And the journey continues…

Written 2/24/15 @ 3:00pm

Hopefully you all had a very Merry Christmas, a wonderful New Year’s and a Valentine’s Day full of love.

It’s been awhile since I wrote about Crystal’s Story. I have been hearing from a few of you recently and thought I would write to give you a little update.

Our Christmas and New Year’s went smooth. We were blessed to all be together. This year Crystal, Courtney and Cassidy bought gifts for everyone in our small family. It was cute to see the gift ideas the girls came up with for each family member. They put lots of thought into their gifts, it made everyone smile. Oh how they are getting older…

As for New Year’s, Crystal and I danced our heart out, at the Riverside Casino. What a fun night! What a night of memories, a great way to ring in 2015. To some of you that missed it…there is always the Spirit Show in June:)

After the holidays it got a little crazy at our house and honestly it still is a little crazy.

On January 7th, Rod broke his ankle. During that time Courtney came down with strep throat. A week later, actually the day of Rod’s surgery for his ankle, Cassidy became very ill. Oh and we can’t forget Courtney had a little car accident in there too…No worries Courtney is okay but the car needed some work. Needless to say it’s February 25th and we are hoping Cassidy will get better soon. I received a call today that she will need to do a few more tests. Courtney is doing great and Rod is wanting to get back to normal but it takes time…And our deductible for our health insurance has already been met this year…lol.

I sound like I am all smiles but in reality, I am exhausted and some days frustrated, bitter would also be a good word to use on a few days. Cassidy sure has had some struggles with sickness the last couple of years and as a parent it is tiring. You just want everyone healthy, happy and positive.

With Rod’s ankle it sure makes you think of others that can’t walk or will never walk. What we take for granted. Just to drive, to take a shower, it’s amazing and it makes your heart hurt when you see other’s that are handicap and then you don’t see them complaining. My eyes sure have been open the last couple of years…Oh the journey we are all on as individuals and what do we learn from it? Do we create something good and help others when we are going through it? I hope so because thinking that way brings peace to mind.

Now onto Crystal…For the holidays, her boyfriend Gage got her a kitten. Her name is Storm, she is a cutie but seriously has an attitude. Storm has brought many smiles to Crystal and Gage. She is spoiled, she is loved and I am thrilled that my daughter has something that makes her happy. That she has a new addition to her family that loves her unconditionally, well on Storm’s terms of course.

Crystal has been doing good except for the last couple of weeks. Like I have said before it is emotional ride and when you are sick there are other things you worry about. Abdominal pain can be scary when you are not sure what causes it and it lasts more than a week. Then a history of Pancreatic Cancer, such ride of emotions and tears. This week she is battling a terrible cold but she is drinking her tea and resting as much as possible, well as much as she will let herself.

She has been a helpful caretaker to her dad, sisters and even her mother. She probably doesn’t realize how much her positive attitude helps me through my day. And when she thinks something is not right, or someone is not being treated right she will speak her mind. I am so proud of the woman she is today. It is a privilege to be her mother.

We received our phone call today, Crystal’s next appointment is April 16th. Yes, prayers would be so very welcomed. Thank You in advance. When we get closer to her day…I will be keeping more in touch.

On another little note, the CR Spirits were asked to perform for the University of Iowa Dance Marathon in Iowa City. It raised $2,001,856.21 for Childhood Cancer Research. They wanted me to share Crystal’s Story. You bet I would share it…anything to make people aware, to bring attention to Cancer. I must admit, it was a very hard speech. To see college kids crying while I spoke brought many tears to myself, my daughters and my team. Telling the story out loud like I have told many times you would think would get easier but really you find yourself almost more emotional because you can’t believe you lived it or that you are still living it. I believe I need to be putting on a Pancreatic Cancer Fundraiser…a silent killer, we need more research. Hmmm I am thinking this summer. I think we could do some good there.

I hope Crystal’s Story has helped you or someone you love the past couple of years. I know sharing her story with you all has helped me. Thank You.

Thank You, Thank You…

Written December 7th @ 9:45am

Another wonderful blessing the Kuehl Family received, Crystal is Cancer Free! We are going to have a wonderful holiday!

This 3 month check-up was extremely hard for Crystal. See even though the appointments are three months apart…the nerves and the build up begins about three weeks before the visit.

Crystal had said, “Mom, I think this is the worse one for me. I can’t sleep, I seem to have anxiety over it. I just want to know if it is there, if it is back and if I can beat it again. I feel sick and all I want to do is cry.” But like I explained to Crystal, none of us know our journey. And honestly would you really want to? I wouldn’t want to know when my last day is…or would I? Scary just to think about it. Crystal’s thought process for a 22 year old is very different than most.

Crystal was not feeling the greatest before this 3 month check either. Her lymph nodes were enlarged by her ears which always makes you start wondering. Trying to leave the worry in God’s hands can be very difficult and exhausting. And when you go to the doctors to get checked, you are comforted to the best they can. But hearing from the doctor that you are a miracle and this cancer is not curable, can make you just completely depressed and leaving you wanting to go back to bed.

We left that appointment on that Wednesday afternoon, Anna on the Professional Team was celebrating her 21st birthday. As we were driving to the studio, I looked over at Crystal, I could tell she was sad, I said, “Crystal it’s going to be alright.” Her chin wrinkled up and the tears began. It was so heartbreaking. It was devastating. I really didn’t even know what to say.

All Crystal wanted to do was go home. As a mom, I knew going home she would just dwell on it, I asked her to stay at the studio. Enjoy practice, a good workout, the team and Anna’s birthday. I must say it was the best form of medicine and I am so happy she stayed.

A lot of you wonder how you keep so positive. Well, in a strange way it’s almost like I am just numb to it. Like it’s not really happening. You push forward by not thinking about it. It’s like the moment it comes into your head, you immediately think of something else, so you don’t have to think about it. I can’t even explain, maybe it’s a defense mechanism.

