6 years ago today…

Written on Wednesday, March 27th at 11:30am

6 years ago today, around this time in the morning, I was heading to my uncle Bret and aunt Michele’s home to tell the news that we just had just received. I knew that they would help me find a way to tell my mom. Rod, Crystal and I remember sitting at that kitchen table with Bret sitting across from us. I could barley talk. Rod and Crystal were silent.

This week has been extremely hard for me. I think it has been 3 years since I have truly broken down. Sunday, we were on our way home from our Spring Break Vacation to Nashville and what do you do for 9 hours in the car, besides talking, listening to music and looking at the beautiful country side, I guess you also play on your phone, look through your photos and smile. On my TimeHop App it shows memories from this day in the past, I go take a peek and see that 6 years ago we were coming home from Florida on this day.

Gosh do I remember that trip, I remember how sick Crystal was, how we had no idea what was going on. I remember we didn’t do much on that trip because she had no energy. As I begin to start thinking of the last 6 years I realize that everything is coming down to the exact time and day of events.

Instead of coming home Sunday from Florida we were coming home from Nashville.

6 years ago on Monday Crystal was teaching dance in the 5:30-6:30pm time slot when she had an attack at the dance studio, it was scary. I remember standing behind a door in the dance studio calling our family doctor that night. I then start to think my goodness Crystal will be teaching dance again in the 5:30-6:30pm time slot and she will even have a few of the same students in the class. Then my mind races to think of what those students would remember from that night.

I realize quickly that Tuesday, was a scheduled MRI Scan 6 years ago and that this coming Tuesday was going to be a Doctors Appointment at Hall Perrine, blood work and a check up from her last round of chemo.

And then that Wednesday morning walking into our family doctors office, it was quiet and I was ready for answers, I will never forget it. Never.

Which now brings me to Mayo we were immediately going to be seen the following week at Mayo in Rochester, Monday April 1st, 2013 and crazy to think that 6 years later we will be going back to Mayo, Monday April 1st, 2019. The scare, the worry, will never be like the first time but it also never gets easier.

Arriving home from Nashville we all had a wonderful time but for some reason Monday morning hit me hard and the tears would just not stop. I tried so hard to get it out of my system before seeing Crystal that evening at dance. I received a phone call from a friend of mine who could not get me out of her head. As I told Shannon, it has been a horrible day and don’t know why I keep thinking of her cancer. At that moment Crystal walks into the room and sees that I am a mess. She panicked, “Mom what is wrong?” I quickly get off the phone as I try to convince her that really it is nothing, I then thought to myself, tell her the truth. So I said, “Well honey, I seem to be struggling with your cancer today and I just don’t know why, I must be tired”. And she says, “Oh mom, my cancer? Here I thought someone just died. See mom no one died and I am good”. As I stared at her and smiled we both laughed. I told Crystal you are right. I need to embrace this moment. And then I ask Crystal, I know we have sad days but have you been like this where it is uncontrollable because I feel like I have not done that in so long. She explains mom, I am scared, I do worry, I do feel sick but I feel numb to it at the same time. And I told Crystal, yes numb to it, that is a perfect way to say it because that is how I normally feel.

So here we go again Monday, April 1st. I pray, I beg for another miracle for my daughter, for my family. I pray, I beg you all to join me in lifting my family up again at this difficult time.

And I try to remember…

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.  Matthew 6:34 NLT

Happy “New” Birthday Crystal!

1st Round Done…

Written on Thursday, February 21st @ 11:30am

The sun is out in Iowa. It is so bright it hurts your eyes but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

The last update I had told you how Crystal was excited that she would have dance and not another surgery but with this weather we have had, we really have not had dance. But I can tell you she has finished her 1st round of chemo.

How is Crystal doing? Well, she has had some rough days. She has been pretty nauseous but she is pushing though it. Her chemo is just like last time, 14 days on – 14 days off. So as of today, she has a break. She just needs a few more days and hopefully she will be feeling a little more like herself. We did meet with Dr. Wilbur at the Mercy Hall Perrine Cancer Center before she got started with chemo, it brought back memories of last time but Dr. Wilbur’s personality sure makes you smile.

