.  To top it off Amy is expecting her 2nd little one.  Amy is glowing; her life is good, she’s on top of the world, she knows her purpose. How lucky to have that feeling in your life at least once.  But I see Crystal staring at Amy; she didn’t take her eyes off of her.  I could see pain in Crystal’s eyes when I asked, “Why do you keep staring at Amy?”  She broke down.  It was heart breaking.  We will never know how Crystal feels.  Instead of thinking if she will marry and have children she thinks will my cancer come back and can I beat it.

And now look, June 2015 my daughter is engaged! Yes, her Cancer is Back but she is getting Married! See we do not know our journey. We just have to embrace. Everything life throws at us…It is how we handle it. We have to find the good. We have to find the blessing!

Fun fact: Last years Spirit Show two Professional Dance Team members got engaged after the show. This year, my daughter got engaged before the Spirit Show…Hmmm something in the air about the Spirit Show! lol

Now for the details that a lot of you are asking about…

Gage is a gift to our family. He brings joy to Crystal. Gage is picked on terribly by Crystal’s sisters, which tells you that they already think of him as family plus he is very respectful to Rod and I.

Crystal dearly enjoys his family. That was one thing that was very important to her. To find a man who was respectful to his own family and would embrace her family like it was his own.

He did ask Rod for his blessing a week prior. And wanted to ask Crystal for her hand in marriage before the next round of chemo was to begin. However, her ring finger is so small it took a while to get it sized.

He surprised her the morning of June 20th, with a walk through Lake McBride before a surprise breakfast with close family and friends. There was a photographer hiding at the lake and took many photos of the event while it was happening. I can’t wait to see those photos.

Gage is kind, thoughtful and a planner. He works hard and has a big heart. He has manners and that is hard to find these days. He is very fortunate to have a loving family who supports him and has embraced Crystal. Gage fell in love with Crystal while she was going through Chemo the first time, August of 2013. He was willing to open his heart with a girl that was very sick. He has not missed a doctors appointment with her and takes his work vacation off around her appointments. They are in love and as much as I want to thank him for loving my daughter, thank his family for raising a kind boy…I stop and think, my daughter, she is a pretty great catch too.

The wedding plans begin…

Her next doctors appointment is Thursday, July 16th at Mayo. We will learn what the next steps are. At this time we will take some prayers on giving her strength through this next round of chemo…