Like we promised Crystal, we would go Rochester, MN a day early. You could tell Crystal was very happy about that. She was in a better mood, more relaxed and seem to embrace the next morning with more ease then trying to leave at 3am like we usually do.

Her blood work tests started at 6:00am. After her morning of tests, we got some breakfast and decided to head back to our hotel room to take a nap. Perfect idea but about 45 minutes into it. Crystal’s phone rings and it was Mayo, they would like to see her at 1pm, Oh goodness that is much earlier than scheduled and so the mind begins to wonder. Is it a good thing or bad thing?

As we walked to the appointment I was behind Crystal and Gage. I took a photo of them both walking. What you didn’t see was the hand holding, the smiles they gave each other, the bumping into each other which made them giggle. And all I could think was in about 20 minutes our lives could all drastically change.

Sitting in that waiting room, it seemed very warm. Crystal’s name was called so fast. Walking into the doctors office, it seems so quiet, so still and we wait again. When the door opens you jump. Here comes Dr. Ruben, Crystal’s oncology doctor who is retiring at the end of December. What news does he have? Does he look happy? Is he going to tell us something good?

He has great news…her blood work looks great and there is no signs of anything new in her scans! I cannot begin to tell you the emotion. I can’t even describe it. You feel so happy, lucky, blessed and very thankful. You want to tell everybody….

What I can tell you is that the next day, with work & some of us having school Rod, Cassidy, Courtney, Crystal and I all overslept. None of us could even hear the alarms…I guess none of us have been sleeping very good. Sometimes you don’t even realize you are that stressed.

Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for your kind words, prayers, gifts and taking time to share your stories with me. I am grateful. I am thankful.

Dr. Ruben, Thank You for everything you have done for my daughter. Cheers to your new journey and we will never forget you.

Quote for the day: The Best is yet to Come. Don’t allow your life to become Dull. Keep dreaming, hoping & Planning. ~ Joel Osteen

Take a moment and breathe…

Written November 5th @ 1:00pm

Can you believe we are in November? Yesterday Crystal and I had to do a few errands in the mall. Yes, my studio is located in Lindale Mall but when you are there all the time sometimes you don’t notice things. Like Von Maur has there beautiful Christmas stuff up, so does Express and the Christmas music is already playing in the mall. We smiled but then we said can’t we enjoy the leaves and fall until Thanksgiving? Shocking how fast time flies. I can’t believe that it has already been a couple of months since I last did a post. Hmmm let’s reflect…

Crystal and our family is doing good. Sure the emotions can get to you but then you remind yourself that things are good right now.

So many people reach out to talk about their stories. You listen, you find yourself reflecting on want you have gone through and sometimes it’s hard not to cry. You even find yourself in shock that you have lived through that. As they continue with their story, which lately seems to not have very good endings, you are thankful that they feel they can reach out to you. Even though your heart is aching.

Shortly after Crystal’s Mayo Appointment, she became very sad even with her good news. Crystal finally made the choice to see her counselor. I was so happy. She asked me to take her and when she came out of the office she smiled and said, “I am going to see her again two weeks before my next Mayo Appointment. And mom she said it’s normal to have these feelings and actually with everything I have gone through, she said she would be worried if I didn’t have these feelings.” Oh just to have her have someone else talk to in a strange way takes a little weight off of your shoulders.

Some exciting news for Crystal & her boyfriend Gage. They have moved into a Condo together. There own little place. I must say that has put a smile on both of their faces. And as a mother I am so thankful that I get to see that. Of course my daughter is my life but oh goodness did God Bless her with Gage.

On another note with Halloween just passing, I have learned that Crystal does not care for this day?!#*!# What? I never knew that. We have always decorated our home crazy except for the last couple of years. The girls dressed every year to the point they were getting to old to do it. Plus Spirit Staff dresses for the week. So I am thinking it is because now she is an adult? She has to not only buy her costume but figure it out and do it herself. lol Anyway, hopefully you all had a safe Halloween.

Okay, the next big question I have been getting is…how do I feel about the woman who took her life because of Cancer? Well, it is a sad story. It is not my story. I embrace it, I can feel it, I understand it and I send prayers to her family and friends that are affected by it. That is it. I do not judge and no matter what, the story is sad. With my other thoughts, the 22 year old that was taken and they can not find her. Is heart wrenching as well. Listening to her father speak, you can feel his heart hurting…I would never ever want that feeling. To have your child being abducted at any age, I cannot imagine it, the pain I couldn’t describe it. That is when I say I am thankful for what I have. My daughter maybe fighting Pancreatic Cancer but I know where she is. So there are sad stories everywhere, who’s is more important? Everyone has a story, it’s how you handle it. It is your character and we are not to judge.

Now, we know a lot of you pray for Crystal daily. Thank you. And if we can all come together on December 4th hopefully we will get good news two times in a row! 6:00am on the 4th is Crystal’s next big appointment.

Thanksgiving is coming right around the corner. What are you thankful for? When you say, I am thankful for my journey, my choices, my life, whether it hurt or made you smile, it makes you feel better. It makes you feel stronger. Try it….

Great News…

Written September 7th @ 8:10am

Happy Sunday Morning,

I am sorry it has taken me a few days to update Crystal’s Story. I did put her update out there on FaceBook and sometimes I do forget that there are many people who do not do that type of social media. I needed a few days to enjoy the news and not talk about it but I have received your emails of concern through her website and caring bridge, we are so blessed that so many have reached out.

Here is the news…She is Cancer Free! No Chemo at this time! They found no new tumors! We get to live the next 3 months with a smile on our faces. We are extremely happy. Your prayers, your positive thoughts our working. Thank You.

I can tell you that a couple of weeks before Crystal’s appointment the worry set in. The mind begins to wonder. It’s hard to stay focused and it’s hard to get out of bed. Crystal was not the only one with that feeling but somehow, someway you push through it.