Crystal tries her best to live life normal. She continues to workout, stay positive, and focus on upcoming events. She smiles through it all which makes everyone around her feel positive that she has this but somedays it is hard. Maybe you can say a little prayer for strength right now.

Since our last update we had a fundraiser for Crystal. Mr. B’s and my brother Casey, gave a night to Crystal. The money raised will be going to hotel expenses at our stays in Rochester. Here is a post that I had put on FB…

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a fun night. Let’s see, I smiled, I laughed, I cried that makes for a full night.

I tried my hardest to chat with you all but it just seemed like more people kept coming in and I could never get ahead. I am sorry for all the people that drove there and couldn’t get in. I tried to go outside to see some of you and just know I appreciate you trying. 

As for bartending…Extremely hard job. And I know that no one would ever hire me to do that job again but I loved that I knew most of you around the bar which made it easier. And by the way my daughters did not help behind the bar😂 On another note, people please appreciate your bartenders💜
As for the fundraiser, we are Thankful, so very Thankful💜 Originally we didn’t think Crystal would be able to attend but she didn’t have that surgery and chemo has not started so this was her second fundraiser that she could attend. And she said, “Mom, it’s so nice to see everyone. I can’t believe all the people”.

I also got to witness a thankful huge smile on a couple of faces, their eyes said it all. Crystal and Gage received a beautiful thoughtful gift from her/our family doctor. I must say, it made me cry. Such a kind heart he has and a blessing to call him a dear friend. Thank you.

And of course, Valentine’s Day just happened. Gage sure loves to spoil his wife and I am so thankful that they have each other.

God has given my family many blessings but what is even more important is that he has helped me to see the blessings. I try so hard to focus on that everyday, which in return gives me Peace. It is not that this journey is easy for me, or for us. Somedays I want to cry and give up. Somedays I question God and the deck of cards he has handed me but that helps no one around me and it doesn’t make me feel better. So as they say, I try to be the person that I needed when I was younger.

7 days later…

Written on Thursday, January 17th @ 9:15am

A early morning in Iowa, drinking some coffee and finding sometime to emotionally write. Happy Thursday to our Prayer Warriors.

I can’t believe it has been 7 days. A week ago Crystal was prepped for surgery, the next thing we know, we were getting news that her doctor who was scheduled to do the procedure, had come down with the flu. We were shocked, taken back, decisions had to be made quickly. Crystal remarks, “God is keeping us on our toes’. Crystal listened to her inner voice, we all listened to our inner voice, with the help of your prayers, things turned out well for our fighter.

I did my best to keep you all informed and I sure appreciate the kind words, positive stories and the prayers. I will say again, you can feel the prayers and the love. My first experience with that feeling was when Crystal was first diagnosed. It is an incredible feeling and I have thanked God that I am lucky to feel it.

This lung ablation went a lot smoother then the last procedure. Yes, she was/is tired, it’s hard to breathe, hard to speak, in pain but has kept that under control with the pain meds and is slowly weaning off them now. But after the procedure  she was talking, her face, her coloring was completely different from the last one. Gage, Rod, Shari and I were so relived after seeing her.

The first day was a long day, the blood work, the scans, the MRI, the pulmonary tests, etc. went well. Meeting for the first time her lung surgeon also went well. Matter of fact, she seemed pretty incredible. And then we all sat down with her oncology doctor, Dr. McWilliams, it was hard to hear that they found two more lesions in her right lung and two more lesions in her liver. It was hard to listen and think of the next plan.

The thoughts, the questions you ask yourself quietly as you are hearing the news; So Crystal is going to have the lung ablation that is scheduled but you are not sure you can get all of the lesions when you go into her right lung? Like two of them are too small? But, the one by her airway is very important to get because if it continues to grow, they will have to remove half of her lung? And the only way to try to get it, is by the ablation?  If they can’t get the one by the airway, then we decide if the following surgery for the left lung is something we should do or if we should begin Chemo? And it seems that since May these lesions keep popping up and now are beginning to spread. Can my daughter handle all of these procedures and the Chemo? Like if we do this will she get another two years of no cancer? This is not fair. This is exhausting. I just don’t understand. And then, you look around the room and focus on the moment.

