December

Happy Holidays!

Written December 27th @ 7:55pm

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Hopefully you all had a very Merry Christmas and are excited about the New Year.  I hope your Christmas brought you beautiful memories, smiles and laughter.  I enjoyed this Christmas, it seemed more relaxed.  Or I should say my priorities changed because when something drastic happens in your life, it helps you remember what life is truly about, so maybe that kept me relaxed.

Santa did come to our home, which brought much laughter.  We are very blessed.  Our families, friends, face book friends and complete strangers have reached out to us this last year, Thank You.  You are a gift to us, to my family and it means so much to me I can’t tell you.  I’ve been reminded that prayer is important, that God is with us which is a lot better way to look at life than feeling like you are all alone.

I will say we are all ready for 2014!

We are still waiting to see the Mercy Touch Magazine, I know it was in the printing process and should be out very soon.  We can’t wait.  We hope you all enjoy it.

Yes, we got beautiful news on December 4^th.  A gift, a miracle but I must say the last couple of weeks have been a difficult one.  I think Crystal has finally had time to stop and think about what she has been fighting for the last 12 months.

That first week after that news was the hardest.  The dance team was even taking back on the following Wednesday night practice.  They had never seen her break down and cry like that.  Crystal wasn’t crying because she was sad she was crying because she was mad.  She yelled, “It’s not fair!  This is not fair!  I have to fight this for the rest of my life”.  And here we got good news, but the reality is, the fight is not over it’s just on a break.

We left the dance room after 3 hours of practice and went to my office.  She sat in my lap, just like she did when she was little and cried her eyes out, her head buried into my neck.  I was strong but I remember thinking I thought we were done for awhile.  I didn’t realize that this journey is now on the emotional part of the ride.

As the team had continued with practice, God gave me strength not to break down and stay strong for her, her sister Courtney and the team that was there that night.  I held back the tears as I watched the team hug Crystal goodbye after the long practice. What a roller coaster of emotions.

You know this coming January it will be a year when the symptoms had started for Crystal.  The cold weather, the body feeling tired I am sure is reminder and probably makes her question if it is coming back when she begins to feel like that on certain days.

You go through so many emotions; the shock of getting the news, learning how you will treat it, meeting doctors, and doctors and more doctors, test, and tests and more tests.  Listening to everyone give you advice, taking care of the other family members in the household, remembering that life goes on, and then you take a moment and try to listen to your heart on which way to go.

You go through feeling sick, watching someone you love become weak and try to fight it with a positive attitude, you find yourself becoming an advocate for the one you love from the hospital to the insurance company.  It is exhausting.  It is a full time job.

The emotions and work from all of the fundraisers to help with costs, to the feelings of being overwhelmed with guilt yet feeling so loved from others, from complete strangers.  The scam artist that try to take a piece of a sad situation, from finding new relationships that help you along the way, the old relationships that have blossomed again and learning of the ones that are there for the wrong reasons.

It is sad; there is not much to say.  You put a smile on your face to help others feel better which in return makes you feel better.

Now the roller coaster of emotions of good news and everyone thinking you should be happy but yet deep down inside it’s hard to let go.  Crystal is ready to talk to someone and will be doing that the first of the year plus she will be going back to school.  Yes, life goes on.  It’s all on how you deal with it.

It is a journey…however we all have a story and everybody’s story counts.  What is your story?  What are you put on earth to do?  What differences are you suppose to make?  Or help?

We are blessed….

Written December 5th @ 11:40pm

Well…to the ones that don’t have face book.  Your prayers, our prayers have been answered!

Everyone wanted to go to this appointment but I also wanted the visit to be simple not like we were expecting bad news.

And when I asked Crystal if she were to get news that she didn’t want to hear, who would she want there?  Crystal said, “Well, I don’t want to see everyone cry.  I wouldn’t want to talk about it with everyone, so really mom, just Gage, Dad and you.”

My mother and I already felt that we knew what Crystal would want but I wanted Crystal to really have the final say and put some thought into it.

Before I left, I couldn’t concentrate.  I wrote a quick thought in her journal and decided to make sure I post that we need prayers on face book and twitter.  I thought to myself, if prayer warriors really do work?  Because I swear they did in April when she had surgery.  Why not ask for them again?  If prayer is so powerful that some people can feel it, why not give it a try again.  And why not talk about it?  I would rather believe in something happy and positive.  Then be depressed and negative.  And after many many messages from all of you I knew this journey was going to be meaningful one way or another.

As we drove to the Mayo Clinic the fog was pretty rough but as we continued to drive it seemed to get better or maybe we just got used to it.  Gage actually drove us there, so it was wonderful to sit back and listen to the music, chat or play with your phone.

We really just went to dinner and off to bed.  Sure we were all thinking about things but we kept the conversation light and fun.