I had asked Crystal how she was feeling. In her words, “ I feel fine mom but I felt fine last time and I wasn’t. Mom, I don’t know if I can do that Liver Ablation again. It was so hard but I guess if I have to.” I agreed with Crystal. We will always fight. We have to. But in the back of my mind I was thinking honey, I hope that if it does come back, that we have the option to do it. Because see sometimes when the Cancer comes back there is nothing they can do. That is why Cancer Research is so very important.

A lot of you have asked me, “How do you not think about it?” Actually, I think you always do but personally, I try to ignore it. I try everything in my power to think of something else. I am always doing something or planning something. I try daily to give the worry to God. To the ones that don’t believe in him, I don’t judge but goodness it sure makes you feel better when you feel like you can give it to someone else. And trust me, that takes work somedays.

As for the appointments go on that September 3rd day, it was very nerve racking. However, I love the Mayo Clinic. I love how organized, professional and kind everyone is. But when you are there it is so hard to not walk around and think back to the feelings you had when you were there previously, it can make you so sad. An example would be as simple as the waiting room when we first were at Mayo and learning more about her Cancer. The waiting rooms are large and they are so quiet. They have magazine, puzzles and a few computers. I remember feeling overwhelmed and didn’t know how to reach out to everyone that was contacting me so I sat at a computer in the waiting room and started her caring bridge page. I remember the tears just ran down my face.

On this visit, I saw the computer and couldn’t look at it. I would stare in the waiting room, thinking about everyone else’s journey in that room and being Thankful that Crystal was right next to me. Being Thankful that I knew where my daughters were at that moment. That I would take this Cancer over my daughters being abducted any day. The things you worry about as a parent never ends.

I remember my leg was shaking. I couldn’t stop it. I just wanted the answers now. Crystal was smiling yet we all were very quiet. When her name was called to go back into the doctors office your heart races faster. We all get into this little room and sit right on the couch, just like 4 peas in a pod, Crystal, Gage, Rod and I. We wait just a few minutes more.

The door opens, your heart jumps, you begin to sweat, you don’t even know if you are breathing and then the tall doctor walks in, Dr. Rubin. And without making us wait anymore, he tells us the good news. We smile, we laugh, we begin to talk….Life is good.

Dr. Rubin says at this time we will see you in December.

As I drove home and everyone was sound asleep in the car, I found myself thinking what will happen in December before the Holidays…And then I thought I need to enjoy the present. The news we just got. This moment. So, I turned the music up and began to think of dance.

I am staring out my kitchen window at this moment, I reflect on how beautiful the weather was yesterday, what will it be like today? Enjoy your week and Thank You for touching my life.

You don’t feel that way because you had Cancer…

Written on July 30th @4:05pm

Happy Hump Day Everyone…

I took some time off not to write for a bit. Kind of tried to get back to normal, the new normal, but I have not forgotten about all of you and the worries and questions you might have….

Today is a new day. Crystal is doing great!

The last time I updated I was talking about Crystal’s Liver Ablation and how she was doing right after surgery, here is a little more info after that day…

A few days after Crystal’s procedure the pain set in, she was struggling with breathing, just trying to catch her breath, besides just moving around was very difficult for her. She was not able to come to work and I knew she was scared when she was on the phone calling Mayo not once but twice.

First we thought that she had overdone it right after surgery but we learned that this procedure is like that. You feel good right away, you feel like you will be just fine and then it sets in.

It was a rough week. It was so hard to be strong and to keep that fighting Spirit with the worry of; Is this what she will go through every time, what all of us emotionally will be going through, every time?

It’s so hard to watch your daughter go through so much pain and worry. I want to take all the pain away for her. I wish it was me. She is so tough. I know her story has touched and open the eyes of many but I want things back to normal.

As Crystal slowly gained her strength back, we focused on the studio. We focused on positive goals for next year for the Spirits. We also had a fun family vacation to Canada coming up so those things keep you going.

That I think has helped. Staying focused can be difficult unless you have a goal that you set, an adventure you know is coming up that keeps you excited. That is the best part about moving forward.

Even though sad things come up, things that leave your heart hurting terribly, you notice that life just keeps going on all around you.

This morning was a little difficult for Crystal but after a 45 minute phone call, she pushed through. I do not know what it feels like to be in her shoes but I do know some of her worry and things she says is like every girl/woman out there. It’s life. And reassuring Crystal that she does not feel like that because she had cancer or is a cancer survivor is important to me.

I have explained to Crystal that we say life is roller coaster not because of cancer, but because of everything around us. The ride is constantly changing from every circumstance that comes up with family, friends, health, school, careers, death, marriage, children, divorce…all of that is a journey, so you have to learn to move forward on this path. And to find the good, the positive in it, actually helping someone else through it really ends up helping you.

Can I tell you as mother you feel like you are babbling on and on. You even question yourself on what you are saying but when you here the words, “Thanks Mom, I needed to hear that.” It fills your heart. And then when you see her and out of the blue she runs up and hugs you and Thanks you again, you find yourself Thanking God for giving me my own life story and struggles so I can help her through hers.

Crystal is beautiful, she is kind hearted, she listens, and she is smart. Crystal lives life to the fullest, she has beat cancer twice, she has a story and what is amazing is I learn from her story every day. But Crystal does worry, Crystal is scared and I am so thankful that when she has those days God has given me wisdom to help her answer her questions.

As for Crystal’s family goes…it’s been a busy summer. Lots of fun memories have been made. Courtney is getting ready to go back to College and hopefully Iowa in the spring. Cassidy is getting ready to take her Senior Pictures and hoping her school starts off way better than last year. Rod is very busy with work and is celebrating a birthday next month. I am sure a lot of you do not know but Rod is a twin.

We all have a purpose in life and I do believe helping others through a difficult time and realizing that you made a difference to that person is an incredible feeling, one that we should all feel.

Also, Crystal’s Next Big Appointment is September 3rd at Mayo!  Chat with you all next month….

She Beat Cancer Again!