And when you come back to being present in the room you hear, it is like maintaining your yard. When you see a dandelion, you pick it. And then the next day, you see another dandelion, so you pick it. You don’t want those in your yard but by the end of the week you see several dandelions so you decide to treat your whole yard. In this case, that is what we will do, it worked before, Crystal handled the Chemo before, so we treat her body again.

Now to the present.  They did get the two lesions in her right lung, one being the important one by the airway but the other two lesions were too small at this time. Her team of doctors feel that she should hold off on next weeks surgery. Yes, there is a lesion that they surgically can get but they would like to see what happens after a few rounds of Chemo. As for the two in her liver, we are hoping Chemo helps with those as well.

It is sad, it is not what we want to hear. When I called her sisters, they cried, they cried and it killed me. I don’t know why, why Crystal, why our family, why but I will continue to have hope, to believe and to write and beg you to help us through it. 

She will be doing her Chemo here in Cedar Rapids again at the Mercy Hall-Perrine Cancer Center. Her next appointment will be Friday, February 1st. As for now, Crystal says, “Mom, I get to got to dance January 30th”. 

Home.

Written on January 12th @ 4:30pm

On this snowy cold day in a Iowa, I’m thankful that we came home yesterday from Mayo when there was no snow.

Yes, Crystal was able to leave yesterday afternoon. Her sisters, Courtney and Cassidy were there bright and early Friday morning, another reason I’m glad the snow stayed away while these two drove up. Together we all got news that Crystal could go home. 

Crystal is doing well nothing like the last procedure and oh how I’ve thanked God for that. She is resting this afternoon. And again, trust me when I say we can feel the prayers. It’s uplifting and we feel blessed. Thank you. 

I would go into more detail about this experience and a couple of scares but I’m exhausted, I have just been hearing from some of you today wondering when she was going to be going home so I wanted to make sure I could answer your questions. 

Crystals next surgery will be January 24th💜

Thank you again, I could never thank you enough for your prayers and kind words. Through this journey, I’ve learned that there are good people out there, since we seem to always hear about the bad. 

Thank You.

Written on Thursday, January 10th @ 3:15pm

Well we got to see our fighter💜 She looks good, she even talked a bit and now she is going to rest.

As I say to Crystal, another miracle happened, they got the lesions, including the scary one by your airway. Crystal says they did? No one said anything to me yet. What a blessing that we got to see her reaction with the news…bonus.

Thank you all again for loving our daughter, our family, our journey.

Another added stress this morning…

Written on Thursday, January 10th @ 9:05am

Surgery has begun and goodness what a ride of emotions to start. Everything has gone well this early morning but we have learned that Dr. Schmit, who was the doctor who gave us a good feeling at the consultation, is very ill with flu today. We were shocked, nervous and Crystal says, God is keeping us on our toes. Now we had a decision to make, do we cancel and wait until he is better or go with another doctor on her team. Well, a quick meeting with a doctor on her team. Dr. Schmitz, he is kind, he talked about Crystals case with Dr. Schmit yesterday, he stated Dr. Schmit is his mentor and then we learn that his father is from Cedar Rapids and also went to Regis. So….trust your gut. Crystal said I’m at the best place, let’s do it.

 

 

We can feel you, God can hear you.

Written on Wednesday, January 9th @ 10:15pm

Trust me when I say, we can feel your prayers. Todays consultation went well, it was positive and we feel confident. Surgery will be tomorrow morning for the right lung. 

As we drove to Mall of America this afternoon, I stared out the window as Gage drove, the sun was bright and as my eyes filled with tears I thought to myself, I felt good about that last appointment, we all felt good…I can feel those prayers. God is listening, he really is listening.

 

 

 

More Prayers Please

Written on Tuesday, January 8th @ 9:55pm

We are in our hotel, ready for bed. Thank you for the love today and we sure would take some more prayers. Tomorrow morning we have another doctors appointment and at this time surgery is still scheduled for early Thursday morning. 

