November 2018

20 Days Later.

Written on Tuesday, November 20th @ 8:40pm

Sitting on the couch, listening to Christmas music, sipping on cold water and thinking, we need to always look for the good.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  A time to find those blessings and a time to remember to be thankful for what you have because it can always be worse.

Well, since I last updated you, I have had time to be upset, sad, mad and not focused.  It lasted about 4 days.

As you recall Crystal received her news that her tumors had spread to her lungs on October 31st, Halloween.  Now what you may have not known is Crystal and Gage were going on vacation the following day, November 1st.  Some dear friends of theirs had gotten married and invited people to join them on their vacation to the Dominican.  Crystal had no time to be sad, mad or worried.  She was in shock and then getting on a plane.  I would say a great form of medication for her.

As I received her text messages and her snapchat stories I could tell she was having the time of her life.  Thankful for Gage, a strong, confident, positive husband.  Who enjoys living life and making sure she stays just as positive.  They compliment each other well.

As for mom, on Thursday, I was in shock and sad.  Friday, Saturday and Sunday I tried so hard to think of the holidays, Cassidy’s Birthday, Christmas gift ideas, Amanda’s upcoming wedding but I found myself crying or just tearing up.  I could tell the people I would bump into when I was out and about didn’t know what to say to me.  They would be quiet and smile with a sad stare.  I then found myself feeling horrible for them, such an awkward feeling.  And usually after starting up a conversation, we all would begin crying.  Bumping into Emily and her family while we were shopping, even Cassidy had to walk away.

I even caught myself on social media getting upset when I would see a post from someone having a bad day, I would think, that’s a bad day?  And then I would have to remind myself we all have a story.

So Monday morning comes, I lay in bed not wanting to get up.  Almost 5 days of that attitude.  I didn’t have dance that week which was perfect because I didn’t have to see anyone.  As I lay there, I am thinking so this is gonna be my life.  I am just going to pout, be sad, not be motivated because I know the future?  Like I am allowing this?  I am going to show my daughters that life throws you a curve and it’s over?  I mean it is okay to be sad and mad for a few days but I sure in the heck don’t want to live in that frame of mind more than a few days.  Crystal is going to come home from vacation to a mother who is depressed and then she will begin to worry about me.  And that was it, I got out of bed, immediately went to the basement and decided a deep cleaning would be a good thing to do to keep my mind busy.  I cleaned and cleaned, periodically thought of my daughters, my life, the holidays, my family, my childhood, my friends, my dear friends.  And by that evening, I decided for the first time to put my tree up early.  Rod came home and was relaxing after a long day at work, then he heard some crazy noises downstairs, as he comes down the steps he asked me what I was doing with a funny look on his face.  I said, keeping my mind busy, focusing on happier times with the holidays coming.  He went back upstairs which I thought, I am not crazy.  Next thing I know he came back down and staring helping with the tree.  I was up very late that night making sure that basement was perfect.

Now comes Tuesday…I didn’t want to get out of bed again, but then it felt so good yesterday to accomplish something.  So I got up, made some coffee, started laundry and began a long day of book-work.  It felt good to get a jump start on taxes and figure our holiday budget too.  

But when Wednesday came, I was struggling.  I could feel the happiness I had for Crystal’s vacation and then suddenly getting upset for the worry I will have in January.  Life is not fair.  I am not sure what to think but I didn’t allow that negative thinking to continue.  I got up, made that coffee and deep cleaned the upstairs for Thanksgiving.  Again, I cleaned and cleaned.  Rod comes home from a very long day at work, it is late, I look at him as he had tracked mud throughout the house.  I think he could tell I wanted to flip out but instead of being angry (trust me, it does annoy me, it would be like my following him around at work and pulling out every nail he just pounded in) I looked at him and said Rod, you know the work Crystal and I wanted done at the dance studio?  I think we should do it, I think we should start tonight.  I only have a few days before she is home.  I want to surprise her, I want her to see we are not giving up.  I want her to see that we will still keep planning.  After Rod had tracked in mud, I think that helped him not say No to me.  Instead he said get your coat, let’s go.  And as we drove to the studio, I thanked him for caring and for having the talent to do that kind of work.  Courtney had to work late as she does on Wednesdays but Cassidy she was ready to tear down that wall.  It felt good, it felt right, it felt positive, it felt up-lifting.  We took some anger out on that wall and left it at that.

Rod and I worked at the studio Thursday evening.  And then early Friday morning, I had called my mom to talk about Crystal coming home and how Crystal stated this was the best vacation she had ever had.  That she wants the whole family to go there next year.  That she had the time of her life and loved the people she was with.  As my mother asks  what I am doing today, I explain I have to finish this studio, it is a surprise for Crystal.  She will see that we are not giving up.  Trust me, I even questioned doing this work when come January who knows what will happen but I have to try.  I have to keep living.  My mom offers to come to the studio and help, I really didn’t want my mom to feel she had to be there all day but she insisted.  And I am so very grateful that she did.  14 hours straight of updating/cleaning that dance studio.  I could have never done it by myself.  I rehung every poster/calendar/photo in order of starting this business.  After talking to my mom, Rod and her sisters we decided to say nothing to Crystal until Monday when we were going to work.

After enjoying Crystal and Gage being home and hearing all about their trip.  It was already Monday.