Written June 7th @ 7:00pm

We left early Thursday morning. Crystal and I chatted about life on the ride to Mayo. About half way up we decided to practice our routines in our head as we drove, so the music was turned up. We did miss our turn to Rochester which made us laugh.

Driving to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN from Fairfax, IA is actually a very nice drive. It’s easy and seems to go by fast or maybe it’s because your mind is preoccupied with so many thoughts that could be life changing. We are so blessed that it takes less than three and half hours to get to this miracle place.

Crystal had some appointments that afternoon. However, the Ultrasound Appointment took a lot longer than we expected. As Crystal lay on the bed I stayed close by, rubbing her legs. Ultrasounds don’t hurt. However, when they are looking for something and struggling to find it, they sure have to push down hard, which Crystal thought her ribs would break. Laying on her side, taking deep breaths for the radiologists I watched her eyes. They would blink and then stare off…I wondered what she was thinking.

But then I found myself watching the radiologists. He was blonde, funny, personable and polite. He kept going over the same spots on her trying to get the best image of what they are looking for. He got up, at least three times and went over to the computer that had her liver image from the MRI.

Everything looks the same to me, so honestly I couldn’t make anything out. However, I started getting a sick feeling. I started thinking what if there are more? What if her liver is full? See the technology they have today is amazing. It is unbelievable what they can do yet the bottom line is sometimes MRI’s, Ultrasounds, Scans don’t show everything so really you never know. So you think you are here for one tumor but what if…the tears rolled down my face. Then I am here with Crystal alone. Rod, Gage and the rest of the family are coming later. We preach to think positive, focus on the future, to be hopeful and to enjoy life no matter what cards you are dealt. Just writing all of that can be exhausting, now try living it. And then if they give us bad news, I have a feeling I will not handle it, she needs other support and mine will not cut it this time. Then I realize I am worrying about stuff that has not even happened. I take a deep breath.

After a good 35 minutes, the radiologist left to get the doctor.

In walks a young doctor, with a big smile. He is energetic and intrigued with Crystal’s Story. He immediately begins explaining that he is concerned with a something that he sees in the image with the MRI and is determined to find it in this Ultrasound. We learn that he is thinking they are three. And actually it is three things they have seen in the MRI the last visit we were at Mayo so really they are not new ones.

Crystal and I listened to the doctor’s visit back and forth about her almost like we were not in the room. Crystal’s words were, “Mom, Dr. Kurup is like a kid in a candy store right now with my liver.” She was so right which actually made me happy and positive that he was going to get them all.

We left that appointment confident that she was going to beat it but I must say it was a long few hours.

With that news we decided to do something different on this visit, in Rochester they had an event called Thursdays on First. There were crafts, food, music…it was a party. We then took a long walk in Soldier’s Field Park. It was beautiful and peaceful. I loved the memorial, “Let us not forget these veterans for they have shown the world that freedom is never free”. It was touching and then thinking back to April 2013 she would have never been able to walk around like this before that surgery. I was thankful that she could for this one. To me it meant she was going into this fight much stronger than last time. I was hopeful.

Friday morning is here. We read our devotionals. Her family is here. She can feel the love and support from so many. Social Media has been wonderful for our family. We could feel the love and we knew we could reach out to many of you. It sure helps you feel not so alone. We are blessed.

Crystal was the second Liver Ablation for the day so she was really at a waiting period until they were ready to get her.

We had to be at the hospital to get her ready by 8am. Getting her all ready for her procedure even the nurses were taken back by her file. They asked questions in a surprise tone. The one nurse said that makes me want to cry. It is shocking what she had lived through, it does make you cry. Anyway she didn’t go back into the surgery room until almost 12pm. This Liver Ablation was to take approximately four to six hours. She was done in less than two! Yep, your prayers worked again. God listened to you all. It truly is a blessing.

They ended up doing two Ablations in the Liver and the other one they spent a good 45 minutes on and even brought in another doctor to take a look. They feel that it possibly it could be a Birth Mark in the Liver. We feel very good about this news, actually better than ever.

What does God have in store for Crystal, for my family? For all of you that have been touched by her life’s journey? I really wish I could have some answers to some of that but I guess we will all learn that later.

How is Crystal today…she is sore, has a little pain, nauseous at times, walks slowly but all with a smile.  Her next step…Check up after her procedure with her family doctor after her antibiotics are done, call her oncology doctor and Mayo in 3 months.

As we are driving home from Rochester in the rain…I write and reflect. Someday I may have to show you the post I almost made during that depressing few days before this procedure we just did. But for now I am happy and ready to live life again.

To the ones that have lost their fight to Cancer, you are not forgotten. I bet Heaven is beautiful and you are running around pain free, smiling at your loved one below as you are now their guardian angel. To the ones that are fighting it for the rest of their lives and the loved ones who are beside them…I give you ((Hugs)).

God Bless

We were taken back…

Written May 29th @ 11:05am 

We had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend filled with family and friends. There were grill outs, bonfires, grad parties, a baby reveal party, walks and bike rides, now it was time to head to the Rochester, MN.

Crystal drove on this trip to the Mayo with Gage, Rod and I as her wonderful supportive passengers.

Early Tuesday morning the testing begins. Lab work starts first than onto an MRI. As we wait, we chit chat, play on our phones, read books, stare around with amazement of this remarkable place and pray to God things are good.

For Mother’s Day, my mother gave me a book that I thought would be a good time to start reading, “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult. It’s a hard book to put down and yet very sad. It’s funny; you can feel the emotions in the story like you are living it. My mom said she felt I could relate to some of it, that’s why she wanted me to read it.

Another interesting thing that happened to me while we waited for Crystals tests to be done; I got to visit with a couple of people who have been following Crystal’s Story with the updates I write. It was a wonderful surprise to me to meet them. I was so happy that they reached out. One of them I was hoping to meet by a previous email she had sent, she happen to be at Mayo the same time we were going to be there…how ironic is that? The other person was just sitting in the same waiting room in this large Mayo Clinic…how ironic is that? And she recognized me from the posts. Hearing from them, made me realize why I write. See you think it is to help yourself but in reality it is helping someone else.