Here is what we learned today: There are 5 tumors in the lungs now, one still in the left side and now instead of 2 in the right, there are 4. They are going to try to ablate the lung with four on Thursday but one is tricky because it is close to the airway. Then they were thinking about getting the one on the other side in two weeks potentially but we will know more on that one tomorrow. In addition, there are two new tumors in her liver. So the goal after surgery is to do chemo.

Dr. McWilliams is hoping that the chemo will help reduce the others in size and also make stuff go dormant in the body again. Her last doctor had thought that way and then she was good for two years, so the hope is, maybe that would work again. Chemo for 3-6 months is what he is thinking, same chemo as before too. Then after doing Chemo for awhile we can see what the next step should be.

Was it the news we wanted, no but it could be worse. It really could be so much worse. 

It was hard to call Rod and tell him the news, he was shocked that it was back in the liver and I could tell he wanted to be here. And then calling her sisters was even more heartbreaking. I called them each separately and hearing their voice crack, the quietness on the other side, it made me want to see them. I can’t imagine how they are feeling as it is their sister, their best friend.

How is Crystal? Well, she woke up today feeling under the weather. Crystal is fighting a terrible cold, so trying to do all these tests and get that news and not feel 100% is frustrating. It’s hard to stay positive when it seems like you keep getting knocked back but we are doing our best and trusting our path.

Tonight at dinner Crystal said, “Mom, remember when we were little and if it was late or if we were busy all day and we would be getting home late, you would ask us what our plan was when we would get home? Remember? And then we would have us say what the plan was and then that is what we would do. Well mom, I still do that and right now I have a plan when we get back to the hotel room and what we are gonna do”. You know it’s funny, I remember that when they were little it helped me keep them organized and helped them feel big making their own agenda. Sometimes it would be as simple as…I’m going to take off my shoes, clean out my book bag, get ready for bed, eat a snack and then read before bed. Each one would tell me their plan… Oh how I wish it was that simple. 

2019 we are ready to fight!

Written on Friday, December 4th @ 12:00pm

How were your holidays? Did you find your blessings? Do you have goals set for 2019? I know our holidays were good, I know we found our blessings and our goals are set. However, we do know someone else knows our future, our path and I sure hope he is giving us strength and listening to our prayers.

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9 

Since our last update we have been pretty busy.

You know when the girls were little I would always surprise them with little things to do together. I never really thought of them growing up and showing the same love. I received a group text from Crystal, Courtney and Cassidy to be ready at 8:30am, we will be picking you and grandma (Shari) up.  We had no idea what we were doing but we were ready. They took us to a very early morning movie to see the Grinch. It was a perfect way to start the holidays off. Actually that morning it was fun to see other moms in the theater with their little little ones. Listening to the little ones made you smile and take you back. I needed that.

Next thing you know, we are celebrating Thanksgiving. Rod is an amazing cook. We make a good team, I clean, he cooks and together we watch everyone enjoy.

We also celebrated Cassidy and my mother’s Birthday by going to “Elf”. It was a fun night out to dinner, then seeing a show as a family. On Cassidy’s actual birthday we took a limo ride and looked at Christmas Lights. It was relaxing. Rod and I had bid on that limo ride at a fundraiser for someone else who is battling cancer, crazy how that worked very well for our family and making memories while helping someone else.

Christmas is always at our home with my family on Christmas Eve. The girls had a wonderful Christmas however, Courtney was very ill. It is funny how we worried so much about Crystal and then here, Courtney was struggling. It is so hard to watch the ones you love be sick. As Courtney cried to me she says, “Mom, I think I just needed to cry and I know it’s not cancer.” Gosh I must say that broke my heart to hear her say that. But Courtney was feeling much better in a few days after Christmas.

Crystal is the one that decided our New Year’s Eve plans. She just wanted everyone over to her home to play games. And that is what we did. Board Games & Mario Kart = Laughs & Smiles.

