July 2018

We are home.

Written Saturday, July 28th @ 4:45pm

Today we walked out of the doors at the Mayo Clinic Hospital, Saint Mary’s Campus. 28 years ago we were walking out of the church doors after saying, I do. Both photos we are happy, one of them we are looking our best and ready for our new journey, the other photo…we are exhausted. Trusting God, trusting this path. Happy “Golden” Anniversary Rod. 28 years on the 28th of July. And what a beautiful gift to bring our daughter home.

#happyanniversary #goldenanniversary #28years #lifeisajourney @ Mayo Clinic Hospital, Saint Marys Campus

 

She is staying another extra night…

Written Friday, July 27th @ 1:30pm

Crystal looks so peaceful right now as I sit next her. I tucked her in, tickled her arms until she fell asleep and now I’m playing catch up to all your messages. Crystal will be staying another extra night at the hospital as we try to get her pain under control.
Today, Crystal did get up and walk… She stared out the window. She doesn’t say much, it hurts to talk, to eat, to smile. She has made remarks that she never wants to do this again.
Rod has gone home to work for a day and will come back tonight. Cassidy came up yesterday ready to do anything for her sister, Courtney surprised us this morning with help from Cassidy. My mom, Shari has not left and Gage has been a phenomenal husband💜

 

Surgery is over.

Written Wednesday, July 25th at 5:20pm

As we walk into Crystals hospital room after surgery, she lays there so still. It looks like she is barely breathing. It’s actually difficult as mother to watch her lay there like that. I could feel my tears.  You can see the pain in her face even with her eyes closed. Little smirks when we ask a question. Even a little nod.  But really after a surgery, you want it quiet. You don’t want to talk, you want to rest. We hung her poster for her doctors and nurses to sign and went to the waiting room.

I had to go back to the room real quick, to see the doctors name on the board. As I quietly walk into the room. I see her eyes open. She says mom I need water. She looks sad, she looks like she is gonna cry but she takes her drink. I ask her if she needs me to stay, she says no, can you shut the door. I slip out of the room with a few tears.

We meet with the medicine doctor on the floor this evening. There is a concern with her kidneys with the dye still in it, they will work all night to flush it out to make sure there is no problem with the kidneys. So please pray for that. Please pray for her pain to go away.

But now for the other side, the moment Doctor Schmit and his nurse come to talk with us after her long surgery. I can see at the other end of the waiting room he is walking towards us, I think he is smiling. Dr. Schmit begins to tells us he has done many ablations in his life but this one was the most difficult one he has done in a year.  He apologized for how long it took. The first tumor was easy but the others were difficult. After more time with a doctor that didn’t give up , he got them. He got all of them!!!  And the one that is questionable, he has disregarded. We were all shocked, happy and listening to everything so closely. Crystal has her team as the doctors have theirs.

She is going to be in pain for awhile. It is going to be a long road. But with prayers, positive people surrounding her & goals ahead of her, she will be just fine. We’ve got this! 

God is good. Thank you all for your support. Now I need just a little time to myself….

She is in Surgery…

Written Wednesday, July 25th @ 9:00am

We sit in a large waiting room, there is only one other family in here.  I’m a little chilled, thank goodness I brought a cardigan.  I feel exhausted, my eyes are heavy and I’m thinking I need to get a coffee.  Rod is playing games on his phone, Gage is picking out new phone case for Crystal, my mom is writing thank you’s from her thoughtful gifts she received and I am thinking I need to do a little update before that coffee.

We had to be at St. Mary’s this morning at 5:30am.  I can tell you Crystal has had a good morning.  Yes, she is nervous but the same kind of nervous before a surgery.  We are also the same kind of nervous too.  Crystal has smiled and laughed, we actually all laughed this morning for about 45 minutes.  So I guess we can say it’s been a good morning.

Yesterday was long.  Very Very long.  We left our hotel at 5:45am. Tests began at 6:15am. Crystal finished her MRI, blood work, the New Nuclear Medicine Pet MRI Scan…which scared her to death.  She doesn’t want to do that one again. She said she about cried & had to stop. Crystal had to lay there as they took this big fat tube filled with nuclear radioactive stuff and injected it into her arm.  It was very uncomfortable, it hurt going in she explained. Then she had to relax and sit in the dark for about an hour.  Before going into the machine she had to put on this huge helmet, laid strapped down, with a help button in her hand.  She could not move at all, as they slowly moved her into the MRI Machine for 45 minuets and then another scan for 35 minuets. She said she did good for about the first 20 minutes, then she got an itch on her face and realized she really couldn’t get it.  It was taking her breath trying to wrinkle up her nose, the tears came, the worry came and then she talked to herself, she calmed herself down.