As for Tuesday, we were done with tests by early afternoon so we decided to walk back to our hotel. It was nice out, it felt good to be outside. We decided to walk over to St. Mary’s Hospital to see the Church. I had to get a photo of Crystal at the crosswalk.

That crosswalk, I walked many times carrying stuff back and forth from her room in the hospital to our hotel room. I remember the night that she came to stay with me at the hotel before we went home. I was excited and scared, she had major surgery and they didn’t want to release her to go home to Iowa just yet, so she got to stay a night with me in the hotel. That is where the crosswalk comes in, I was afraid she would not make it across the street. It took every bit of the 20 seconds to walk across it and today she could run it.

I have to admit walking into the hospital brought back many memories. Crystal couldn’t remember much, just a few things. Where I could remember where I ate, where I cried, where I question this journey we were on, where I flipped on the nurses, where I made phone calls, where I wrote in her journal…so many emotions. And today, Crystal did it, she lived it! Crystal looks great and feels good!

For the rest of the day we took a very long nap, longer than we thought, I think your emotions run high and wipe you out. It was then off for a little shopping and dinner.

Throughout the day I was thinking off and on what I would do if we got good news or if we got bad news. It is amazing how your mind can change in a split of a second. I could feel me getting sad just thinking about bad news. I didn’t want to think it, let alone speak it and my mind would switch to something else. You think that hearing it for the first time is the worst ever…it will never be like the first time? Well, I think it is all bad.

Wednesday is here; our first appointment is at 10:15am. I know all of us are ready for answers but yet nervous at the same time. Sitting in the room, I know I have said it before, you can hear the footsteps outside the door and constantly wonder if the door is going to open, your heart races and then you take a deep breath. We really didn’t think we would learn much in that appointment but we were wrong.

We learned from Dr. Rubin that there was a tumor in her liver. That something was already being scheduled with Dr. Que for the next week to remove it, whether it is with chemo, surgery or ablation. They would be letting us know more about what they are going to do at the afternoon appointment.

It was shocking and very hard to hear the word “Tumor” coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Yes, there is always the possibility…always a possibility that they will find something. But when you hear it and you know it’s a fact, you can feel yourself gasping for air and yet trying to find all of the strength to get through it and not cry like a baby in the office.

We left his office and had a few hours to get something to eat. No one was really hungry however; I have found comfort in food this last year which is depressing in itself. I found myself heartbroken for Crystal and wishing it was me instead of her. I found myself so sad for Rod, he struggles with emotion, he would do anything for his daughters and he can’t fix this. I found myself feeling sorry for Gage, he is in love with a girl and he is learning this journey along with us.

It was a beautiful day in Rochester, the sun was shiny and we sat outside. It was so very quiet. None of us really talked. We actually found ourselves questioning the visit, why did he tell us so soon. He had no answers and here we sit sad. But now I think we needed those hours to pull ourselves together and prepare for the fight.

Each one of us had time to think, time to react, time to prepare.

I found myself staring at Crystal…and Crystal was just staring out into space. What was she thinking? Was she ready for this fight? Will she always be ready to fight for the rest of her life?

We met with Dr. Que. She is our gift from God. I truly enjoy her. She is confident, smart and God gave her miracle hands.

We learned that Dr. Que was surprised that there were not more tumors. She was very happy with only finding one. We learned that Crystal will not start chemo at this time. We learned that Crystal will visit Mayo every three months. We learned that Crystal will need to be back to Mayo next Thursday for more tests and then she will have a procedure, Friday morning at 8am and stay in the hospital thru Saturday if all goes well.

The procedure is Radiofrequency Tumor Ablation. Basically they take a needle into her liver and burn the tumor. No dancing for a month, other than that, as we say…”We’ve Got This”!

By 2:15pm the text messages were starting from her sisters. We knew we were going to have to make some calls however we didn’t want to do it over the phone but we knew staying quiet would make their minds go crazy. Crystal said, “Mom, call them”.

It was hard to tell them. Cassidy cried so hard, she had just got home from school. I think she had hope that it was going to be fine but then the hurt in her voice I could tell she was in shock. Courtney was just getting off of work. She stayed strong yet quiet I am sure she was in shock and trying to figure out her schedule with work and Crystal’s procedure. Courtney has said before without tears, I am not the one with Cancer however she is the first one crying at dance practice. There was no one was home to comfort them. But we got through it. We got home safely and we have a plan…that is huge and that gives us hope.

As I wake up today from a deep deep sleep I find myself not motivated at all. Who is that going to help I say to myself? I think of the future and then realize I need to take one day at a time. I talk with Crystal, she says, “I am in shock mom. I am just laying here.” I told her I feel the same way but we have to get up and stick with a routine because we are smart enough to know if we don’t we will be lost.

She agrees…Happy Thursday to you all. Be kind to others. Talk to you all soon….

I hate Cancer!

Written May 22nd @ 6:25pm

What a day it has been. Crystal has been on an emotional ride today, last night she was good, today she has struggled. So many tears on this Thursday afternoon…

Why?

Because next week is Crystal’s Check-Up at the Mayo. Next Tuesday, May 27^th & Wednesday, May 28^th we will learn how Crystal is doing.

I asked Crystal what she is feeling, she said, “I feel lost mom.”

Your mind races with questions and worry. Even I have drove myself crazy thinking about it, but then I take a deep breath and try to think about something else without filling Crystal in on it. I seriously don’t know how I will react if this news is not good. I am not even sure I know how Crystal will take it besides the family. But we put it in God’s hands; at least that is what I am saying to myself a lot today. Crystal and I went on a nice walk to get some of the emotions out of the way before dance.

Oh everyone, we so want your prayers. We want to feel that power like we did a year ago. We need your positive thoughts to help us through it. Crystal gets energy and strength from me, I get mine from her but my whole family needs all of you to get us through it. Together we are more powerful.