Now the questions, how is Crystal doing? How are we doing? Well, Crystal looks wonderful as always. We did have a scare during this month with a mole that popped up out of no where, she of course had to have a biopsy and they also did a biopsy on her head for the alopecia. The results from her mole came back good however her alopecia is an aggressive form (Lichen Planopilaris). It broke my heart as Crystal got her news and explained it to me. Why does she keep getting stuff? On another note, Crystal is still dancing but at our last practice it was very hard for her to breathe. She gets upset. It frustrates her that she struggles with breathing when she is trying to do the things she normally does but yet she has not let that slow her down. Crystal has said she can tell she is more short tempered. She snaps. She gets frustrated. Crystal said she loved her holidays but they were different. And I would have to agree.

I did really enjoy our holidays. However, I found myself anxious for January, wanting to know the next step. Wanting to know the outcome, wanting everything to be back to normal. I had to say to myself multiply times, live in the moment. Another thing, I find myself wanting to talk to God and pray and yet not wanting too. I actually have been doing that the last few months. I have come to the conclusion it is because then I have to think about our circumstances and what we are going through when I ask for a miracle, guidance and help. It just makes me sad, I just don’t want to do that, I don’t want to feel it. So I say nothing. I say Thank You. I pray quickly. I don’t even know if that is the right thing to do but telling you all seems to make me feel better.

I would like to take a moment and thank a family for the generous gift to a movie and dinner, just so you know Novak’s we will be getting that in this weekend before we leave. Also, my cousin Kathy…it was fun to get our nails done at dance practice.

Yesterday the sun, the weather here in Iowa was beautiful and today it is repeating itself. Go enjoy it, take a walk, take a deep breath that is what I am going to do.

Crystal’s next appointment at Mayo with testing will start at 7:00am on Tuesday, January 8th. It is a full day of tests, new tests, doctor visits, surgeon visits and then more tests on Wednesday, January 9th. Her surgery is schedule for early Thursday morning.

We have four options.  They are the facts.  1.) There could be a miracle with all of these prayers & those tumors could be gone.  2.) Those tumors may not have grown, they may not be able to get them but they are planning.  Those doctors are focused to get them.  3.) They have grown, they have not multiplied, they are going to operate and yes your lung can collapse, the pain, the journey is scary but we want them out of there.  So you fight.  4.) They have grown, they have spread and we will have to figure out a form of chemo.  Oh my beautiful daughter, the one that made me a mom.  I hate your fight, I wish I could take it for you.

20 Days Later.

Written on Tuesday, November 20th @ 8:40pm

Sitting on the couch, listening to Christmas music, sipping on cold water and thinking, we need to always look for the good.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  A time to find those blessings and a time to remember to be thankful for what you have because it can always be worse.

Well, since I last updated you, I have had time to be upset, sad, mad and not focused.  It lasted about 4 days.

As you recall Crystal received her news that her tumors had spread to her lungs on October 31st, Halloween.  Now what you may have not known is Crystal and Gage were going on vacation the following day, November 1st.  Some dear friends of theirs had gotten married and invited people to join them on their vacation to the Dominican.  Crystal had no time to be sad, mad or worried.  She was in shock and then getting on a plane.  I would say a great form of medication for her.

As I received her text messages and her snapchat stories I could tell she was having the time of her life.  Thankful for Gage, a strong, confident, positive husband.  Who enjoys living life and making sure she stays just as positive.  They compliment each other well.

As for mom, on Thursday, I was in shock and sad.  Friday, Saturday and Sunday I tried so hard to think of the holidays, Cassidy’s Birthday, Christmas gift ideas, Amanda’s upcoming wedding but I found myself crying or just tearing up.  I could tell the people I would bump into when I was out and about didn’t know what to say to me.  They would be quiet and smile with a sad stare.  I then found myself feeling horrible for them, such an awkward feeling.  And usually after starting up a conversation, we all would begin crying.  Bumping into Emily and her family while we were shopping, even Cassidy had to walk away.

I even caught myself on social media getting upset when I would see a post from someone having a bad day, I would think, that’s a bad day?  And then I would have to remind myself we all have a story.