Picking Crystal up for work and I could tell something was wrong.  She says, Mom I have horrible news.  I got it about 5 hours ago.  I needed time to myself to take it in.  Mayo called me.  I will be going back January 8th with testing for two days, some of the testing is the same but there is more new tests.  Not including I have more doctors added to my team of doctors I already have.  They have scheduled a surgery on the 10th for one of my lungs.  They will do each lung separate just incase one were to collapse.  Then two weeks later if everything is good, they will have surgery on the other lung.  Mom, what are we going to do about dance?  I want to dance mom and it’s like everything is in the way.  Why is this happening?  I didn’t even want to go to the studio today, I just keep crying.  It makes me so sad.

I took a deep breath, as I listened to her.  I even thought to myself, not only was it great that she got to have that wonderful vacation.  But with her leaving it gave me a week to cry, be sad, be angry and not feel like I had to be positive because she was home and would need me.  Maybe God gave me that time to find my focus?  As I explained to Crystal, be sad, be mad, cry, sleep I did it for four days.  I couldn’t find my focus.  You my sweetie have not had time to do that.  You have been on the go, so take that time.  You deserve.  You’re right, I dont’ know what to do about dance but you know what I do know?  We need to keep planning.  We can’t stop.  We can’t give up.  We have four options.  They are the facts.  1.) There could be a miracle with all of these prayers & those tumors could be gone.  2.) Those tumors may not have grown, they may not be able to get them but they are planning.  Those doctors are focused to get them.  3.) They have grown, they have not multiplied, they are going to operate and yes your lung can collapse, the pain the journey is scary but we want them out of there.  So you fight.  4.) They have grown, they have spread and we will have to figure out a form of chemo.  Oh my beautiful daughter, the one that made me a mom.  I hate your fight, I wish I could take it for you.

As I open the doors to the studio she looks at me and says, Mom did you? Her arms wrapped around me as she cried and said Thank You Mom, I needed this.  I need to keep moving forward.  Just then her dad walks in and smiles and says what is all this crying about?  

I find it interesting that we did everything we could to get that studio ready in three days. for her new journey that she wanted so bad with he Spirits.  The timing of Mayo calling, our drive to Lindale Mall with the heartfelt conversation and then her seeing the studio.  I feel God planned it that way.  I can’t explain the joy of us hugging her and actually seeing her find hope with staying focused on living life, on planning, on moving forward.

As for Crystal, she is putting up her tree, excuse me, trees.  She is thankful for all of the support, kind words, thoughtful messages.  She is ready to enjoy her holidays.  And as I explained to the family again this year, embrace this holiday because you never know if you will all be together for the next one.

 

 

 

Driving Home…

Written on Thursday, November 1st @ 8:15am

What a long day.  Crystal’s last appointment for the day was at 4:05pm.  We had been up already for 12 hours and still had our drive home.  The day comes with anxiety, your emotions are all over the place and that alone can make you exhausted.  We sat in the doctors office just like we always do, Crystal, Gage, Mom and Dad sitting on the bench waiting for the news.  Each of us have our own thoughts, each of us make small talk and somehow we all find time to giggle.  As the nurse finishes taking her blood pressure, the velcro from taking the cuff off her arm seemed loud to me that day, which I thought to myself, it’s funny how that sound almost makes me sad anymore.  The door opens and in walks her doctor in his orange tie.  So nice looking, reserved and polite.  And we hear her news.

The liver has two spots that they’re watching and they still are not sure what they are.  We did know of those spots and we are very happy that those are the same.  Such wonderful news.  But the new news is, it has moved to her lungs.  Since June’s appointment the spots in her lungs have grown and a new one has been found.  We also know that the spots are too little at this time to try get.  Two tumors in the right lung and one tumor in the left.  We have options, we wait until January, see if more multiply, see if they grow and then we try to go get them.  We could also go back on chemo to hopefully keep them from growing and multiplying, there is no guarantee with that and then she could end up being on chemo for the rest of her life.  There is also a few other things that she might be able to do.  I tried my very best not to cry as I ask the doctor if she was your daughter what would you tell her to do…and he says as he looks at Crystal.  I think you should enjoy your holidays, the spots are small and we wait to see what they do.  So that is our plan.  We wait, we pray, we trust, we believe and we do our very best to not take these holidays for granted.

As we walk out of the office we hug each other, we say it’s not the news we wanted to hear but now we enjoy the holidays, we have a plan.  Crystal is quiet, Rod is quiet, Gage calls his family, Crystal asks me to call her sisters and then I call my mom.  We make a plan to meet at BWW when we get back into town.

We stop at a gas station not to just get gas but to get some chocolate, some candy, I guess it’s our Halloween Candy for the ride home.  As Gage and Rod get out of the car, Crystal says, “Mom, I just want to dance.  Don’t quit the studio, I need the Professional Team, I want to perform this year.  I really need to mom”.  I said okay, we’ve got this.  I took a deep breath, I could feel my tears.  The boys get back in the car and it is quiet.  We do of course go through a few small towns on the way home, we could see some trick o treaters and how happy they probably were.  What a beautiful night for them to be out.  As I continued to drive home, the three of them slept.  I watched the farmers on their combines working in the fields, the dust, the semi trucks, the smell, all the deer coming out of the fields.  It’s actually very beautiful to see, it’s peaceful when the sun is coming down and you see them working in the fields.  It is like a picture you see in a magazine of the midwest only I am really seeing it, seeing the beauty.  That morning when I drove, right when the sun was coming up, the three of them were sleeping again and I watched the farmers getting their day started in the fields.  I wondered what their life is like, must be a long day for them too.

So I count my blessings, we still all have each other, Crystal is very loved, she is not fighting alone and it can always be worse.  I know where my children are and I am lucky they are still with me.  Thank You God I found some blessings but I need sometime to cry and be mad.