I have no idea what it feels like to be on this ride as the one living it but I sure know how it feels to be the parent watching someone you dearly love fight this battle. It is heartbreaking. It is sad.

So many people say they watch us go through this and are amazed at our strength. Honestly, I think it is hearing from all of you that makes us get up each day. Some days you feel like you are watching your life play out from above. It is scary. I have even tried to go back and reread where we were a year ago and I can’t even finish one post without thinking, “How did we live through that?”

On some good news, Crystal celebrated her 22^nd birthday on Mother’s Day. Crystal also did graduate from college. She has her degree in Marketing and Business. It is a huge accomplishment and even though her plans had some big changes in them, she did it. I am so very proud of her. It is time to order her graduation cake!

Another big event Crystal had to do was to take out the other three wisdom teeth. If you remember Crystal had one removed during chemo because it had gotten infected. It was already scary to take one out during that time but we had to. Well of course she was getting ready for finals at school and sure enough it was happening again with the other ones. She had a very painful week and then once she finished her last final, out they came! She is handling it very good. However, because of her going through chemo we had to go get some blood work done at the Mercy Cancer Perrine Center before surgery. Walking into that place was extremely moving for both of us. I would have to say I never thought we would get that emotional walking in there but after being gone for 6 months and then opening those doors all of the memories came rushing back and hit us like a brick wall.

To all of you that are living with Cancer or a loved one helping someone through it…I never ever realized the journey is so long…so very long.

God Bless you all.

To the ones that are battling a similar life changing event and have reached out to us, your story is meaningful. We actually gain strength from hearing from you. Remember, I am here to listen, I think God gave me a big heart for that reason.

Some of your stories I would love to share with Crystal’s followers but they are not my stories to tell but what I can ask is that her followers pray for you, pray for others, pray to remind us all to treat others kindly. People come into your life for a reason.

HOPE

Written April 29th @ 4:10pm

It is a rainy cloudy day in Iowa and a perfect time to write a little update.  Where to begin…

Since a lot of you have been following Crystal’s Story you know that March 27^th was the day Crystal was diagnosed.  So…I wanted to make sure that we celebrated.  It is a new birthday for her!  I must admit, I was not sure if we should be talking about it or celebrating it, but then I thought why not?  Look what we have overcome as a family.  Look what Crystal has gone through in this last year!  Beating Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer!  Look at the lives she has touched, and the many people she has helped through her own journey.  Happy Birthday Crystal!  We love you…

Our family was invited as a guest to the American Cancer Society Gala on Saturday, April 5^th.  It was a beautiful event.  Some of our Tiny and Li’l Spirits performed and we watched those dancers put smiles on many faces, from our table.  The ACS did a catwalk for their event, something a little different.  The runway walk was for the survivors, the families helping their loved ones and some walked in memory of the ones that have lost their life to cancer.  It was a powerful feeling to see Crystal walk it.  It was touching to see the walk in person; it was heartbreaking to see how many lives have been touched by cancer.  We were thankful to be a part of it and to see so much money was being raised for Cancer Research.  That is so very very important.

The next day, was Courtney’s 19^th birthday.  Oh how wonderful that Courtney could enjoy her birthday with her sisters/family.  Last year it was a feeling of guilt to celebrate her birthday when we were getting ready for a major surgery with Crystal.  What a difference a year can be.

Then it was off to California, which was wonderful!  The Ellen Show was a blast.  I must say you work up a sweat just watching her show, you dance between every break.

To be at the Ellen Show on the same day (April 9^th) that Crystal was fighting for her life a year ago is emotional.  So you try not to think about it, but sitting in the audience, getting ready for a 2pm taping your mind begins to think, gosh last year we were waiting for updates while she was in surgery.  Your stomach was turning; you were getting her room ready with all of the stuff people had given her for that moment she came back from surgery.  You are hoping that everything is going to be alright, I was talking to God and my grandmother at almost every moment.  WoW, what a year!  We lived through that.  How did we do it?  Well…with all of your prayers and supportive calls, cards, emails, texts, gifts, messages, fund-raisers and I would have to say, praying to God.

When we had arrived in California, the first stop was Huntington Beach.  We ate at Duke’s, one of my favorite places and I asked Crystal.  Have you thanked God for this moment?  “She said yes, I already did.”  I smiled and felt so proud at that moment.  I am so thankful for that relaxing vacation with my daughter, those memories that we made.  The fact that my beautiful kind hearted mother paid for it and that my husband was home making sure that our other two daughters were safe.  That is a true gift and I happy that I can see it.  I am so very fortunate that I am close to my daughters, that I can enjoy their company as a friend, yet know that I am their mother first.

Getting home from our trip, celebrating Easter with family, going back to your daily routine is a blessing.  What does our future hold for us?

Crystal is very busy with finishing school; she is to graduate from Kirkwood Community College in May.  No, she does not want to walk.  But I think the fact that she has continued school with such a life changing event and always looks for positive in her life truly deserves to be recognized, even though she feels behind.

As for some of your messages…here is an update on the family:

Courtney is enjoying school.  She actually juggles work, school, boxing, dance and a night life pretty darn good I must say.

Cassidy is feeling better every week.  Cassidy just had prom and you can see by her photos how much she has grown up.  She is currently in golf and dying for school to be over with.

Rod, does very well in a house full of girls.  He is very busy with work and has recently said, “I may not talk about Crystal’s Cancer but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me.”

As a family, you hear the word Cancer more than you ever did before or do we recognize it more because it has touched our life?  When someone we know has just learned of cancer, they share their story with us.  Lately, it seems like so much has been going on around us.  You find yourself being thankful for the cards that you were dealt with.

Crystal will not be the last one diagnosed with Cancer in our circle of family and friends.  There will be more.  There will be more sad stories.  And what is the word that helps us all?  It is HOPE, such a powerful word, a word that is actually a gift.  When you are filled with hope, it keeps you going.  It keeps you fighting whether it is for your life or a goal you want to achieve.  HOPE is what we all need.