So Monday morning comes, I lay in bed not wanting to get up.  Almost 5 days of that attitude.  I didn’t have dance that week which was perfect because I didn’t have to see anyone.  As I lay there, I am thinking so this is gonna be my life.  I am just going to pout, be sad, not be motivated because I know the future?  Like I am allowing this?  I am going to show my daughters that life throws you a curve and it’s over?  I mean it is okay to be sad and mad for a few days but I sure in the heck don’t want to live in that frame of mind more than a few days.  Crystal is going to come home from vacation to a mother who is depressed and then she will begin to worry about me.  And that was it, I got out of bed, immediately went to the basement and decided a deep cleaning would be a good thing to do to keep my mind busy.  I cleaned and cleaned, periodically thought of my daughters, my life, the holidays, my family, my childhood, my friends, my dear friends.  And by that evening, I decided for the first time to put my tree up early.  Rod came home and was relaxing after a long day at work, then he heard some crazy noises downstairs, as he comes down the steps he asked me what I was doing with a funny look on his face.  I said, keeping my mind busy, focusing on happier times with the holidays coming.  He went back upstairs which I thought, I am not crazy.  Next thing I know he came back down and staring helping with the tree.  I was up very late that night making sure that basement was perfect.

Now comes Tuesday…I didn’t want to get out of bed again, but then it felt so good yesterday to accomplish something.  So I got up, made some coffee, started laundry and began a long day of book-work.  It felt good to get a jump start on taxes and figure our holiday budget too.  

But when Wednesday came, I was struggling.  I could feel the happiness I had for Crystal’s vacation and then suddenly getting upset for the worry I will have in January.  Life is not fair.  I am not sure what to think but I didn’t allow that negative thinking to continue.  I got up, made that coffee and deep cleaned the upstairs for Thanksgiving.  Again, I cleaned and cleaned.  Rod comes home from a very long day at work, it is late, I look at him as he had tracked mud throughout the house.  I think he could tell I wanted to flip out but instead of being angry (trust me, it does annoy me, it would be like my following him around at work and pulling out every nail he just pounded in) I looked at him and said Rod, you know the work Crystal and I wanted done at the dance studio?  I think we should do it, I think we should start tonight.  I only have a few days before she is home.  I want to surprise her, I want her to see we are not giving up.  I want her to see that we will still keep planning.  After Rod had tracked in mud, I think that helped him not say No to me.  Instead he said get your coat, let’s go.  And as we drove to the studio, I thanked him for caring and for having the talent to do that kind of work.  Courtney had to work late as she does on Wednesdays but Cassidy she was ready to tear down that wall.  It felt good, it felt right, it felt positive, it felt up-lifting.  We took some anger out on that wall and left it at that.

Rod and I worked at the studio Thursday evening.  And then early Friday morning, I had called my mom to talk about Crystal coming home and how Crystal stated this was the best vacation she had ever had.  That she wants the whole family to go there next year.  That she had the time of her life and loved the people she was with.  As my mother asks  what I am doing today, I explain I have to finish this studio, it is a surprise for Crystal.  She will see that we are not giving up.  Trust me, I even questioned doing this work when come January who knows what will happen but I have to try.  I have to keep living.  My mom offers to come to the studio and help, I really didn’t want my mom to feel she had to be there all day but she insisted.  And I am so very grateful that she did.  14 hours straight of updating/cleaning that dance studio.  I could have never done it by myself.  I rehung every poster/calendar/photo in order of starting this business.  After talking to my mom, Rod and her sisters we decided to say nothing to Crystal until Monday when we were going to work.

After enjoying Crystal and Gage being home and hearing all about their trip.  It was already Monday.

Picking Crystal up for work and I could tell something was wrong.  She says, Mom I have horrible news.  I got it about 5 hours ago.  I needed time to myself to take it in.  Mayo called me.  I will be going back January 8th with testing for two days, some of the testing is the same but there is more new tests.  Not including I have more doctors added to my team of doctors I already have.  They have scheduled a surgery on the 10th for one of my lungs.  They will do each lung separate just incase one were to collapse.  Then two weeks later if everything is good, they will have surgery on the other lung.  Mom, what are we going to do about dance?  I want to dance mom and it’s like everything is in the way.  Why is this happening?  I didn’t even want to go to the studio today, I just keep crying.  It makes me so sad.

