September 2016

We got our news…

Written on Friday, September 23rd @ 1:05pm

Well, we can feel your prayers, your positive energy and your love.

That was a long hour waiting in his office for the news.

My heart was racing, Crystal felt sick, Gage kept holding Crystals hand & Rod stayed quiet.

I couldn’t tell if the doctor was surprised or was just happy to say…they don’t see anything. No tumors. Nothing was detected.

I can’t tell you how happy we were in that moment. I started to cry, I even said I know I don’t look happy but they really are happy tears. I was shocked, thankful and excited all in one.

We immediately told her sisters, called grandma & made celebration plans for dinner when we get home.

Crystal did go Live at Mayo and we did post her beautiful wedding video a gift from our dear friend Kevin Railsback. The video kept all our minds busy thinking of that happy day.

Crystal next big appointment will be in December. I promise to stay in touch with you all, you are the blessings that God gave me.

Link to her wedding…

https://vimeo.com/183583526

 

And we try not to worry…

Written on Wednesday, September 21st @ 9:40am

Good morning. I woke up very early today, actually I am not even sure if I slept 3 hours. It’s been off and on like that for the last few weeks. I am very restless but I bet we all get like that from time to time. At least when I look at it that way I don’t feel alone. Yes, it has been a ride of worry the last couple of weeks.

Tomorrow we will be heading to Mayo bright and early. Oh the stress, the worry and the what ifs…it can drive you crazy.

How has Crystal been? She looks beautiful, she is very happy, she is loving her new adventure as a Mrs…

Now, how has she been feeling? Well, tired, has a nauseous feeling, sits down a lot, her joints ache, she tries not to worry, and then worries because she is worrying too much. Stress can make your body do crazy things. Has there been tears? Yes.

On another note, she loves that she can finally taste food again. She loves thinking of her summer, her wedding memories and she loves her sisters. She loves her husband, his family and planning for their future. What more could a mom ask for.

It’s been 5 months of no doctor visits, no blood work, no scans, no chemo, no surgeries, no pokes… Oh what we take for granted.

Someone asked me if she has gotten to go that long before? Well, before this crazy journey began, her last night out feeling great, before cancer was December 31st, 2012. She was with Libby, Paulette, Rod & I. In January of 2013 she began not feeling 100%. By February the blood work began. In the last 4 years, I do believe that one other time we went this long with good news.

This time it seems hard for me to emotionally prepare for this appointment. I mean if they see more tumors, can we beat it? Does she start chemo again? Will there be a surgery? How do you plan for the future when you are not sure what the next appointment brings? I guess the same questions I always have at every appointment.

But then you find yourself thinking if the appointment is good how happy you would be, then you immediately think what will her appointment be like before the holidays? I mean what if it’s back then? What will the holidays be like? Will she be sad? Will her sisters be okay? How can we plan that family vacation? She could be sick or on chemo which makes it hard to focus on the future.

Then I realize, that is her life, our life and we can’t quit planning even though sometimes I want to lay in bed and pout. And lately that has been more than normal. We don’t know our journey, keep planning, keep living, I keep telling myself.

Her husband will be her right hand person. When the doctors come to tell us news, her husband will be the one to hear first. It is a new journey for all of us, I am blessed that we are a close family, I am blessed that God gave me the knowledge to know it’s okay to let go. But you moms out there, this is a new feeling for me. It is scary and I am so glad I respect Gage as the person that he is. It sure does help during this time.

I walked with Crystal yesterday, I told her that if the cancer is back we fight. As Crystal says to me, “If it is back and I have to start chemo I will start on October 8th. That way I will feel good and can wear heels to a couple of weddings that Gage and I are invited to”. I realized then that she has mentally prepared and planned her next step to what she can control. Deep down inside I was proud but yet my heart hurt hearing her plan.

I just want everything normal. I want to hear good news because the selfish side of me wants my life back too. I’ve lost myself lately. Kind of embarrassing but it’s almost like I care and I don’t. I need to take care of myself. Moms we need to take care of ourselves.

I find myself, not talking to God as much these last few weeks. It is like I will say a prayer for someone, say a quick Thank You and move on. It is almost like I am ignoring talking to him so I don’t even have to acknowledge that there is cancer in our family. Crazy right? I wouldn’t give that advice to my daughters and here I am doing it.

I guess the blessing in all of this is… I am lucky because I am reminded daily to live life. God gave me three beautiful gifts, Crystal, Courtney and Cassidy. I learn more from them then they will ever know.

Thank you God for my strength and the gifts of my daughters that remind me daily how to love healthy.

On another note, on Facebook the CR Spirits went live. It was actually a little nerve racking but fun. Crystal would like to go live at Mayo…Not sure what her game plan is but she thought it would be neat to show you all where she is…If you have Facebook then make sure you look for the video.

We will not have results to her tests until Friday afternoon. Again, Thank You in advance for your positive words, prayers and thoughts.