Emotions are Exhausting…

Written March 12th @ 10:45am

Can’t wait for spring!  Crystal and I are looking forward to warmer weather, green grass, and flowers.  Oh we can’t forget, having our windows down in the car with the music on.

As I sit in the kitchen this morning and the sun is beaming in, I think it is a good time to update Crystal’s Story…It’s been a rough week and I always feel better after I write.

February flew by.  Crystal and I were so very busy with the Spirit Show.  The Spirit Show was a dream of mine for years.  Celebrating being in business for 20 years I decided it was a good time to conquer that dream.  However, Crystal’s Cancer got in the way and so; I canceled that Spirit Show that was to take place in September.  I never knew how hurt Crystal was going to be with the choice that I made.  She cried so hard.  She wanted to be on that stage.  I remember Crystal making me tell the Professional Team at practice the following week that the Show must go on, even if she does not win this fight with Cancer.  There was not a dry eye in the room that night and I thought I could never do it but we will reschedule it for March and we will put it in God’s hands.

I never knew how much joy the idea of the Spirit Show brought Crystal, just wanting to be a part of it.  It gave her a goal.  It gave her something positive to look forward to.  It gave her Hope.  Well, for our first Spirit Show…it was Sold Out!  It was a Hit!  I probably put more passion into putting on that Spirit Show for my daughter than I ever could before.  She gave me the drive.  My mother (Shari) said it was the happiest she had seen Crystal in the last year.  It was a blessing…

In the meantime, I had joked with my mom about going on another vacation.  Let’s hit up Cali and go to the Ellen Show?  I stated.   As my mom laughed and said sure, I made the remark let’s go in April.  As my mother freaked out and said we can’t leave then, I am busy at work; it’s your daughter (Courtney) and Uncle Bret’s birthday!  A year ago no one felt like celebrating, Crystal was fighting for her life.  We can’t leave.  We both got off the phone thinking of the last year.

I must say it immediately took me back.  I remember Courtney feeling guilty having an 18^th birthday and celebrating on April 6^th knowing her sister had huge surgery on April 9^th.  Courtney felt like she shouldn’t be having any fun.  And then my Uncle, his birthday was literally the next day after surgery.  All he wanted was for Crystal to get through surgery and hear good news.  It made me so sad thinking about all we have gone through and all the emotions.  How did we live through that?

About 30 minutes later my mother had called me back to say, “Wouldn’t it be great if you could just take Crystal to Cali with you.  I would send you both, if you could get tickets to the Ellen Show on April 9^th a year from a huge life changing surgery”.  It made me smile to think on that terrible day we could be doing something fun a year later.  To go to the Ellen Show, a positive woman who makes you laugh and dance would be a dream.  But Ellen tickets maybe FREE but HARD to get.  It can take a couple of years to get them.

So, I reached out to a friend/acquaintance of mine from an event the Spirits did back in California.  I asked if she had any contact to get me tickets for the Ellen Show in April.  Interesting enough she had been following Crystal’s Story.  Isn’t funny how people come into your life?  She said she knew someone and will see what she can do?  I really never thought anymore about it.  Until…

On a Tuesday, I am sitting in my office at work, paperwork everywhere and up pop’s a message.  She got me tickets to the April 9^th Ellen Show!  I immediately was in shock and tears began flowing.  I called my mother and then called Crystal into my office.

Crystal had a worried look on her face.  She could see I was crying.  What is it mom?  Crystal on April 9^th you were fighting for your life in a major surgery.  Do you know what we are doing this year on April 9^th?  We are going to the Ellen Show in California!  Crystal dropped to her knees and cried.  With both of us on the floor in my small office, we hugged, cried and we were dying to share the news.

By the next day I had asked Crystal, does everyone think we are going to be on the show?  Because that is the feedback I am getting.  Crystal said me too.  And then we smiled.  As I then stated I kind of feel like my show tickets are not that great of a deal.  I mean isn’t it exciting to be going to Ellen, going to Cali?  It’s a vacation.  We laughed told each other some stories…are favorite is “Oh My God you are going to be on Ellen…Oh you are just going to the show…Oh that is too bad”.   Awe, we love our support from all of you.  You have all changed our lives.  So, thank you for thinking we should be on a great positive show!

Now why has our week been so rough?

The emotions of reliving what we were doing last year.  March 27^th was the day we learned of Crystal’s Cancer and you can’t help but think of the events that led up to it.   A year ago we went to the PINK Concert in Chicago…a Great Spirit Trip.  Crystal was so ill and kept up with all of us girls.  She walked all over and never complained.  None of us knew how sick she was.  Spring Break is coming up so you think of how we were getting ready to leave for Panama City, FL and how Crystal felt like she was slowly dying but none of us knew that is what she was thinking.  It breaks my heart as a parent; I can’t imagine how a sister feels let alone how Crystal feels.

Another emotion that hit this week, my niece, Amy walks into the Studio with a smile on her face.  She looks good in love, she is newly engaged, she is handing out her daughter’s 1^st birthday invitations and she just got done performing in the Spirit Show which was a dream of hers.  To top it off Amy is expecting her 2^nd little one.  Amy is glowing; her life is good, she’s on top of the world, she knows her purpose.  How lucky to have that feeling in your life at least once.  But I see Crystal staring at Amy; she didn’t take her eyes off of her.  I could see pain in Crystal’s eyes when I asked, “Why do you keep staring at Amy?”  She broke down.  It was heart breaking.  We will never know how Crystal feels.  Instead of thinking if she will marry and have children she thinks will my cancer come back and can I beat it.

When your body does not feel right?  Is it because of what you ate or is it because you don’t have a gall bladder?  Is the Cancer coming back?  Is it a different form of Cancer?  Or is it the chemo still in your body that makes you feel this way?  Can it be the flu?  Am I worrying too much?  Am I over thinking?  If I go to the doctor can they do a blood test?  Do I want the results?  I don’t’ want to talk about it?  I don’t like thinking about it?  But last year, last year?  Those questions I hate.  And when your daughter asks you, I must say you can feel your heart break just a little bit.  Life is a journey…

I do feel better after getting a little bit off my mind, Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you All.  We all have a story and when you share them you always have the chance to help or change someone.

