June 2018

Here we go again…

Written on Tuesday, June 19th @ 10:50pm

It was a raining day here in Iowa.  I thought sometime today would be a good time to update Crystal’s Story.  I can’t believe it has been almost three months since I last updated you all.  So much has been going on.  Whomever is reading this, just think what you have done in the last three months of your life.  What holidays, birthdays, good times, sad times, your everyday worries, that have occurred these last few months.  Life sure is a journey for all of us.

Let’s see, we have celebrated Easter, Courtney turning 23, a Spirits Team Bonding Event with their Mothers (precious), Cassidy buying herself a new vehicle, Spirits Photo Shoot, our little dog Calvin passing away, graduation parties, Crystal’s 26th Birthday (reminder they said she wouldn’t be here at 23), Mother’s Day, a Spirits Vegas Trip, Memorial Day Weekend, the Taylor Swift Concert in Chicago and Father’s Day.

Reviewing what I just typed, goodness the memories we’ve made.  The life we are choosing to live.  I can tell you there has been some happy times, some laughter, some tears, some anger and it was even exhausting at times in those events I just shared with you.  But when you think back to all of those emotions, I can say we are living life to the fullest.

Here is a little info about the Spirits Photo Shoot in May.  When you look at the all pictures over the last 25 years of the CR Spirits, each picture/poster/calendar can tell a story.  To the public, it looks simple.  A bunch of women, who are smiling, loving what they do and feeling confident for the pictures that will be given to the public.  But in reality, their are many stories with these women.  Taking a picture you may think is easy but it sure can be hard when life is throwing you a curve.  Crystal’s picture this year was a difficult shoot.  She was very sick and struggling with breathing.  It was heart breaking watching her smile all the while thinking the cancer was back.  It took every ounce of her strength to breathe.  But she would not change the date, she would not want to break the schedule, she would not cancel without trying it first…The next day after a doctor visit and a scan we learned she had walking Pneumonia.  Yes, horrible for her and her immune system but so happy that it was that and not cancer.  Again, a reminder for all of us to live life and push through those hard times.

The crazy thing about that story, is Crystal was so miserable when she was sick and it was shortly after feeling better that our little fur family member was struggling with breathing.  It was Crystal that said mom, he is struggling.  He needs help now.  I know how he is feeling, he needs to go to the hospital.  Crystal was right.  It wasn’t that I didn’t notice but he was fine earlier that evening.  It happened so fast.  It was an awful time for our family.  Actually there still are days that I miss him terribly.  You know that evening, I started to cry immediately when Crystal said, mom he is struggling.  The minute I started to cry and Crystal too, we could see Calvin trying to open his eyes to comfort us, and his breathing was so labored.  Just typing this breaks my heart.  He was the perfect little guy for our family.

Onto our hero, Crystal’s next Mayo Appointment is Thursday, June 21st with results on Friday, June 22nd.  We sure would take those prayers, those positive vibes, those beautiful heartfelt messages.  We appreciate you and we need you.

Crystal, Gage and I will be leaving for Mayo on Thursday.  Rod, Courtney & Cassidy will be with us in Spirit.

On Friday of last week, Crystal and Cassidy took me to Olive Garden, Courtney was in Chicago or she would have been there too.  As we wait for our second bowl of salad to come to the table, Crystal mentions that she would like to talk to me about something that she needs to say.  I immediately thought, maybe she wanted just Gage and her to go to Mayo?  As Cassidy watched me, Crystal begins to explain.

“So mom, on Thursday lets say we get to Mayo, my tests run smooth, we go to dinner and then the Farmers Market there.  The next day we go to the doctors visit and everything is good.  Like they don’t find anything.  Wouldn’t that be great!?  And then we could go to the Spirits Team Bonding that night all happy”.

I was like, “Yes I think that would be just perfect”.  Again, I am trying to figure out where she is going with this.  My stomach is getting a little nervous.  Cassidy continues staring and not saying a word.