I took a deep breath, as I listened to her.  I even thought to myself, not only was it great that she got to have that wonderful vacation.  But with her leaving it gave me a week to cry, be sad, be angry and not feel like I had to be positive because she was home and would need me.  Maybe God gave me that time to find my focus?  As I explained to Crystal, be sad, be mad, cry, sleep I did it for four days.  I couldn’t find my focus.  You my sweetie have not had time to do that.  You have been on the go, so take that time.  You deserve.  You’re right, I dont’ know what to do about dance but you know what I do know?  We need to keep planning.  We can’t stop.  We can’t give up.  We have four options.  They are the facts.  1.) There could be a miracle with all of these prayers & those tumors could be gone.  2.) Those tumors may not have grown, they may not be able to get them but they are planning.  Those doctors are focused to get them.  3.) They have grown, they have not multiplied, they are going to operate and yes your lung can collapse, the pain the journey is scary but we want them out of there.  So you fight.  4.) They have grown, they have spread and we will have to figure out a form of chemo.  Oh my beautiful daughter, the one that made me a mom.  I hate your fight, I wish I could take it for you.

As I open the doors to the studio she looks at me and says, Mom did you? Her arms wrapped around me as she cried and said Thank You Mom, I needed this.  I need to keep moving forward.  Just then her dad walks in and smiles and says what is all this crying about?  

I find it interesting that we did everything we could to get that studio ready in three days. for her new journey that she wanted so bad with he Spirits.  The timing of Mayo calling, our drive to Lindale Mall with the heartfelt conversation and then her seeing the studio.  I feel God planned it that way.  I can’t explain the joy of us hugging her and actually seeing her find hope with staying focused on living life, on planning, on moving forward.

As for Crystal, she is putting up her tree, excuse me, trees.  She is thankful for all of the support, kind words, thoughtful messages.  She is ready to enjoy her holidays.  And as I explained to the family again this year, embrace this holiday because you never know if you will all be together for the next one.

 

 

 

Driving Home…

Written on Thursday, November 1st @ 8:15am

What a long day.  Crystal’s last appointment for the day was at 4:05pm.  We had been up already for 12 hours and still had our drive home.  The day comes with anxiety, your emotions are all over the place and that alone can make you exhausted.  We sat in the doctors office just like we always do, Crystal, Gage, Mom and Dad sitting on the bench waiting for the news.  Each of us have our own thoughts, each of us make small talk and somehow we all find time to giggle.  As the nurse finishes taking her blood pressure, the velcro from taking the cuff off her arm seemed loud to me that day, which I thought to myself, it’s funny how that sound almost makes me sad anymore.  The door opens and in walks her doctor in his orange tie.  So nice looking, reserved and polite.  And we hear her news.

The liver has two spots that they’re watching and they still are not sure what they are.  We did know of those spots and we are very happy that those are the same.  Such wonderful news.  But the new news is, it has moved to her lungs.  Since June’s appointment the spots in her lungs have grown and a new one has been found.  We also know that the spots are too little at this time to try get.  Two tumors in the right lung and one tumor in the left.  We have options, we wait until January, see if more multiply, see if they grow and then we try to go get them.  We could also go back on chemo to hopefully keep them from growing and multiplying, there is no guarantee with that and then she could end up being on chemo for the rest of her life.  There is also a few other things that she might be able to do.  I tried my very best not to cry as I ask the doctor if she was your daughter what would you tell her to do…and he says as he looks at Crystal.  I think you should enjoy your holidays, the spots are small and we wait to see what they do.  So that is our plan.  We wait, we pray, we trust, we believe and we do our very best to not take these holidays for granted.

As we walk out of the office we hug each other, we say it’s not the news we wanted to hear but now we enjoy the holidays, we have a plan.  Crystal is quiet, Rod is quiet, Gage calls his family, Crystal asks me to call her sisters and then I call my mom.  We make a plan to meet at BWW when we get back into town.