 

Crystal wrote something!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Written on February 5th @ 3:45pm

Can you believe we are in February?  It sure has gone by fast!  Hopefully you are all finding positive things about 2014!

I am hearing from you all, you want an update!  Thank you for all of the messages, kind words and I hope you enjoy this post!  I have not forgotten any of you…I just was not sure what to write?

We did ring in the New Year with a positive attitude on our end.  This last year when I spoke at the Dick Vitale’s Gala, they had an auction where we put a bid in on a dinner at Daniel Arthur’s in Cedar Rapids.  We won!  So, we chose to use the certificate New Year’s Eve Night!  By the way, the Gala is coming back this June 2014!

We did get the Mercy Touch Magazine.  We were so very excited and surprised to be on the cover.  It’s funny, when I run all of the CR Spirits posters/calendars.  I know everything that is going out and if I like it or not before anyone can see it. When you have no control, it’s a strange feeling but yet exciting.  It was fun to read the story through someone else’s eyes.  It is also a very good feeling to think that it opened at least one person’s eyes to this ugly form of cancer.  That it could have helped one person with another day of Hope.

Hope…is such a very powerful word.  It’s a gift from God.  If you don’t have Hope, what do you have?  What is life without it?  God filled me with Hope…I am so very lucky.

You know I found this necklace in Vegas with my mom.  It made me cry.  It was just that simple word.  Hope.  I wanted it so very bad but they were out of the color I wanted, it was only in gold.  I wanted silver.  I am going to find that necklace and where it proudly.

This brings me to my mother and our trip to Vegas.  For Christmas my family got a trip for my mother to go to Vegas and see Shania Twain.  The crazy thing is this trip was just for my mother and me.  Our first trip together, it was perfect.  I always think I am so very different from my mother but what I learned on this trip is we have more in common than I thought.

It was wonderful to see her laugh, smile and be carefree.  It made me want more trips with her.  I hope that my daughters see how important it is to make that time.  Life is so very busy.  Your children, your relationships, your career, your goals…it’s easy to forget that someone you love wants to share time with you.

Crystal had asked me, “Mom, what do you want to do in Vegas”?  I told her I just wanted Grandma to have the time of her life.  I want Grandma to know that feeling when you don’t want a trip to be over.  What had happened is I found peace from watching her, I found that feeling of wanting to do another thing with just my mom and I.  Oh whoever reads this…it doesn’t have to be Vegas…just a dinner but make the time.

I knew it was good…when two days later after our trip, I received a text from my mother stating…”I had the time of my life in Vegas even at age 63”.

Crystal has gone back to school.  She is finishing up her last semester at Kirkwood.  That first day was difficult for her because she was walking the halls during the same time as last year when she was feeling ill, then going back into those same classes.  She did break down in the class that she had to tell them she had to quit because she had cancer.  She said it was a very rough first couple of days.

It is hard for her to get up in the morning which is a very big change for her.  She also has a very hard time staying focused and remembering what is being said in class but so far she is hanging in there and plans to graduate in May.

Crystal looks beautiful.  Her attitude and strength you can see through her eyes.  She struggles with feeling tired, digesting her food and of course the worry of what happens in June.  But we keep setting goals.  Little goals but they are goals.

She is doing an amazing job at the Dance Studio.  She loves teaching, loves watching it grow and is constantly thinking what we are going to do next.  Yes, a younger me.  It’s that passion that hope, that love for life that keeps you going.

As far as the family goes….Rod is very busy with work, going to basketball games and lately lots of shoveling.  Courtney is very involved in school, plus in her free time she seems to be putting in more hours at work and dancing her first year on the Spirits can be very challenging.  Cassidy is feeling better however she does watch what she eats; she plays basketball and is getting very excited about golf.  And Calvin…the most beautiful dog in the world…he is fabulous!

Here is something from our Crystal!

I can’t believe it has been almost 1 year since I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. What a journey it has been. I go through my good days and my bad days. Now that I have been done with chemotherapy for about 3 months I am finally able to relax…or at least that is what I thought I was supposed to do. The hardest part of this whole journey was not being diagnosed, not the surgery, and not even the radiation or the chemotherapy. The worst part is after all that stuff. Of course it was sad and upsetting hearing the information about my cancer and being in pain through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. But when I was doing all those things since March of 2013 I was fighting for my life, I was staying positive so I could fight and win. My mind was occupied with other things. Now that I have won this battle I thought I was done fighting. What I have learned is I will never be done fighting; I will always have that worry about what if this nasty cancer comes back? Do I really have the strength to do that all over again? Those things run through my mind all the time. These last three months has been the most difficult. Anyone that has had cancer would get what I am saying. The hardest part is when you are done with the doctor visits, and the surgeries, and the chemotherapy. I didn’t believe them at first, but my doctors already told me this would be the hardest part.

Of course I am still the positive Crystal everyone knows…I just have my days like any other cancer patient would. To help me through these tough times I work out a lot, read, meditate, and plan goals for what I want in the future. I take very good care of myself and I do the things I want to do. I live every day to the fullest, because I don’t know what will happen in the future. God helps me through my tough days and I say “Thank You” to him a lot, because he deserves it. I was blessed with so many other things that I appreciate…why would I not thank him? And I am lucky that I don’t even have to go back to the Mayo Clinic till June. Hopefully till then God will watch over me and keep me healthy and safe till that check-up.

A few things that I am looking forward to in the next month is our Spirit Show on March 1! These are the things that make me excited for the future! If you are interested in coming to watch me, my students, and my Professional Team please let us know. It is going to be a night full of dancing and memories.

Thank you for being there for my family and me…Love, Crystal!

Here is Crystal’s Article in the Mercy Touch…