The Mayo Clinic is a wonderful place.  It is so very organized.  The staff is kind and professional, I am sure they see it all there.  Our appointments are on time and run smooth which helps when your emotions are running high.

So when we got to meet with Dr. Que, Crystal’s Surgeon.  I think we were so scared we couldn’t even talk.  When I look at her I see a woman who is strong and has the highest respect from her peers.  To me she is a gift from God.  She is the one that helped save my daughter’s life.  She used the gift God gave her and removed those tumors with those very talented hands.

I think we were shaking inside but trying to act like we got this.  When Dr. Que said nothing has changed from the last MRI, it was like we could all breathe again.  She had us look at the MRI with her.  She did point out two spots in her liver that they are not sure what they are?  They could be scar tissue?  So they will need to keep an eye on those but they don’t feel there is anything to be alarmed with at this time.

We also learned that there will be no other reason to see Dr. Que again unless Crystal was to get bad news in her future.  So this was our last time to see her.  You have no idea how bad I wanted to ask her for a photo with my daughter but I chickened out, can you believe that?  I was nervous to ask her.

Anyway as we left that appointment the guys were so happy and we girls kept thinking about the two spots in the liver.  What in the heck are those?  Why didn’t they say something last time about them? Well, off to the last appointment.

This appointment was with Dr. Rubin, Crystal’s Oncology Doctor.  He was of course extremely polite.  We were a little chattier with him and asked questions.  He will be the doctor Crystal will see every time we go back.

After meeting with Crystal, looking her over, looking over her tests and visiting with Dr. Que about Crystal.  Dr. Rubin has decided NO Chemo for 6 months!  And get this; her next appointment is in 6 months!  We were in shock!  Complete Shock!  We were told that Crystal would probably have to go to Mayo every three months for the rest of her life and now look.  This young girl diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Insulinoma Stage 4 is in remission.  They told her she looks great!  We were all so very happy, so very thankful, so very blessed!

Today was a new day for Crystal.  She is ready to get her life in order.  Sure we are going to go on this ride again probably in May/June but for now we live!  We live each day at a time, with a smile.  Why a smile, because smiles help others through their day too.

Also on another note, it was strange to see Crystal share this part of her life with someone else other than her family.  Gage sat next to her, listened and had questions too.  I could see how he treated her and how they gave each other hope.  Love, love is such a gift.  Some never experience it; some find unhealthy love and hang onto it forever, others are never happy and always looking for better love.  As a mother, it is a gift to see your daughter grow, to see her happy, to see how love can be just as powerful.

God Bless you All…I know he blessed the Kuehl Family.  Happy Holidays!

I am fine….

Written December 3rd @ 4pm

I never dreamed I would be writing so soon but I think I need a little time to get things off my chest.

Starting at 6am tomorrow morning, in Rochester, MN Crystal will begin her doctor visits.

What a roller coaster of emotions we are all going through at this time.  I know that this appointment brings worry but didn’t realize how upsetting it can be, for everyone.

After dance last night, tears began with Crystal.  I mean I know she has been worried and she tries to keep those thoughts in the back of her mind, but it did catch up with her.  Kaitlin and I were taken back; there were so many tears and a big hug.  It came out of nowhere, like she was holding it all in for months.

After Kaitlin had left work, Crystal began to tear up again.  She kept saying it’s not fair, it’s just not fair.  It broke my heart.  What do you say to that?  I am just as scared.  It’s almost like I am watching my life go by and constantly thinking of how I am going to handle the next situation.

When I arrived at home and explained the evening to Rod…I could see in his eyes his heart breaking.  He became quiet and downstairs he went.  As I tried to pull myself together, with the what ifs, what would be the worst case and how do we go from there?…I thought to myself, no more worries, God knows the next step, so for now go to sleep.  When you cry a lot, you sleep pretty good I must say.

So I wake to a gloomy day and try to think of the positives in our lives.  See when people ask you daily how you are doing…You say, “We are hanging in there.  We are doing well.  Crystal looks great!”  If you ask Crystal, she responds with a smile, “I am doing fine”.

It is such a different way to live than it was a year ago.

I have learned that Cassidy googled Pancreatic Cancer…That is a big NO NO.  She asked what Stage Crystal was in and when I told her Stage 4, her face dropped.  She said, “Mom, don’t google it!”  I had already learned that lesson; Cassidy had to learn the hard way.

I sure would take some prayers for my daughter, my kind hearted daughter, who loves life.  I want to feel that strength again, I kind of feel like I am losing that feeling and it scares me.

I did a short video of photos from my cell phone over the past season with the Professional Team.  It really shows Crystal’s Life in this last year, it brought me to tears. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg5GdutoYZI

It’s time for me to get ready to leave….Thank you all in advance for your prayers.  Courtney good luck on your finals and Cassidy I know you wanted to go but I promise, you girls will be the first to know anything.