Crystal finally got to eat a bagel around 4pm. Crystal’s Surgical Team meeting was about 4:30pm. And our meeting with her doctors at 5:30pm. It was 6:30pm when we finally got some dinner.

We learned that the Dodatate Pet Scan worked for her type of tumors. With that being said, we have of course the two tumors from the last MRI that they can see, but we have found two new ones, with one of them being just as big as the other tumors from the previous scan. What is scary, is that they can’t say if it has grown that large in less than a month or if it just didn’t show up on that last scan? There is also a questionable lesion that they will be looking at closer today.

Our doctors are confident, we are confident.  But that doesn’t mean that mom, doesn’t cry and worry.

As for the love we are receiving, it is wonderful.  It is beautiful.  I have received a few messages that have touched my heart.  I have asked God do really deserve all of this support?  I have found myself looking around Mayo, feeling guilty that we have so many people that care, that are reaching out, that are taking the time to share their feelings.  I wondered, if others here that are sick had the same uplifting people in their lives.

As we walked over to the hospital this morning, I made a remark to Gage about when Crystal was first diagnosed. I was telling him that she had a fundraiser, a Dance-A-Thon.  I had to speak at it, I was scared and nervous.  I was happy and sad all at the same time.  It was humbling I told him and I explained how I was telling the crowd of people how it could be worse.  That it was horrible, shocking and sad what we were going through but it could be so much worse.  Crystal is still here with us, she was not taken suddenly or by a car accident or by someone who had taken her to harm her.  I knew where she was, she was with me.  I couldn’t imagine not knowing where she was.  I couldn’t imagine how a parent would feel not knowing.  I don’t think I could handle that.  So I will take this battle over that one.  The crazy thing about that remark was the next day they found those three women who were kept captive.  I believe they were missing for about 10 years.  So many of you from that Dance-A-Thon reached out.  They couldn’t believe I had just spoke something about that.  I must admit it did give me goosebumps.  And now today, we have a girl, a young beautiful girl missing from Iowa, Mollie Tibbetts.  It breaks my heart for her parents, her family, her friends.  I can’t even begin to feel the pain they feel.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  So I will take the prayers we are getting for my daughter and I will ask God to listen to them and if you need some more for Mollie, I know our family will share.

A big week.

Written on Monday July 23rd @ 7:45am

I sit here in the peace and quiet.  No kids, no music, no television.  No talking, no dog wanting my attention and I am packed ready to leave.  I am thinking of everything I want to get off my chest, what I need to say, and it overwhelms me.  I am looking at the most beautiful yellow roses from my dear friend Shannon.  I reread a beautiful card our sweet neighbor Michele wrote.  I stare at the paperwork from the “Crystal T-Shirts” and I am thinking, over 200 people will be wearing them Wednesday.  Such a blessing.

I can tell you July has been a busy month.  We celebrated the 4th of July, went to dinner with some dear friends, went to Uptown Friday Night, had a birthday celebration for Rod’s dad turning 80.  Then it was time to wish Crystal & Gage a happy 2 years before they headed off to Maine for their vacation.  Gave Courtney and Alec hugs before they were off to Nashville.  My nephew Colby turned 20.  We had parades, we had fairs, tractor pulls, and awesome concerts.  And then my beautiful mom finally retired from Coe College.  Yes, we stayed busy.  Very busy.

A lot of you are asking when her surgery is.  Here is a little info.  We leave for Mayo Monday, today.  She will have testing all day Tuesday.  She will be very hungry with having to stop eating early this evening because her tests start at 6am and I believe she will get to eat after 4pm, then meeting with her surgical team and her doctors.  Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday.  So if you are looking for a day to wear purple, zebra or one of Crystal’s Fighting Shirts…Then that is the day.

Some of you are seeing some fundraisers on FB.  Yes, they are legit.  Thank you for asking.

We had a few moms in our studio get together and do a Go Fund Me Page.  I must admit, it was difficult to think about all of this again. It is humbling, exhausting, and it is very hard to just say Thank You.  It was very hard to read what they wrote as well.