Then Crystal says, “Now mom, let’s pretend that everything goes good Thursday but then in the doctors office the next day they say, that they see something.  Like it is back.  They are probably going to try to do another test if they can get it in on Friday.  However, a biopsy or anything else would probably get done the following week.  I wouldn’t want to wait.  And mom, you will be out of town”. 

I immediately get sick to my stomach.  I forgot that we would be gone.  I explain that I can cancel that trip with no problems.

Crystal says, “No mom.  I don’t want you to cancel that trip.  As much as I would want you there, I would have guilt of you being there.  I happily married, Gage will be with me.  I want you to go on the trip.  That is it.”  Cassidy then adds, “That is right mom.  And if she needs me, I will go with them too”.

Of course, the mother in me states that we can make this decision  when we get the news.  Crystal says, “No mom.  I don’t want to go over this in the doctors office with all the emotions.  It’s important that we have a plan.  You know that.  So that’s it.  You go on the trip and you have fun.”

Needless to say, she is right.  It is what I have told her for the last five years.  But goodness she is not a mom and she is now 26 telling me what I am going to do, how could I have fun?  Yep, I was very sick to my stomach, I didn’t eat salad I got breadsticks and dumped them into ranch dressing.  Yes, I am emotionally eater.  I did meet up with some friends that took my mind off of the topic which was nice.  Rod and I are proud of her planning out her steps as difficult as it can be.

On another note, some of you have seen the “new” Crystal T-Shirts.  Yes, we only have a couple left.  I actually got the idea from Facebook but changed “Rosie the Riveter” to our “Crystal”.

Thank you again in advance for the love. 

A bump in the road…

Written on Sunday, June 24th @ 2:30pm

It is a sunny day here in Iowa.  It’s a day of getting the house picked up, getting laundry done while Rod is outside working. I have some music on, the Goo Goo Dolls.  I’m missing my Calvin, who is usually snuggled up against me when I write these updates.  Instead I have a cold glass of water next to me, as I’m looking out the window at the bird feeder watching the Squirrel enjoying it a little more today than usual.  I sit here and think to myself, how to do update with a positive spin.

The ride to Mayo, was a raining one.  As I drove, Crystal sat up front with me and Gage in the back.  The music, of course was on and we knew that there was some road construction coming up, so we were going to take a different route.  I didn’t write about it in the last update but Crystal is fighting a bad cold.  She actually has been sick a lot this last year so trying to keep her Spirits up when she is already not feeling good can be difficult.  However, I love that the three of us get along and can chat about anything.

We arrived at Mayo, it was cold and rainy but after checking into our hotel we knew we would be pretty much inside all day.  All her tests went smooth.  However, she did get to peek at her blood work and we could see that a couple of the tests were off, which of course made you start thinking, what if???

Mayo, has made some changes.  They have a new computer system, a new PA system and a new way to check in at each appointment.  I am sure using that computer screen to check in can be very nerve racking to someone who is much older and not familiar with the computers but they make sure the old way still is available.  I sure like it there.  I like the people, kind, helpful and classy.

Friday morning, we ate a little breakfast and off to the Gonda Building at Mayo.  10th Floor here we come.  We were planning what we would do after the appointment.  For five years, there is a little winery called Four Daughters that I have always wanted to stop at.  So we thought we would go there for lunch before we headed home.

Of course, we sat in the doctors office the exact same way.  We made small talk and laughed at Gage with his little remarks as we waited for the doctors to come in.  We could hear some talking in the hallway, so you stay quiet to see if you think they are taking about Crystal and you’re going learn something before they come in but that is never the case.  You never understand what they are even saying out in the hallway.  The minute the door opens, you are looking for a sign.  And this time, the questions they immediately asked, I got a funny feeling.

Yes, two tumors are in her liver that they can see.  They are in the upper lobe of her liver, so a different location.  One of them is much larger then what I’ve seen before.  There is also two nodules by her lungs, at this time they are just watching them.  They are not sure what those are.  It is crazy that in 5 months this is what shows up.  It’s scary.