We stop at a gas station not to just get gas but to get some chocolate, some candy, I guess it’s our Halloween Candy for the ride home.  As Gage and Rod get out of the car, Crystal says, “Mom, I just want to dance.  Don’t quit the studio, I need the Professional Team, I want to perform this year.  I really need to mom”.  I said okay, we’ve got this.  I took a deep breath, I could feel my tears.  The boys get back in the car and it is quiet.  We do of course go through a few small towns on the way home, we could see some trick o treaters and how happy they probably were.  What a beautiful night for them to be out.  As I continued to drive home, the three of them slept.  I watched the farmers on their combines working in the fields, the dust, the semi trucks, the smell, all the deer coming out of the fields.  It’s actually very beautiful to see, it’s peaceful when the sun is coming down and you see them working in the fields.  It is like a picture you see in a magazine of the midwest only I am really seeing it, seeing the beauty.  That morning when I drove, right when the sun was coming up, the three of them were sleeping again and I watched the farmers getting their day started in the fields.  I wondered what their life is like, must be a long day for them too.

So I count my blessings, we still all have each other, Crystal is very loved, she is not fighting alone and it can always be worse.  I know where my children are and I am lucky they are still with me.  Thank You God I found some blessings but I need sometime to cry and be mad.

I can’t sleep.

Written Monday, October 29th @11:30pm

I am laying in bed, tossing and turning, my mind will not rest.  I guess a perfect time to do a little update for you and get those prayers started for Crystal’s Mayo Appointment on Wednesday.

Crystal is looking great.  She feels good too.  But like she says, I have felt fine before and the cancer still had come back.  Yes, she has had some emotional days, I think we all have, however we’ve been extremely busy and that has helped keep her mind on other things.

Crystal has been dancing like crazy, with all of the changes in the dance studio it has been very busy and uplifting, positive also it has been going well.  Crystal was excited for the change, yet nervous how she would feel about it and after our first “Experience” she said, “Mom, that was fun.  I really didn’t know I would have that much enjoyment with it”.  I must say, seeing her smile and happy made me even more happy that we are still dancing.

Also since the last time I updated, Crystal and I went to Laughlin, NV.  It was wonderful, it was perfect, it was needed.  Just a few days at the pool, then some sight seeing.  Memories were made and yet it gave her sometime to relax after that last painful procedure.

I can tell you a little story.  We were doing some shopping at Bath & Body Works, one of our favorite stores.  As we are smelling some of the wall fragrances, picking our favorites, Crystal had picked one up and said, “Oh No Mom, don’t get this one.  It make me almost sick to my stomach”. I said, “Does it smell bad? What’s wrong with it?” Crystal says, “When I had my apartment with Teal (her roommate), we picked this smell for the our place.  It was when I got sick.  I can’t smell that mom.” Crystal walked to the other side of the store.  That was it, she was quiet.  We bought our stuff and left.

Crystal had a very hard time with clothes that she wore when she was first sick, the thought of wearing them again made her sad.  We got rid of a lot of clothes from that Christmas.  The smell of Windex because we were doing a deep cleaning in the studio before the new year and she had no energy. And then the smell of this wall fragrance…So that got me thinking.  When we were on our family vacation in FL in 2013, we had no idea how sick Crystal was, on that trip I ate a lot of this Salted Carmel Ice Cream, it was amazing, I had never heard of it before.  Coming home from that family trip is when we learned of Crystal’s diagnosis.  Makes me sad typing that memory.  Anyway, a month later some of my students got me a gift, some chocolate that was Salted Carmel since they knew I loved it on that vacation.  You know, I took one bite and I was sick.  I couldn’t eat it.  I can’t handle the smell of it or the thought of it…

They say out of the fives senses (touch, smell, sight, sound and taste), smell is more related to our memory system.

Anyway, thank you in advance for those positive vibes and prayers.  Happy Halloween to you all.  This last weekend we celebrated Halloween as a family since we knew this Halloween would be a little different for our family.