I also have a good friend who owns Dirty Shirley’s (88 16th Avenue SW, Cedar Rapids) and is doing a benefit for the day.  10% of all proceeds from the day will go to Crystal.  They will all be wearing her shirts, so please stop in and have a drink, don’t forget to take a pic too.  And this big day, will be the day of her surgery… Wednesday!  Again, Thank You.

As for the t-shirts, we sold over 200, that will be taking care of the hotel expenses, gas, food for this trip and possible the next one too!  Thank YOU ALL!

As I was talking with a friend, telling them how I felt with everything going on.  Discussing the fundraising that is happening and how I just feel so weird with it all.  I can’t even describe it.  But that friend made it clear to me to embrace it.  To say Thank You and that is it, because people do care and want to help.  I really needed to hear that, it help me just let go and put it in God’s hands.

Now how is mom doing?  It has been very difficult.  She has been on vacation so I think with her being gone, made it hard for me to stay strong.  Also, with her t-shirt sales I got to visit with a lot of people that are her prayer warriors.  So lots of wonderful vibes, yet many tears.  Not including, she got her news and then we wait before we could do anything, that seemed so hard this time.

Now how is the family holding up?  I think we do good as a family.  I think we are positive.  We keep busy.

How is Crystal?  Well, she looks great.  She is smiling.  She is busy.  I am not sure if I told you all but for Easter we had gotten our family tickets to Kid Rock.  Never dreamed it would be the last big night out before Crystals big week.  So Saturday we are all smiles, having a great night, and then right before Kid Rock comes out… Crystal, standing next to me, says hey mom, I have been wanting to tell you that since our trip I have been sick.  I have some pain in my abdominal area and I get very nauseas when I eat or drink anything.  I feel it might be the cancer.  Gage has been wanting me to tell you but I also didn’t want to worry you since I was gone.  Anyway, I am glad that I am going to Mayo this week.  Then she walked over to stand next to Gage.  Yep, my heart broke.  I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s night.  I just sat there taking it in.  I saw Rachel who is on my dance team and quietly said something to her so I could get it off my chest and then boom the concert began and I asked God to get me through the night.  As for Kid Rock, thank you for taking me away for a couple of hours and a fun ride home talking about how great of a night it was.

As for yesterday, my mother had a little surprise at a luncheon we did for Crystal.  I didn’t want to ignore that my mom had retired.  Needless to say, it was perfect.  In Crystal’s words, I loved watching grandma & Bob.  They were so shocked and it made them so happy.  I loved it.  They deserved it for everything they have done for us.  Well said Crystal.  It is amazing what a bunch of cards in the mail can do to put a smile on someones face.  Maybe that is it, today we should all send a card in the mail to someone we are thinking about.  After you put that stamp on it, you smile too.

Happy 4th of July

Written on Tuesday, July 3rd @ 2:45pm

It sure is hot outside today so I think I will sit in the air conditioning an answer a few of your questions.

Question 1:  Yes, Rod and I had a nice get away with my uncle and aunt.  While we were away, it was difficult to receive a text from Crystal who was still not feeling the best.  She was heading to the doctors to hopefully get a antibiotic.  Of course I continued to check on her while we were gone.  When she started to feel better, I was so relieved.  The day before we were to come home we chatted on the phone about how she was feeling, how her sisters were doing, work and the Freedom Festival Parade coming up.  After that phone call I received a text, “Mom, I hope you guys are having a great trip!  I didn’t even ask how it was going.  Sorry.  I just hate that my cancer is back. I am probably more sad then sick.”  That is a hard text to get when you’re away.

When we were coming home, Crystal made a remark that there would be only two Uptown Friday Nights that she might be able to do.  One being that Friday night and she would like to go.  I said isn’t really hot and humid there, as I am getting on the plane?  She didn’t care about that, she wanted to go.  So, off the plane and onto Uptown we went.  Gotta enjoy those special times.

Question 2:  Yes, Crystal is still dancing.  You would not know that her cancer is back.  She has been sick a lot this year but just like all of us can be with a cold, bronchitis, walking pneumonia, that is what is so sad about cancer, sometimes you are sick and you don’t know.  But dance, takes her away from the worries for a moment.  She loves it, just like her mom.  I think I have stated this before, that this dream that I started 25 years ago, must of been for her and I had no idea.  All along I thought it was just my journey.  When Crystal is feeling blue those students make her smile.  Here is a couple of little stories.

