April 2015

It’s Monday, a slow start for me today.

Written on Monday April 20th @ 3:30pm

As I am in the kitchen rounding up my stuff to take to work, Crystal walks in the back door. Crystal is simply beautiful, no makeup, hair in a ponytail, has her workout clothes on, with big sunglasses that she is putting on her head but then decides to just wear them again. It caught me off guard for she was just going to meet me at work, I could feel something was wrong.

As I ask her what is up, I can see her chin begin to wrinkle, her mouth trying to be strong and then her voice begins to shake, “Mom, I think it is just nerves for the appointment Thursday. I don’t feel good.” With her sunglasses on it hides her eyes but the tears are rolling down her cheek. I put my arms out to hug her, as she comes into them like a little toddler wanting to be taken care of.

It breaks my heart. I stay strong and tell her when we get our good news on Thursday afternoon, you will get to live again with no worries for awhile. Life can be so very unfair. I find myself becoming bitter, angry, questioning…why? I told myself I would never want to be like that as an adult. I feel the older I get, the more annoyed I am, the more judgmental I have become. This is real life.

You ask me how we do it? How we stay strong? How we get up each day? Honestly, you continue to plan your days, your weeks, your months as if nothing is wrong. As if nothing could go wrong. You simply live. And by living you don’t have time to face the facts. I hate Cancer. I hate Cancer. I hate Cancer. And as I write this I am immediately looking for positive and feeling guilty for writing anger.

In a few more days we will learn more about Crystal’s new team of doctors and we will hopefully receive good news about Crystal too. A couple of weeks ago we had a little scare. Crystal has a few lymph nodes on her neck that have been there for a little more than three months. We’ve been watching them like the doctor said and if they were to grow in size, we were to come back in to get them checked. So we did…

It was scary. You wanted to believe it was nothing but then the worry just gets you. Crystal is so fortunate to be surrounded by good doctors. Dr. Geodken, set up an appointment with a another doctor to have the procedure done the next morning. Picking Crystal up that Friday morning she was so calm and quiet. I asked her if she was scared, she said, “A little”. Honestly I was scared but I think I was more sad just knowing my daughter will always have to go through this. Always have to be tough and push forward.

Needless to say the doctor was very kind and gentle. Crystal said it was not bad so off to StarBuck’s for a treat. Funny story, as I have my drink about gone my daughter has not even touched hers. I finally said, “Are you going to drink it or wait for it to get cold”? She said, “I think it is hot”. As I say, “Try it”. Crystal says, “I am afraid”. WHAT?!?! She just had a huge needle in her neck not once but twice and she’s afraid the coffee is hot?!?! So yep she had me take a drink of it first…I must admit it her drink was little hot.

Anyway, we did receive the results Monday afternoon and it was Benign. We are elated and ready for the April 16th appointment at the Mayo in Rochester, MN.

I would like to Thank my Facebook Friends for all of the prayers, kind words and messages. I read each one. Funny, I was not going to post anything until we knew what was going on and if it was bad. But I found myself thinking gosh, Crystal has beat this every time and every time I reached out for prayers and positive thoughts to strangers so how could I not do it this time. I told Crystal it is like a ball player getting ready for a game and they wear the same socks without being washed or they eat the same dinner the night before…It’s a ritual and I have found that is exactly how I feel with Crystal’s Story. I guess it is a positive thing. But seriously Thank You All for taking the time to think of my daughter.

On another note, Crystal, Gage and her sister Courtney went on a Spring Break Vacation. They were excited to get away but I think Crystal was sure missing “Storm” however, Cassidy had that under control at home.

Crystal did just celebrate her “New” Birthday on March 27th. That was the day she was diagnosed in 2013. And she has beat it twice.

Crystal also just went to the CR Spirits Ball/Prom and she was very excited to fit in her Junior Year High School Prom Dress…Oh the things that can make a girl happy.

Well, it is time for me to get back to work. Wipe the tears and be thankful for what I have. I have three beautiful daughters who are still with me today. I have a very hard working husband who would do anything for his family. I have a mother who takes my phone call when I am sad, mad or hurt and stays strong for me. I have a dance studio full of people that have come into my life for a reason. God gave me a talent and I use it for good.

Good morning everyone…

Written Thursday, April 16th @ 6:40am

Well we want to keep you in the loop but yesterday was just to upsetting to write anything.

As we were getting things wrapped up to leave for Rochester yesterday I received a phone call from Crystal. She was crying so hard that it was difficult for me to understand what she was saying. I actually thought maybe she got into a car accident but soon realized that Mayo had called and canceled her appointment.

Yes, it is shocking not even two hours before we were going to leave but as I tried to calm Crystal down I could realize that she was devastated and wants answers. It has been 4 months since the last check up and she is worried. “Mom, I just want to know if it is back.”

Oh trust me, hearing her cry was heart breaking, I want answers too. I want it done so we can live again without worry for a month or two. I knew if I began to cry we would get no where so logic set in.

Crystal…it is a cancellation. It is not bad news, just a cancellation. We will play the waiting game until May 6th. We will get out of bed everyday and push forward. Goodness I say to her, here I thought maybe you got into a car accident so I would much rather have a cancellation…right? And honestly look how lucky we are that we are driving there and have not left yet, think of the people they called that might of been on a flight, or have been driving for 8 hours to go there. Crystal you know that happens.

She begins to calm down. I ask her if they gave a reason for the cancellation…she said her doctor had a family emergency come up that morning. As I said to Crystal here is your new team of doctors, your new miracle workers, they are learning their new patients too. Those doctors know their patients need them and that doctor would never cancel unless it was something terrible. And look his or her life probably just changed drastically that day too. We are human. It is a cancellation not the news that your cancer is back.

Crystal was quiet and needed to call Gage as I needed to call her father with the changed travel plans. After talking with Rod, Courtney, Cassidy and my mom. I was exhausted. Rod was shocked. Cassidy was angry. Cassidy was saying it is not fair. They can’t just do that to her, to us and off to work Cassidy went. Courtney…well she was fine. However, she believes that there is a cure for Cancer. She believes the government knows the cure but makes money by not having a cure. So as Courtney is going off saying, “That is why I wouldn’t want children because I would not want to raise them in this world”…I can feel that the girl who is fine, is devastated. And then my mom…she could tell again that I needed someone to break down to but she stayed logical and calm for me.

Oh trust me I did break down but then I turned on the music and began to choreograph a new dance for class that night. Yep, we need to just get back into the routine…when Crystal called and said…no dance mom. I don’t feel like dealing with anyone can we just do something…

Well in Rochester there is this little restaurant called Newt…It has delicious burgers. Crystal was looking forward to it as she even was telling her Junior Spirits dance class that. So all we ever hear is how great Zombie Burger is in Des Moines…So last night we drove there to eat and back home again. It was nice to see her smile. And our food was delicious.

So everyone…May 6th is the day. You ask how she is feeling? She has had to use her inhaler a bit but we feel its because of her allergies. She still has the enlarged lymph node but what we have checked of it, we’ve learned it was benign. She has been nauseas but that can be caused by worry. She has struggled getting up and motivated in the morning but at 22 years old, the stress of an appointment about your health and new team of doctors thoughts, could cause anyone to get depressed.

But Crystal looks great, her smile is contagious and she never complains. So when you see her our in public, performing with the Spirits, living life just know sometimes she is doing everything she can to look normal even though inside she can be struggling….I guess like a lot of us.