How did we react?  Crystal was quiet, taking it in and in shock.  Gage was positive, thinking of a plan and supportive.  Mom, I let out tears.  I started to cry.  I couldn’t help it.  And when Crystal’s little head turned towards me and those eyes met mine.  I told her I was sorry, as we both reached for the Kleenex.  I felt bad that she saw me cry.  I didn’t want to hear that news.  And the selfish side of me, didn’t want to do this again.  I am not even the one who is fighting.  I hate cancer.

Why does this happen?  Why her?  Why my family?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Another reminder, we are not in charge of our path.  A reminder to me, she is terminally ill.  She has a chronic illness.  They have said it to us over and over, it’s just that you easily forget when she have been doing so well for the last two years.  And then you immediately thank God for the last two wonderful years.  It’s exhausting.

We learn that her surgery will be approximately 8 hours, she will also be doing a new type of scan and all of that will be taking place the last week in July. 

As we begin our drive home, we have a very busy weekend planned.  I do my best to stay focused on the busy weekend and what I need to get done keeps replaying in my head.  As we get closer to the winery, Gage mentions are we going to stop?  I state we really don’t need to.  Crystal remarks she is not hungry.  Gage says lets just stop to see it, your mom has always wanted too.  So I pulled in.  Needless to say, we bought some goodies.  And loved it there.  Gage was so kind, knowing that the last week of July Rod and I will be celebrating our “Golden” Anniversary, so he remarks maybe Rod and you could come here for dinner while I sit with Crystal at the hospital.  So kind of him to think of that.  Our anniversary is not until the 28th, hopefully we will be home by then.  And I am thinking to myself, my mother is retiring the end of July and she will be watching her granddaughter fight again.  Isn’t life a ride?

I know a lot of you don’t have social media, or maybe we are not friends on social media.  I usually post on that, so that is how some people already had the news.  I received a couple of messages on that, where someone was thinking it was a rumor.  It was just that I had made a post and had not had the time to update her story.

On another note, we had a very busy weekend planned.  I must admit.  I had no desire to do any of it.  Same with Crystal.  But keeping busy, staying around positive people is good for the soul.  That by the end of the night, Crystal and I said I am so glad we had something to do.  Funny how that works.  How uplifting that can be.

We had a Spirits Team Bonding event Friday evening.  Once we got there, it was a blast.  You forget how many people do follow her story on social media, so you found FB friends coming up to you saying prayers, you’re an inspiration, you’ve got this,  which is such a blessing to hear but tearful at the same time especially when it is a night out.  We chose later that evening to go to Kaitlin’s home vs anywhere else so you could get a break from it.

Then Saturday, was a fun filled waterpark day and fireworks with family.  So today, I am exhausted.  With the worry before the appointment, the tears at the appointment and all of the events going on, I am definitely looking forward to getting away.  Which brings me to another blessing.  I am going on my vacation and I will not be missing anything.  Crystal and Gage will get to go on their big vacation in July and will live every moment of it to its fullest.  We will all get to go to the concert at the Great Jones County Fair as a family before that last week of July.  So see, I found a positive spin.

You know I get a lot of messages or remarks about how much you love our family.  Or how you wish you had a family like ours.  I even get, I wish I had a great marriage like yours.  I usually don’t say anything unless you know me personally but I can tell you it is work.  It is sacrificing on both sides.  I choose not to write about negative things all the time, I choose to look for the good and ignore the gossip but that does not mean it is a piece of cake.  It doesn’t mean I found my soulmate and we don’t fight.  It doesn’t mean my daughters are perfect.  It doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes.  It means that you look for the good.  You think of your future and push through.  Yes live in the moment but the choices you make will determine your future.  You ask God to give you strength and then you do the hardest part.  You wait.  You give it time.  You trust him, even if you think he is wrong.  You forgive, I didn’t say forget, I said forgive. I try hard to not be around people that bring me down.  I remind myself that you can’t compete with gossip and liars.  I tell myself if they do it with you, they will do it to you.  And everything that is worth it, takes work.  Did I think I would be married 28 years?  Sure when I said my vows but life gets in the way and trying to focus and figure out that path is hard.  Life is not easy but I sure would not want to be anywhere else at this time in my life.  God knows my family needs me and at the end, hopefully it inspires others to think.