Story 1:  At the counter, a Tiny Spirit states, I like your zebra (which sits behind the desk).  Crystal explains, well that is my type of cancer.  And that 7 year old goes, so you got bit by a zebra and now you have zebra cancer?  Crystal said to me, Mom, I think that mother was horrified but it actually made my night.

Story 2:  In class a Tiny Spirit says, my mom & I got into a fight.  I am not talking to her right now.  Crystal says, well I get into arguments with my mom too.  That little girl looks at Crystal and states, well you and your mom live in this big apartment so you can get away from each other (Big apartment, meaning the dance studio in Lindale Mall, thinking we live there?).  hehehe

Question 3:  Not sure yet where the Studio will be next year.  Since I am celebrating 25 years of the CR Spirits Professional Dance Team & Studio I have been thinking of changing it up.  The goal was to let Crystal run with it, but she has no desire if I am not involved.  We came up with an idea before her big appointment and now that has changed everything.  So at this time I wait, I look for signs and I ask God for guidance.  I love this job.  I have been fortunate enough to have been given this gift to dance, choreograph, travel, meet others, build women up, surround myself, my family, my studio with wonderful opportunities and in the end prayer warriors.  It is nerve racking to change a path that you only know.  It is scary as you get older to try something new.  It is even more heartbreaking, to make a change when your daughter who fights for her life doesn’t want it to go anywhere because she believes strongly, it has helped her fight this battle.  So again, I will wait for a path to show up…

Question 4:  The t-shirts we sold will be going towards the hotel stay, food, gas whatever little things come up.  These last two years have been a miracle.  Crystal, Gage, Rod and I try to split the travel costs up as families.  Crystal has been fortunate that the cancer has stayed away and her $7000 every appointment costs have been covered by insurance.

However, this one will be different.  Not only is there a surgery involved, but lots of testing, including this new scan that costs around $20,000.  Insurance struggles with covering it because it is a new type of scan, I believe.  Yes, yes, the doctors will request it and we will fight it but it is still a worry.  When Crystal had learned of this, the guilt set in.  Gage works hard, she would be needing so much money.  She turns to me and says, “Mom that is too much money.  Like I am going to have to see if insurance is going to cover this.”  It broke my heart.  I immediately said your dad and I will take care of it, we will figure it out, you will do that scan if they want you too.  You know, that is one thing that was good about her being younger and not married.  We didn’t give her a choice, she didn’t have to worry.  She just had to fight.  Anyway, Crystal made many long phone calls, she has learned that if it doesn’t cover she will be responsible for at least $9200 for that scan and of course whatever else might come up.

With that being said, we will be selling t-shirts again.  They’re $20 each, we would like to place the order by Thursday, July 12th so they would be back in time for her big week.

Question 5:  I enjoy staying busy.  I enjoy people.  I get my energy from others.  Yes, it can be tiring and when I need it, I rest.  We are close to our daughters and their friends, that truly is a blessing.  I feel lucky.  

You know it is funny.  You have children.  You think that when they are 18 you are done raising them.  Once you get them out of high school, you can say I did it and I am done.  Actually I think there are a lot of people out there that do do that.  I think there are a lot people out there, that have children for a paycheck.  Having children and raising them are two different things.  It is exhausting to repeat yourself, it is exhausting to remind them constantly of things you don’t agree with.  It is exhausting being a good parent.  Anyway that is another topic.  But my mother would say to me, when you have them you will always have a worry for the rest of your life.  You know I would blow her off because I truly didn’t get it, I wanted a family.  I seriously was so young.  And trust me, that worry is real.  I never want my daughters to loose touch of how close they are.  I worry of their health, their careers, their relationships.  I worry of them being bullied, talked about, lied to.  I worry of them walking to their cars.  A mother’s worry never ends no matter what age.  Ugh  Last night at dance, Crystal says to Katelynn and I, as we were chatting way past dance class.  You know what gives me stress, a lot of stress besides cancer?  Worrying about my sisters.  I hate what goes on in their neighborhoods.  I find myself driving by their homes to make sure they are safe.  I sat in Courtney’s parking lot one night.  I feel like I am always worrying about them, what they’re doing and how they act.  And as I drove home, I thought I never knew she worried that much about her sisters.  A sisters worry.  We raised them right.  They’re close to each other.  I guess that is love.  And we all want to be loved.  We all want to feel love.  And love can be so exhausting.  Unconditional love is the most beautiful thing and can also be the most heartbreaking thing.  

I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July.  Land of the Free, Home the Brave.  Thank you to all who are and have served.